(no subject)
You know... I thought that drawing a mural on someones wall would make me feel better all in all... I mean... this thing looks awesome... it's probably my best work ever.... and its on a fucking wall... and it's blacklight responsive....i mean.... it's amazing...
but...
there's so much going on in my head and around me that i am really hating every moment i am awake... i don't like how random things are going... how nothing is constant... and right now i need a constant... i need everything to work out... one way or the other... i'm speaking of life in general... i can't go one step without thinking about how it's going to effect me and i hate thinking like that... i hate... using my brain so much that i feel burntout...
and it never stops... my mind never stops reminding me of the past... showing me shit from when i was really young... things that i will never forget.... and going over how i am now... the complete and total change and turn around...i've been trying to make myself better in certain ways... like making sure that instead of being instantly envious of others in all aspects, i should try to think more logically... more... simply...i guess... but that's not how my mind works... and it gets back at me... when i least expect it... i could be in the middle of a conversation and i find my ears suddenly listening for specific words from other peoples conversations... and when those words hit my ears they spread out pictures in my memory of things i never want to remember... and then my whole body feels just... awful... and the rest of the day i can't get those thoughts out of my head.. and when i try to let the be and put them away somewhere... they come back in a different form.... it makes me feel like everyones out to get me... or talking in metaphors... and when i read further into what people are saying i get every single meaning... i hear it all different ways and sometimes i even get confused as to what they where really saying...
and when i finally have the chance to talk and a minute with a clear mind.. someone else goes out of control... like they are all way off in every aspect of space and equillibrium......or whatever... i feel guilty for things i don't know i did... and when i do do something wrong... i don't see what's wrong about it....... everything is backasswards for me...
next thursday i have my surgery and i'm not loking forward to that at all either... i kinda wish last month was he real thing so that i could be healed by now.... that and the navy must be really pissed at me....
man everything is just....
chaos...
but...
there's so much going on in my head and around me that i am really hating every moment i am awake... i don't like how random things are going... how nothing is constant... and right now i need a constant... i need everything to work out... one way or the other... i'm speaking of life in general... i can't go one step without thinking about how it's going to effect me and i hate thinking like that... i hate... using my brain so much that i feel burntout...
and it never stops... my mind never stops reminding me of the past... showing me shit from when i was really young... things that i will never forget.... and going over how i am now... the complete and total change and turn around...i've been trying to make myself better in certain ways... like making sure that instead of being instantly envious of others in all aspects, i should try to think more logically... more... simply...i guess... but that's not how my mind works... and it gets back at me... when i least expect it... i could be in the middle of a conversation and i find my ears suddenly listening for specific words from other peoples conversations... and when those words hit my ears they spread out pictures in my memory of things i never want to remember... and then my whole body feels just... awful... and the rest of the day i can't get those thoughts out of my head.. and when i try to let the be and put them away somewhere... they come back in a different form.... it makes me feel like everyones out to get me... or talking in metaphors... and when i read further into what people are saying i get every single meaning... i hear it all different ways and sometimes i even get confused as to what they where really saying...
and when i finally have the chance to talk and a minute with a clear mind.. someone else goes out of control... like they are all way off in every aspect of space and equillibrium......or whatever... i feel guilty for things i don't know i did... and when i do do something wrong... i don't see what's wrong about it....... everything is backasswards for me...
next thursday i have my surgery and i'm not loking forward to that at all either... i kinda wish last month was he real thing so that i could be healed by now.... that and the navy must be really pissed at me....
man everything is just....
chaos...