(no subject)
so here's the thing. props to jeremy and rob for life-changing conversations.
if you aren't always saying and doing what you want to... you won't be happy. and no matter how much you try to convince urself that if u tell people what they want to hear so that they like u... and people liking u makes u happy... u wont be happy. example: ryan never gave me any space. i always did what he wanted me to do because if i didn't, he wouldnt like me anymore. and if he didn't like me anymore.. well, then, i would feel unloved. everyone is dying to be loved. its very difficult for people to live without receiving love. and he provided that. but the only time when i was happy was when we were ... making some sort of physical contact. when i spoke to him i'd have to be holding his hand or touching his hair or.. whatever just because otherwise i wouldnt feel good because i could never ever ever say what i wanted to him. in fact, i changed my entire life for him. i constantly lived my life with the thought in the back of my head.. would ryan approve of this? so i was like... i can't see other friends, i can't go out of my house, i can't eat fattening food, i have to keep my hair long...whatever else. of course, i was incredibly depressed except for when i spoke to ryan or was with ryan. therefore, when he commanded me to call him 4 times a day on a specific schedule, i always would. when he said.. cancel all of ur plans, i'll come over, and we'll fuck.. i would in an instant.
so basically, my point is that no matter what you want- truly want, do it. if you want to say something to somebody, never hesitate. if they don't like it, they're the asshole, not you. if you have to change yourself for someone in order to feel good, it won't last. eventually you'll want to kill yourself. or, in my case, i got into the habit of living my life for ryan and when he would "abandon" me, i really would want to kill myself because... i was so confused with what i really wanted that my life really did seem worthless. i was completely living for a few hours here or there when ryan would drone on about how "hot" i am and how much he "loved me" or whatever. so why should i continue speaking to him when he yells at me for not picking up the phone? i don't want to pick up the phone for fucks sake. and like... most of my friends at the moment make me really happy because i don't have to pretend to be some slutty hick for them to like me (or anything else for that matter). and i suppose if they don't then... fuck them.
this is probably the most obvious observation in the entire world and i should be shot for bothering to put it in my livejournal.
jeremy payed me a visit tonight. jeremy is very much on the awesome side. like i really love talking to him because its such constant conversation without me hesitating to think "is that okay to say? will that offend him?" which is a rare thing. i just... hm. i had a really good night. really good. i'm... happy. the last 3 nights have been wonderful as have the people been that occupied those nights. in fact, fucking wonderful.
if you aren't always saying and doing what you want to... you won't be happy. and no matter how much you try to convince urself that if u tell people what they want to hear so that they like u... and people liking u makes u happy... u wont be happy. example: ryan never gave me any space. i always did what he wanted me to do because if i didn't, he wouldnt like me anymore. and if he didn't like me anymore.. well, then, i would feel unloved. everyone is dying to be loved. its very difficult for people to live without receiving love. and he provided that. but the only time when i was happy was when we were ... making some sort of physical contact. when i spoke to him i'd have to be holding his hand or touching his hair or.. whatever just because otherwise i wouldnt feel good because i could never ever ever say what i wanted to him. in fact, i changed my entire life for him. i constantly lived my life with the thought in the back of my head.. would ryan approve of this? so i was like... i can't see other friends, i can't go out of my house, i can't eat fattening food, i have to keep my hair long...whatever else. of course, i was incredibly depressed except for when i spoke to ryan or was with ryan. therefore, when he commanded me to call him 4 times a day on a specific schedule, i always would. when he said.. cancel all of ur plans, i'll come over, and we'll fuck.. i would in an instant.
so basically, my point is that no matter what you want- truly want, do it. if you want to say something to somebody, never hesitate. if they don't like it, they're the asshole, not you. if you have to change yourself for someone in order to feel good, it won't last. eventually you'll want to kill yourself. or, in my case, i got into the habit of living my life for ryan and when he would "abandon" me, i really would want to kill myself because... i was so confused with what i really wanted that my life really did seem worthless. i was completely living for a few hours here or there when ryan would drone on about how "hot" i am and how much he "loved me" or whatever. so why should i continue speaking to him when he yells at me for not picking up the phone? i don't want to pick up the phone for fucks sake. and like... most of my friends at the moment make me really happy because i don't have to pretend to be some slutty hick for them to like me (or anything else for that matter). and i suppose if they don't then... fuck them.
this is probably the most obvious observation in the entire world and i should be shot for bothering to put it in my livejournal.
jeremy payed me a visit tonight. jeremy is very much on the awesome side. like i really love talking to him because its such constant conversation without me hesitating to think "is that okay to say? will that offend him?" which is a rare thing. i just... hm. i had a really good night. really good. i'm... happy. the last 3 nights have been wonderful as have the people been that occupied those nights. in fact, fucking wonderful.