To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing, 13: Too Much To Bear
Title: To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, sexual situations)
Summary: After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
*~*~*
All I have, all I need/He's the air I would kill to breathe/Holds my love, in his hands/Still I'm searching for something/Out of breath/I am left hoping someday/I'll breathe again,I'll breathe again
*~*~*
BPOV
"Bella, he's here again," Samantha said coming up behind me.
"I told her he's interested. Why else would he come in every day she's here and stare at her?"
"At least it isn't a creepy stare."
"He just likes to peek into the kitchen to see how she stirs things, how she kneads the pie dough…"
I rolled my eyes as everyone laughed and continued discussing what had piqued his interest. I knew his first name was Brandon and that he came in on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - days I was pretty much guaranteed to work. He always asked for a cinnamon roll and the breakfast blend coffee when he came in the morning before work… or maybe school. I wasn't sure, though he did seem as if he were older than me. I could see the shy glances out of the corner of my eye, but I always shied away from really talking to him.
They practically shoved me out of the kitchen to wait on him. With an inward sigh, I went over to take his order even if I knew already what it was going to be. While he ordered and I got it together, I really looked at him. He was a nice-looking guy. He had short light brown hair that curled a little at his neck. He had blue eyes, freckles, and a nice smile.
I handed him his coffee and the bagged cinnamon roll. "Thanks Isabella," he said with a slight smile.
Surprised, I stared at him. "How did you know my name?" I asked before I could stop myself.
His smile widened a little as he pointed to my chest. Confused, I glanced down and then felt the usual heat in my cheeks as I realized he read my name tag. After he left, I went back into the kitchen where they were all sniggering at me.
"Shut up," I muttered even as I felt a giggle coming on myself.
The morning and afternoon passed quickly and when I got home I took the casserole out of the fridge that I had prepared before work. Once in the oven, I started making Jake's birthday cake. It was a layered chocolate cake with butter cream frosting. I decorated it with the new baking tools I had bought recently. I smiled at the finished product - a slightly raised image of a wolf's head and a moon. I wrote Happy Birthday, Jake on it and stored it in the back of the refrigerator in a box so Jake wouldn't see it.
The evening passed uneventfully even though I had been feeling a prickle of unease the past few days. I curled into Jake that night trying to shake the feeling; the heat of his body against mine lulled me to sleep before I could ponder why I was feeling like this.
The next day was my shorter day at work so when I got home that afternoon I wrapped Jake's present. I had bought him a kit with a few different wood-carving tools in it. He was home earlier, too, and spent most of the time hanging over my shoulder as I made a couple pans of lasagna. It was one of the first things I had cooked back in Forks that he had eaten - and it had quickly become his favorite.
"Careful Jake or you're going to start drooling on my shoulder," I said dryly.
He sniggered. "I can't help it. It smells so damn good."
I put him charge of ripping lettuce for a salad so he was out of my way. Jake ate with gusto when it was done, and I smirked at his enthusiasm. I poked him in the calf with my toe. "The food isn't suddenly going to run off," I told him as he paused mid-inhale.
He smiled. "It's hard to slow down; it's that good."
I smiled as well pleased he enjoyed it so much. If I thought he enjoyed dinner, his eyes nearly bugged out when he saw his birthday cake. He bounced like a little kid and I started laughing at him. He cut into it and took a huge chunk. I took a more modest-size and we sprawled on the couch. He opened his gift and gave me a bone-crushing hug in thanks. I could tell he was excited to begin wood-working again. We put the movie in that I let him pick out from the video rental nearby. The last thing I remembered was the feeling of being carried up the stairs as my eyes fluttered open and shut again.
"Is the movie over?" I mumbled.
He chuckled. "Yeah, you almost made it. It's been a long day, so it's off to bed we go."
"Night Jake," I murmured as he lowered me onto the bed and pulled the covers up.
The next few days I had the strange impending sense of unease again. I realized why when my cell phone rang in the middle of my day off. It was Alice. My hand shook as I lifted the phone to my ear. Staring out the window at the mildly bright day, I whispered, "Alice?"
"Bella," she said in her clear voice. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, her tone was too calm.
We were both quiet, and I closed my eyes. I didn't know what to say.
"W-where are you?" I managed to utter.
She sighed quietly. "We're on a plane to Italy."
"Do you have a lead?" I asked.
"Not necessarily a lead…" she said trailing off. "My last vision was of him lying down. It was hard to tell..." she paused again and my heart banged against my chest.
"Is… is he…"
The grief in her voice had me closing my eyes. "I don't think so, Bella. We would know. The vision I had before this one showed him walking in the shadows. It was reminiscent of Volterra, so we're heading back there to see if we can find anything out."
I leaned against the wall for support. "That's only part of what you want to tell me, isn't it?" I asked. I stared sightlessly out the window.
It was quiet again for a couple minutes. I wanted her to just say it and get it over with, like ripping a band-aid off instead of peeling it slowly. She finally sighed softly and began to speak.
"Bella, we talked about it, and we decided we can't keep calling you…"
Immediately I panicked. "What? You have to call me and let me know what happens," I gasped.
"Bella, just hear me out. I - we - can't keep doing this to you. I've seen you after one of my phone calls; I can see how much it hurts you to keep being reminded of what happened."
A tear trickled down my cheek. "But Alice… you can't just…" my voice broke.
"Bella, we love you," she said her voice shaking. "But I'm being selfish by hurting you continuously with no real news and it isn't fair. I'm not saying we'll never talk again, but you need to live your life and move on."
"Move on?" I asked shakily. I paced the living room, my hand aching as I gripped the phone. "I was engaged to him, how is it fair to give up on him?"
"It's not giving up on him," she replied. "We will tell you the outcome, but I don't know how long this will last, Bella. I truly believe Edward wouldn't want this kind of a life for you. I know you're doing better and maybe I'm making it worse right now, but I need you to know this. We want you to do what you want and if it that includes dating that's okay."
A few more tears spilled over and down my cheeks. I had been doing better; I was stronger than I had been, but to hear her say this hurt.
We both ignored the elephant in the room until she finally said it. "I know Jacob loves you and you him, Bella…"
The guilt gnawed away at me, and I felt almost physically sick. I thought of Jacob often in a lot of ways, I knew I loved him, but could I do this and possibly hurt him again if it didn't work? He deserved so much, but how could I offer myself when nothing was certain. I was scared of so many things and I felt myself floundering.
"Alice…"
"Bella, we just want you to be happy," she said thickly. I closed my eyes, my mind flashing images of Alice's spiky hair and laughter, of Edward's bronze hair and half-smile, and of Jacob's healing touch and warm eyes.
"Bella, you are my sister no matter what," she said. "But I need you to live for us, okay? I promise this won't be the last time you hear from me, it just won't be for awhile so you can truly begin to heal. You know I'll get a hold of you when the time is right."
I cried openly then, gasping, but I knew she was right. She had to be. I loved Edward, but I had to release the past and live my life. When he came back we would deal with it then. Alice was crying in her own way, I could hear her gasping, even if there would be no tears.
"I love you, Bella," she said. "The whole family does. They give their love to you."
"I love you, too. I love all of you," I murmured. After she hung up, I continued holding the phone to my ear as another fissure was formed on my heart. It could heal, but right now I just sank to the floor, bent over my knees, and cried.
*~*~*
JPOV
I ran through a few more checks on the car we had just put back together to make sure everything was done and in proper order.
"Nice work, Jake!" Todd said giving me a slap on the back. I smiled down at the top of his head and saw slightly thinning hair before he looked up at me.
"You're really got a knack for this, and you're a good worker. Keep it up," he said cheerfully.
"Thanks Todd," I replied.
I went back into the locker room - of sorts - to change. As I did so, I heard the guys chatting about the woman Todd had just hired pretty recently to do the office work. I had met her briefly, saw her a few times, but otherwise didn't really know much about her. Apparently she was popular with the guys' - she could hold her own in a conversation and was very pretty.
With a casual wave to them, I headed into the office to pick up my paycheck. Lindsay was there at her desk, tapping at the computer. She glanced up and gave me a big smile. "Hi Jake," she said reaching into the drawer and extracting an envelope.
"So I haven't really had a chance to talk to you yet," she said with friendly ease.
Surprised at her forward approach, but pleased, I gave her a grin. "I'm not much for office gossip," I teased her.
She chuckled. "Neither am I, but I do like to get to know who I work with. And I get the impression I'm closer in age to you than the other guys which is nice."
As she talked I really took her in for the first time. She had shoulder-length light brown hair with blonde streaks in it. Her eyes were a bright blue and she had a big smile that lit up her face. When she stood I could see she was the willow-y type, but it was obvious she was athletic in the way she moved as she came around the desk.
I realized she had asked me a question and it took me a minute to process. "Oh, I'm, um, twenty-two," I said stumbling a little. I had to be careful about slipping up.
"Oh good, we are pretty close. I'm nineteen."
She mentioned she heard that I lived with someone and casually asked me if I was dating her. The relationship between me and Bella was confusing at best. I could never begin to explain my feelings for her, so I kept it simple.
"Yes, I live with a friend from home - Bella. She's my best friend," I said.
She cocked her head to the side, her blond ponytail falling over her shoulder. "Best friend, huh?" I could tell she was fishing for some more information, but I wasn't inclined to give anymore.
I just nodded and we chatted for a few more minutes as I tried not to slip-up again before heading for home. "See you tomorrow, Jake," she said with a grin. "I'll try to have some gossip for you."
I snickered and shook my head.
When I got home, I opened the door. No food smells wafted from the kitchen as I peeked into the living room. She wasn't downstairs, so I went up the steps. Bella was standing in our room, at the window, just gazing out. Just seeing her made me forget Lindsay.
"Bells?" I said a bit worried.
She gave a small sigh and turned. My heart sank as I saw the tear tracks on her cheeks. She wasn't crying, but she had been. Her soft brown eyes were still kind of red and her skin looked a little blotchy. Her face just looked… bleak.
"What happened?" I murmured going over to her. "Did you get another call from Alice?" Her call usually made Bella weepy, but she seemed different this time and that worried me. Was there more to the call this time? She let me wrap my arms around her and she rested her head briefly on my chest.
"Yes. She isn't going to call me anymore. She told me they loved me, but I need to move on because they aren't sure…" Her voice cracked and she stopped.
I took a deep breath. It was about time Alice released her from her hold - and even though it had taken awhile I was glad she had the foresight to see this was hurting Bella by keeping in contact. It was probably for the best that she did this, but I could tell Bella wasn't feeling quite the same.
She walked out of the room and went back downstairs. I followed her to see her methodically pulling a pizza out of the freezer and turning the oven on. I took her hand and led her into the living room. She perched on the sofa, not meeting my eyes.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"What are you sorry for?" I asked confused.
She shrugged a little. "I'm sorry for pretty much everything; for hurting you before, continuing to hurt you, for making you deal with this, for making you leave home and your dad, your friends…"
I put my finger against her lips. "Bella, you aren't the only one making these choices. I chose to come here, to help you, so don't give me that."
She laid her head back on the sofa and haltingly told me what happened. She explained how they hated to do this, but they didn't want to hurt her anymore. They weren't sure if - no when - they would find Edward. Alice had said that Edward wouldn't want her to hold back on a life she could have when things were so uncertain.
Apparently the Cullen's had gone back to Volterra - something that brought hard memories for me - on a vision of Alice's that made her decide they should go there and start fresh.
When she finished, I gazed at her. She looked so beaten and unsure of everything I wasn't even sure what to say. I found her hand and wound my fingers with hers. She had come such a long way and to see this again worried me. We just stayed on the sofa, silent, until the timer on the oven dinged letting us know the pizza was done. After we ate, she went upstairs.
I left her alone for awhile, but when I went up to bed I found her laying on her back just staring up at the ceiling. When I lay down next to her, I turned on my side facing her.
"Bells?"
"Hmm?" she murmured. She glanced over at me, eyes still a little red and swollen.
My mind circled back to the part where she said Alice told her she should move on. I couldn't help wondering at that, but I knew she wasn't ready for anything serious even if we had sort of been nudging in that direction.
I didn't say anything, I just took her cold hand in mine and we lay there in silence until sleep overtook us.
*~*~*
The next week passed slowly with Bella being rather quiet. I wasn't sure what was going on until that Friday she came in looking uncomfortable. She was twitchy and wouldn't meet my eyes. I started to feel kind of nervous just watching her.
"Bella, what's going on?" I finally asked.
She froze, her cheeks turning pink. "Um…"
I waited until she finally glanced down at the table. "I… um, I have a…date," she mumbled.
What I had been expecting her to say I had no idea, but it wasn't that. I felt a flash of hot and cold, feeling sadness and anger creeping up on me. Taking deep breaths, I tried to calm down.
"What?" I asked wondering if I misheard her.
"It kind of just… happened," she whispered. "This guy that comes into the bakery every couple days he just asked me and I didn't know what to do and I said yes."
I turned away from her, closing my eyes. I loved her and she knew that. She also loved me, so I was confused. No words came to mind, though; I wasn't sure how to react.
"Jake, I…" she faltered. "I think I have to try this with someone else. I know that sounds stupid and horrible. I didn't plan this, but you mean too much to me and I'm so broken I'm scared I'll end up hurting you more, and I just can't do that. I want you to be with someone who isn't a mess, someone great because that's what you deserve. Maybe if this goes okay, though, and when I get better we can try. I just want to make sure…"
I turned around to face her and she winced. I wasn't sure what the expression on my face was, but apparently it wasn't great. "Bella, do you know how much I love you?" It was all I could think to say.
Tears trickled down her cheeks. "I do, Jake."
"Then why? I mean, we've been getting closer. I didn't intend to try anything because of what happened, but you know how easy it is between us. Why on earth would you think this is the right choice? I know you love me," I said my voice gradually getting louder and coming out in an angry growl.
She sniffled, her lips twisting. "I do love you. I just can't in good conscience try this with you first. If something goes wrong, it could ruin what we have. I'm not saying we can't try, but I want to make sure I can do this…"
I just shook my head at the idea.
I moved toward her, intent on showing her. Her eyes widened and once I had twisted my fingers in her hair, I glanced down into the brown eyes I loved so much and everything deflated. I was a little too rough and her eyes showed confusion, attraction, grief, and love. It was too much.
I backed away from her.
"Jake, please understand," she whispered. "I'm tired of hurting everyone I love, and I know I'm doing it now, but like I said this is just casual. I don't know if I have it in me right now to be in a serious… relationship…" she faltered again and I could see her hands shaking.
"With you it has to be serious," she concluded. "So I need to wait and see how this goes…"
It was some form of messed-up logic. In some ways I understood where she was coming from, but I also knew that love was worth the risk. Hurt and anger warred with pity and understanding. Anger won out a little bit as I realized I could try dating, too. It might help her come to understand just how it felt and realize what she truly wanted.
"Fine Bella," I said my voice sounding cool to my own ears. "If that's what you want."
"Jake…" she pleaded reaching out for me.
I flinched when she touched my arm and more tears dripped down her cheeks. "Did I ruin everything?" she mumbled. Her mouth was shaking and fear was in her eyes and yet I still wanted to comfort her.
"Not everything," I sighed. I was angry, but I wasn't going to say something hurtful. It had been too easy to do that before, but things were different; I was different. I just couldn't do that anymore. "Just… I don't want to talk about it. I'm not interested in hashing this out right now."
She nodded and I went upstairs. I needed to go outside for a little bit or talk to somebody else or something. I yanked my shoes on and went back down.
"Where are you going?" Her voice rose in worry and panic.
"I'm just clearing my head," I said. I needed to relax. "I'll be back," I said quietly. I had to reassure her because I loved her too damn much.
She sat on the sofa, her face in her hands. I heard her soft crying as I walked outside into the fresh air.
*~*~*
AN: Before you possibly yell at me, bear with me okay? I'm doing my best in sticking with canon, so I don't think Bella would run into Jake's arms upon receiving this news. She's definitely aware - to some point - of her love for Jake. As she says, she was hit pretty hard by the cutting off (temporarily) of the Cullens' so she's not making the smartest choices (so like Bella). She's scared of her feelings for Jake, she IS pretty messed up, and she doesn't know what the future holds and thinks this is better for him in the long run until she comes to terms.
Don't worry too much… I'm definitely J/B and this might be just what Bella needs. Dating others will cause, uh, emotions to run high and thus get more satisfying results. Haha. I promise not to torture you for too long! It's pretty typical, I think, to take a couple steps forward yet take a step back in love… we aren't always too smart when it comes to that. =)
Chapter 14
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, sexual situations)
Summary: After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
*~*~*
All I have, all I need/He's the air I would kill to breathe/Holds my love, in his hands/Still I'm searching for something/Out of breath/I am left hoping someday/I'll breathe again,I'll breathe again
*~*~*
BPOV
"Bella, he's here again," Samantha said coming up behind me.
"I told her he's interested. Why else would he come in every day she's here and stare at her?"
"At least it isn't a creepy stare."
"He just likes to peek into the kitchen to see how she stirs things, how she kneads the pie dough…"
I rolled my eyes as everyone laughed and continued discussing what had piqued his interest. I knew his first name was Brandon and that he came in on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - days I was pretty much guaranteed to work. He always asked for a cinnamon roll and the breakfast blend coffee when he came in the morning before work… or maybe school. I wasn't sure, though he did seem as if he were older than me. I could see the shy glances out of the corner of my eye, but I always shied away from really talking to him.
They practically shoved me out of the kitchen to wait on him. With an inward sigh, I went over to take his order even if I knew already what it was going to be. While he ordered and I got it together, I really looked at him. He was a nice-looking guy. He had short light brown hair that curled a little at his neck. He had blue eyes, freckles, and a nice smile.
I handed him his coffee and the bagged cinnamon roll. "Thanks Isabella," he said with a slight smile.
Surprised, I stared at him. "How did you know my name?" I asked before I could stop myself.
His smile widened a little as he pointed to my chest. Confused, I glanced down and then felt the usual heat in my cheeks as I realized he read my name tag. After he left, I went back into the kitchen where they were all sniggering at me.
"Shut up," I muttered even as I felt a giggle coming on myself.
The morning and afternoon passed quickly and when I got home I took the casserole out of the fridge that I had prepared before work. Once in the oven, I started making Jake's birthday cake. It was a layered chocolate cake with butter cream frosting. I decorated it with the new baking tools I had bought recently. I smiled at the finished product - a slightly raised image of a wolf's head and a moon. I wrote Happy Birthday, Jake on it and stored it in the back of the refrigerator in a box so Jake wouldn't see it.
The evening passed uneventfully even though I had been feeling a prickle of unease the past few days. I curled into Jake that night trying to shake the feeling; the heat of his body against mine lulled me to sleep before I could ponder why I was feeling like this.
The next day was my shorter day at work so when I got home that afternoon I wrapped Jake's present. I had bought him a kit with a few different wood-carving tools in it. He was home earlier, too, and spent most of the time hanging over my shoulder as I made a couple pans of lasagna. It was one of the first things I had cooked back in Forks that he had eaten - and it had quickly become his favorite.
"Careful Jake or you're going to start drooling on my shoulder," I said dryly.
He sniggered. "I can't help it. It smells so damn good."
I put him charge of ripping lettuce for a salad so he was out of my way. Jake ate with gusto when it was done, and I smirked at his enthusiasm. I poked him in the calf with my toe. "The food isn't suddenly going to run off," I told him as he paused mid-inhale.
He smiled. "It's hard to slow down; it's that good."
I smiled as well pleased he enjoyed it so much. If I thought he enjoyed dinner, his eyes nearly bugged out when he saw his birthday cake. He bounced like a little kid and I started laughing at him. He cut into it and took a huge chunk. I took a more modest-size and we sprawled on the couch. He opened his gift and gave me a bone-crushing hug in thanks. I could tell he was excited to begin wood-working again. We put the movie in that I let him pick out from the video rental nearby. The last thing I remembered was the feeling of being carried up the stairs as my eyes fluttered open and shut again.
"Is the movie over?" I mumbled.
He chuckled. "Yeah, you almost made it. It's been a long day, so it's off to bed we go."
"Night Jake," I murmured as he lowered me onto the bed and pulled the covers up.
The next few days I had the strange impending sense of unease again. I realized why when my cell phone rang in the middle of my day off. It was Alice. My hand shook as I lifted the phone to my ear. Staring out the window at the mildly bright day, I whispered, "Alice?"
"Bella," she said in her clear voice. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, her tone was too calm.
We were both quiet, and I closed my eyes. I didn't know what to say.
"W-where are you?" I managed to utter.
She sighed quietly. "We're on a plane to Italy."
"Do you have a lead?" I asked.
"Not necessarily a lead…" she said trailing off. "My last vision was of him lying down. It was hard to tell..." she paused again and my heart banged against my chest.
"Is… is he…"
The grief in her voice had me closing my eyes. "I don't think so, Bella. We would know. The vision I had before this one showed him walking in the shadows. It was reminiscent of Volterra, so we're heading back there to see if we can find anything out."
I leaned against the wall for support. "That's only part of what you want to tell me, isn't it?" I asked. I stared sightlessly out the window.
It was quiet again for a couple minutes. I wanted her to just say it and get it over with, like ripping a band-aid off instead of peeling it slowly. She finally sighed softly and began to speak.
"Bella, we talked about it, and we decided we can't keep calling you…"
Immediately I panicked. "What? You have to call me and let me know what happens," I gasped.
"Bella, just hear me out. I - we - can't keep doing this to you. I've seen you after one of my phone calls; I can see how much it hurts you to keep being reminded of what happened."
A tear trickled down my cheek. "But Alice… you can't just…" my voice broke.
"Bella, we love you," she said her voice shaking. "But I'm being selfish by hurting you continuously with no real news and it isn't fair. I'm not saying we'll never talk again, but you need to live your life and move on."
"Move on?" I asked shakily. I paced the living room, my hand aching as I gripped the phone. "I was engaged to him, how is it fair to give up on him?"
"It's not giving up on him," she replied. "We will tell you the outcome, but I don't know how long this will last, Bella. I truly believe Edward wouldn't want this kind of a life for you. I know you're doing better and maybe I'm making it worse right now, but I need you to know this. We want you to do what you want and if it that includes dating that's okay."
A few more tears spilled over and down my cheeks. I had been doing better; I was stronger than I had been, but to hear her say this hurt.
We both ignored the elephant in the room until she finally said it. "I know Jacob loves you and you him, Bella…"
The guilt gnawed away at me, and I felt almost physically sick. I thought of Jacob often in a lot of ways, I knew I loved him, but could I do this and possibly hurt him again if it didn't work? He deserved so much, but how could I offer myself when nothing was certain. I was scared of so many things and I felt myself floundering.
"Alice…"
"Bella, we just want you to be happy," she said thickly. I closed my eyes, my mind flashing images of Alice's spiky hair and laughter, of Edward's bronze hair and half-smile, and of Jacob's healing touch and warm eyes.
"Bella, you are my sister no matter what," she said. "But I need you to live for us, okay? I promise this won't be the last time you hear from me, it just won't be for awhile so you can truly begin to heal. You know I'll get a hold of you when the time is right."
I cried openly then, gasping, but I knew she was right. She had to be. I loved Edward, but I had to release the past and live my life. When he came back we would deal with it then. Alice was crying in her own way, I could hear her gasping, even if there would be no tears.
"I love you, Bella," she said. "The whole family does. They give their love to you."
"I love you, too. I love all of you," I murmured. After she hung up, I continued holding the phone to my ear as another fissure was formed on my heart. It could heal, but right now I just sank to the floor, bent over my knees, and cried.
*~*~*
JPOV
I ran through a few more checks on the car we had just put back together to make sure everything was done and in proper order.
"Nice work, Jake!" Todd said giving me a slap on the back. I smiled down at the top of his head and saw slightly thinning hair before he looked up at me.
"You're really got a knack for this, and you're a good worker. Keep it up," he said cheerfully.
"Thanks Todd," I replied.
I went back into the locker room - of sorts - to change. As I did so, I heard the guys chatting about the woman Todd had just hired pretty recently to do the office work. I had met her briefly, saw her a few times, but otherwise didn't really know much about her. Apparently she was popular with the guys' - she could hold her own in a conversation and was very pretty.
With a casual wave to them, I headed into the office to pick up my paycheck. Lindsay was there at her desk, tapping at the computer. She glanced up and gave me a big smile. "Hi Jake," she said reaching into the drawer and extracting an envelope.
"So I haven't really had a chance to talk to you yet," she said with friendly ease.
Surprised at her forward approach, but pleased, I gave her a grin. "I'm not much for office gossip," I teased her.
She chuckled. "Neither am I, but I do like to get to know who I work with. And I get the impression I'm closer in age to you than the other guys which is nice."
As she talked I really took her in for the first time. She had shoulder-length light brown hair with blonde streaks in it. Her eyes were a bright blue and she had a big smile that lit up her face. When she stood I could see she was the willow-y type, but it was obvious she was athletic in the way she moved as she came around the desk.
I realized she had asked me a question and it took me a minute to process. "Oh, I'm, um, twenty-two," I said stumbling a little. I had to be careful about slipping up.
"Oh good, we are pretty close. I'm nineteen."
She mentioned she heard that I lived with someone and casually asked me if I was dating her. The relationship between me and Bella was confusing at best. I could never begin to explain my feelings for her, so I kept it simple.
"Yes, I live with a friend from home - Bella. She's my best friend," I said.
She cocked her head to the side, her blond ponytail falling over her shoulder. "Best friend, huh?" I could tell she was fishing for some more information, but I wasn't inclined to give anymore.
I just nodded and we chatted for a few more minutes as I tried not to slip-up again before heading for home. "See you tomorrow, Jake," she said with a grin. "I'll try to have some gossip for you."
I snickered and shook my head.
When I got home, I opened the door. No food smells wafted from the kitchen as I peeked into the living room. She wasn't downstairs, so I went up the steps. Bella was standing in our room, at the window, just gazing out. Just seeing her made me forget Lindsay.
"Bells?" I said a bit worried.
She gave a small sigh and turned. My heart sank as I saw the tear tracks on her cheeks. She wasn't crying, but she had been. Her soft brown eyes were still kind of red and her skin looked a little blotchy. Her face just looked… bleak.
"What happened?" I murmured going over to her. "Did you get another call from Alice?" Her call usually made Bella weepy, but she seemed different this time and that worried me. Was there more to the call this time? She let me wrap my arms around her and she rested her head briefly on my chest.
"Yes. She isn't going to call me anymore. She told me they loved me, but I need to move on because they aren't sure…" Her voice cracked and she stopped.
I took a deep breath. It was about time Alice released her from her hold - and even though it had taken awhile I was glad she had the foresight to see this was hurting Bella by keeping in contact. It was probably for the best that she did this, but I could tell Bella wasn't feeling quite the same.
She walked out of the room and went back downstairs. I followed her to see her methodically pulling a pizza out of the freezer and turning the oven on. I took her hand and led her into the living room. She perched on the sofa, not meeting my eyes.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"What are you sorry for?" I asked confused.
She shrugged a little. "I'm sorry for pretty much everything; for hurting you before, continuing to hurt you, for making you deal with this, for making you leave home and your dad, your friends…"
I put my finger against her lips. "Bella, you aren't the only one making these choices. I chose to come here, to help you, so don't give me that."
She laid her head back on the sofa and haltingly told me what happened. She explained how they hated to do this, but they didn't want to hurt her anymore. They weren't sure if - no when - they would find Edward. Alice had said that Edward wouldn't want her to hold back on a life she could have when things were so uncertain.
Apparently the Cullen's had gone back to Volterra - something that brought hard memories for me - on a vision of Alice's that made her decide they should go there and start fresh.
When she finished, I gazed at her. She looked so beaten and unsure of everything I wasn't even sure what to say. I found her hand and wound my fingers with hers. She had come such a long way and to see this again worried me. We just stayed on the sofa, silent, until the timer on the oven dinged letting us know the pizza was done. After we ate, she went upstairs.
I left her alone for awhile, but when I went up to bed I found her laying on her back just staring up at the ceiling. When I lay down next to her, I turned on my side facing her.
"Bells?"
"Hmm?" she murmured. She glanced over at me, eyes still a little red and swollen.
My mind circled back to the part where she said Alice told her she should move on. I couldn't help wondering at that, but I knew she wasn't ready for anything serious even if we had sort of been nudging in that direction.
I didn't say anything, I just took her cold hand in mine and we lay there in silence until sleep overtook us.
*~*~*
The next week passed slowly with Bella being rather quiet. I wasn't sure what was going on until that Friday she came in looking uncomfortable. She was twitchy and wouldn't meet my eyes. I started to feel kind of nervous just watching her.
"Bella, what's going on?" I finally asked.
She froze, her cheeks turning pink. "Um…"
I waited until she finally glanced down at the table. "I… um, I have a…date," she mumbled.
What I had been expecting her to say I had no idea, but it wasn't that. I felt a flash of hot and cold, feeling sadness and anger creeping up on me. Taking deep breaths, I tried to calm down.
"What?" I asked wondering if I misheard her.
"It kind of just… happened," she whispered. "This guy that comes into the bakery every couple days he just asked me and I didn't know what to do and I said yes."
I turned away from her, closing my eyes. I loved her and she knew that. She also loved me, so I was confused. No words came to mind, though; I wasn't sure how to react.
"Jake, I…" she faltered. "I think I have to try this with someone else. I know that sounds stupid and horrible. I didn't plan this, but you mean too much to me and I'm so broken I'm scared I'll end up hurting you more, and I just can't do that. I want you to be with someone who isn't a mess, someone great because that's what you deserve. Maybe if this goes okay, though, and when I get better we can try. I just want to make sure…"
I turned around to face her and she winced. I wasn't sure what the expression on my face was, but apparently it wasn't great. "Bella, do you know how much I love you?" It was all I could think to say.
Tears trickled down her cheeks. "I do, Jake."
"Then why? I mean, we've been getting closer. I didn't intend to try anything because of what happened, but you know how easy it is between us. Why on earth would you think this is the right choice? I know you love me," I said my voice gradually getting louder and coming out in an angry growl.
She sniffled, her lips twisting. "I do love you. I just can't in good conscience try this with you first. If something goes wrong, it could ruin what we have. I'm not saying we can't try, but I want to make sure I can do this…"
I just shook my head at the idea.
I moved toward her, intent on showing her. Her eyes widened and once I had twisted my fingers in her hair, I glanced down into the brown eyes I loved so much and everything deflated. I was a little too rough and her eyes showed confusion, attraction, grief, and love. It was too much.
I backed away from her.
"Jake, please understand," she whispered. "I'm tired of hurting everyone I love, and I know I'm doing it now, but like I said this is just casual. I don't know if I have it in me right now to be in a serious… relationship…" she faltered again and I could see her hands shaking.
"With you it has to be serious," she concluded. "So I need to wait and see how this goes…"
It was some form of messed-up logic. In some ways I understood where she was coming from, but I also knew that love was worth the risk. Hurt and anger warred with pity and understanding. Anger won out a little bit as I realized I could try dating, too. It might help her come to understand just how it felt and realize what she truly wanted.
"Fine Bella," I said my voice sounding cool to my own ears. "If that's what you want."
"Jake…" she pleaded reaching out for me.
I flinched when she touched my arm and more tears dripped down her cheeks. "Did I ruin everything?" she mumbled. Her mouth was shaking and fear was in her eyes and yet I still wanted to comfort her.
"Not everything," I sighed. I was angry, but I wasn't going to say something hurtful. It had been too easy to do that before, but things were different; I was different. I just couldn't do that anymore. "Just… I don't want to talk about it. I'm not interested in hashing this out right now."
She nodded and I went upstairs. I needed to go outside for a little bit or talk to somebody else or something. I yanked my shoes on and went back down.
"Where are you going?" Her voice rose in worry and panic.
"I'm just clearing my head," I said. I needed to relax. "I'll be back," I said quietly. I had to reassure her because I loved her too damn much.
She sat on the sofa, her face in her hands. I heard her soft crying as I walked outside into the fresh air.
*~*~*
AN: Before you possibly yell at me, bear with me okay? I'm doing my best in sticking with canon, so I don't think Bella would run into Jake's arms upon receiving this news. She's definitely aware - to some point - of her love for Jake. As she says, she was hit pretty hard by the cutting off (temporarily) of the Cullens' so she's not making the smartest choices (so like Bella). She's scared of her feelings for Jake, she IS pretty messed up, and she doesn't know what the future holds and thinks this is better for him in the long run until she comes to terms.
Don't worry too much… I'm definitely J/B and this might be just what Bella needs. Dating others will cause, uh, emotions to run high and thus get more satisfying results. Haha. I promise not to torture you for too long! It's pretty typical, I think, to take a couple steps forward yet take a step back in love… we aren't always too smart when it comes to that. =)
Chapter 14