Austin and Nathan are poop
Well, I was in a better mood to write this earlier, but this is the time that I have, so I'll just run with it now.
So, it's a new year. Last year was the Year From Hell. It was pretty damned bad, all around. I have hope that this coming new year will be different, but I know that changing a single symbol on an arbitrary system of reference hardly has any real effect on the world.
Let's recap all the bad stuff that happened this year in a trivializing phrase:
-failing to get any sort of real job
-being without a job for a while
-my mom running off and getting married without talking to me
-not having a consistent job (having lots of problems with the two jobs I had to get)
-having a lot of problems in karate and considering quitting
-meaningless research
-not getting a letter of recommendation
-some issues stopping me from finishing applications to school
-not being able to go anywhere or really spend time with family for the holidays
-relationship issues
-not feeling a real connection to any friends/coworkers/family/roommate/etc.
-great grandmother died
-problems with car
-not able to really support myself
On the positive side:
-graduated with distinction
-made some new friends (?) with people from work, etc.
-got to see 300 early with Stuart
-got to see the Smashing Pumpkins in Athens
-improved in karate in the past month or so
I've been pretty depressed (in terms of my mood) and felt pretty unfulfilled for a lot of the year. Not that I've been in a state of depression - that's different. I thought today about what's gone on this year and how I've reacted to it. It's not my fault, but it's not the world's fault either. Something about that unique interaction has created a world that has been pretty difficult for me this past year.
I've found out recently that I think I am saving enough money each month to be able to get a new, used car. My car is EXTREMELY terrible now. The thing has always been pretty bad (I mean, it's 11+ years old), but now it's just damned bad. I might be able to afford a new car, but it would take longer to pay off. I'd feel better about a used car. Especially since I am not fully supporting myself on my own yet. I feel really shitty about that. It makes me feel pathetic to know that I am relying on my parent's money to get me by month to month. That really sucks. But at least I have some sort of control over my life and I'm doing something to try to better myself.
I've also been thinking about something that I might do if I don't get into grad school. Some of my letters of recommendation STILL haven't been sent, so I'm not sure if my applications will be considered complete on time. So I need a backup plan. I cannot keep doing what I am doing. It is far too dull an existence. I can only be happy going out and doing things - specifically learning things. One thought I had was going back to the nursing idea that I had before. I could try to get into the Georgia Medical College. It's right by my house, too. I think that might be a cool idea. Or I could try to be a high school teacher for a while, maybe. Other than that, I'm not really sure what I can do. I'd like to stick around Athens, really. I want to keep doing karate for a while, at least until I can get into the black belt ranks (which is a ways away for me). Let me know if you have any ideas.
I am not looking forward to this year.
I've said on many occasions that I'm in a transitional period and that I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. That's the truth. Life is very unsettled at the moment. I try to settle the little bits that I can here and there, but largely everything is up in the air and full of fluctuation.
That's just how I feel about everything. I'm ambivalent about everything that has been or is currently in my life. It's all lifeless - without meaning or purpose in my view. That's pretty damned bleak. I just mean that the transitional feeling about life just seems to make everything seem less important and forces me into the position where I wonder how it should all fit into my life and wonder where all these little pieces go. That's really how I feel about things. That's probably the best descriptor of what's going on with me that I've come up with in months, but I just found it now without really thinking about what's going on. Funny that.
I'm done writing this bullshit.