Mixed Martial Arts is a kind term for homo-erotic grappling
So I'm watching a show called UFC Ultimate Fight Night Live on Spike TV. I'm not watching this for the fights, mind you. I'm watching it for the laughs. The first laugh is when you look at the title of the show ("LIVE!") and the logo in the corner ("Spike TV LIVE!"), then notice the message they display when coming back from a commercial ("previously recorded"). It's also funny to have a three minute montage of hype and posturing which culminates in a fight that lasts less than one minute. More than anything else though, it's funny to see two muscleheads smack each other in the head and listen to the empty rattling noise-- but that's a best case scenario for one of these fights. It's a more common occurance for a pair of beefy men to dance around a bit before hugging each other and grappling on the ground in extremely suggestive positions. Not only that, but they apply holds to each other such as the "rear naked choke" which makes the whole situation even more homo-erotic. The duality between the posturing and the hugging is so bizarre that sometimes you really wonder who the hell the target audience is, and what the hell these martial artists are supposed to have a black belt in.
I figured I'd get a chuckle out of this show like always, then tune to something with a little more class. Like CARTOON NETWORK. But tonight was an exception. No, they didn't redeem themselves. They sunk to a new low. And the sinking was in the form of... pants. Let's go to the play by play.
It was their big main event, pitting Fighter A, Mr. Sylvia, versus Fighter B, Mr. Silva (no relation). Fighter A is aggressive and backs Fighter B up against the chain-link fence at the edge of "the octagon" almost immediately. Now Fighter B, being an experienced martial artist of some kind, has a brilliant tactic to keep from getting pummeled. He throws his arms around Fighter A's neck in a cheek to cheek hug. This wouldn't have been so bad if not for the fact that he also wrapped his legs around Fighter A's waist. Upon seeing this, I have my standard reaction of "you've got to be friggin' kidding me." But this wasn't a standard match. This was the main event, and they needed to make it special.
They didn't disappoint. Fighter B's leglock starts to slide and Fighter A's trunks start sliding down his hips, exposing his underpants. At this point I grab my remote control and say, "okay! Time to change the channel!" Before I get a chance though, the referee separates the two, tells Fighter A to pull his pants up and the match continues. Now, I figure the worst is over and I'm kind of curious to see how this oh-so-manly tactic works out so I keep watching. Besides, I'm not as bad off as the poor ringside commentators have no choice but to keep watching and need to make some kind of technique-based excuse for this development. So, mustering all his wisdom, one of them declares, "the way to neutralize this height advantage is to neutralize the height advantage!"
...All hail the new master of the obvious.
Still, they can't do much worse than that, can they? Oops! I underestimated them. It turns out that the match lasts a full three rounds and Fighter B uses his manly bear hug with leglock manuver EVERY SINGLE ROUND. That alone would have been painful enough. But once again, it's the commentators who come through with the biggest blow to the UFC's credibility with a single ill-timed comment. It came in the second round, after Fighter A nearly lost his pants for the second time.
They said, and I quote, "Tim Sylvia desperately wants to wear that belt again!"
...Well, he sure as hell looks like he needs one.
So in case you're curious, Fighter B's jujitsu snuggling strategy didn't work out and Fighter A won by unanimous decision. But I think I can safely say that in spite of that decision, there were no winners in that match.
I figured I'd get a chuckle out of this show like always, then tune to something with a little more class. Like CARTOON NETWORK. But tonight was an exception. No, they didn't redeem themselves. They sunk to a new low. And the sinking was in the form of... pants. Let's go to the play by play.
It was their big main event, pitting Fighter A, Mr. Sylvia, versus Fighter B, Mr. Silva (no relation). Fighter A is aggressive and backs Fighter B up against the chain-link fence at the edge of "the octagon" almost immediately. Now Fighter B, being an experienced martial artist of some kind, has a brilliant tactic to keep from getting pummeled. He throws his arms around Fighter A's neck in a cheek to cheek hug. This wouldn't have been so bad if not for the fact that he also wrapped his legs around Fighter A's waist. Upon seeing this, I have my standard reaction of "you've got to be friggin' kidding me." But this wasn't a standard match. This was the main event, and they needed to make it special.
They didn't disappoint. Fighter B's leglock starts to slide and Fighter A's trunks start sliding down his hips, exposing his underpants. At this point I grab my remote control and say, "okay! Time to change the channel!" Before I get a chance though, the referee separates the two, tells Fighter A to pull his pants up and the match continues. Now, I figure the worst is over and I'm kind of curious to see how this oh-so-manly tactic works out so I keep watching. Besides, I'm not as bad off as the poor ringside commentators have no choice but to keep watching and need to make some kind of technique-based excuse for this development. So, mustering all his wisdom, one of them declares, "the way to neutralize this height advantage is to neutralize the height advantage!"
...All hail the new master of the obvious.
Still, they can't do much worse than that, can they? Oops! I underestimated them. It turns out that the match lasts a full three rounds and Fighter B uses his manly bear hug with leglock manuver EVERY SINGLE ROUND. That alone would have been painful enough. But once again, it's the commentators who come through with the biggest blow to the UFC's credibility with a single ill-timed comment. It came in the second round, after Fighter A nearly lost his pants for the second time.
They said, and I quote, "Tim Sylvia desperately wants to wear that belt again!"
...Well, he sure as hell looks like he needs one.
So in case you're curious, Fighter B's jujitsu snuggling strategy didn't work out and Fighter A won by unanimous decision. But I think I can safely say that in spite of that decision, there were no winners in that match.