ds kinkmeme response: V/F/K, 623 words
There are few things that Fraser wants, as he learned how to shut that part of himself down at a young age. At no point has life encouraged him to express a desire for much of anything.
Chicago, however, has opened some things up to him. It’s taken a long time to fully grasp, but it has occurred to Fraser that, in the city, one has access to many things. If he thinks of something, he can usually receive it at any hour, whether it’s food, medicine, or any other variety of commonplace or eccentric things. This fact alone should be enough to send him back to the Territories, because the one thing that he really wants he cannot give voice to.
Fraser does not discount how fortunate he is to have the friendship of not just one, but both men. He’s not jealous of their current relationship. Envious, yes. It’s torturous to work with both of them so closely, to watch their interactions and to want so badly. The sight and scent of each man is enough to awaken long-buried desires, ones that he entertains only when alone in the late hours of the night, and sparingly even then, lest his desire overwhelm him.
Still, in spite of his enormous respect for them, he manages to underestimate both men. They both ask, looking unwaveringly at him over the table in a well-lit diner. Fraser breaks eye contact, looks outside at the bustling streets, and can’t find the words. He leaves, walking away from them, and his feet hurt more than they ever have before.
Later that night he sits at his desk and composes a brief letter. He can write down what he can’t say; his desires, the way he feels about both of them. He gets the transfer paperwork in order, just in case.
**
Two sets of eyes demand proof, action, and, absurdly, it is easier to take off his uniform and stand naked in front of them, easier to lay face down on the bed and shiver in anticipation, than it is to confirm in words.
It’s terrifying when Ray Vecchio tugs at him to roll over. Ray wants to look, do this face-to-face, and Fraser lets his eyes betray his fears. Ray just leans down and kisses him, gently, carefully, and softly lets his fingers draw Fraser’s eyes closed. It’s okay, the gesture says, you can trust me.
Fraser has always relied on senses other than sight, and he lets his fingers explore Ray, drawing his hands over the shorn hair of his scalp and the sharp planes of his nose. He listens with a smile as Ray laughs at this, and he uses his tongue to explore, drawing the gold cross into his mouth and running a tongue across Ray’s chest. He loves the scent of Ray, there’s a smell of herbs mingled with cologne. When Ray slides into him, he moans and grips his arms. This is what he wants, he decides, Ray buried deep within him, taking him.
Fraser doesn’t open his eyes until Ray Kowalski takes his place. His scent is different, earthier, but it makes his heart race just the same. This Ray is different; less fluid and more playful. He thrusts at a different rhythm, more urgent, and his kisses are not so careful as they are demanding, his tongue and teeth taking instead of asking. Fraser wishes idly that he could have both of them take him at once.
He does get the next best thing, which is when they wrap arms and legs around him and press into him, shielding him from the rest of the world, which is what they have always done, even if he’s never deserved it.