I'm becoming Emo
I think more and more that I am becoming 'emo'. All I can do is sit here and ask myself "Why?" Everything that I looked at as some blessing that I am gifted with is no more than a curse that I can't get rid of. I am a thinker and a dreamer. I can learn so much because of it and my imagination is broad, which also allows me to be more liberal and accepting of people. Oh but hell no, because of it, everything that happens my mind goes wild wondering why and where and who and anything else. My imagination is unstoppable to what 'could be' or 'could have been.' I can't stop thinking either. Once it starts, it's a chain of neverending thoughts that taunt me. And then I always valued myself as an emotional person, which let me be nice to people and care for people unconditionally. But again, hell no. My heart is so open that everything that comes at it hurts and I get my feelings hurt really easily, and on top of that, I get more hurt when no on else notices because it feels like they just don't care. Also, I am picky and a perfectionist. If something needs to be done, I put a lot of attention into it to make sure that it is done correctly and I tend to seem obsessive because I do give my whole hearted attention to something. Again, hell no. Because of this, subconciously it feels like other people should also give the same attention. My mind doesn't understand why if other people are in the same situation, why don't they put as much time and attention into it... and sometimes, into me. Such as, when in a conversation with someone, I give my undivided attention to them, and then I crave their undivided attention and when I don't get it, we turn back to the emotional thing. The list gets bigger and bigger as I realize things all the time that I thought were good that turn out to hurt me so much, and I swear to God, the first person who tells me to grow up and/or get over myself and/or everyone has problems/deal with it, I will smack in the face with a bat because you are a cold hearted son-of-a-bitch that cannot grasp emotions if it were the decision between life and death for you and because of this you should just die anyway. I don't like when I get sad and pour my heart out so I can feel a little better and then someone wants to come on over and be a heartless bastard. Don't people learn in Kindergarden: "If you don't have something nice to say, shut the fuck up." I am PMSing or something, maybe it's the transition to 'emo' because my moods are flaring. I think it's just me venting hurt. Whichever, ein Umarmen ist besser wie Herzschlagen.