(no subject)
It sure is getting hard to post here and I'm not entirely sure why. I keep thinking, 'I must catch up with my LJ family' and then I stare at a blank Update screen with no idea of what to write. SO unlike me.
You see, I don't want to bum my friends out but things haven't been too easy these past few months. I'm in a flare at the moment (fortunately, not the worst I've ever had) and that does affect me emotionally for the worse. I'm a bit over scrimping along on the pathetic pay at the Union although I still like a lot of things about working there but with this illness, I'm not sure I can sustain a higher pressure job.
I'm kind of afraid to try anything to change my currect situation because almost everything I've tried in the past 2 years or so hasn't worked out, and I'm beginning to feel paranoid and like a failure. How neurotic is that? I'm still adjusting to all the changes that a chronic disease brings but I won't let up on this idea that I should be out there conquering the world otherwise I'm a failure. What is wrong with me?
I dunno.
God's hand has been heavy on me lately and He's being very, very demanding. It's wearing me out. It's no good fighting with Him over it, however. He always fucks off to the Bahamas or somewhere whenever I'm in a complaining mood and He's not going to let up about what He wants. There are times I want to say, "Having a Lupus flare and PMS and being forced to fast is really not good for a person's sanity, you know!!" But He does know and He's got plans that He chooses not to share with me, at least for now. SO frustrating!
So, now you know why I've been quiet (if anyone was wondering). And I still don't feel like I've said anything edifying but I guess I don't have to, it's only my journal after all.
You see, I don't want to bum my friends out but things haven't been too easy these past few months. I'm in a flare at the moment (fortunately, not the worst I've ever had) and that does affect me emotionally for the worse. I'm a bit over scrimping along on the pathetic pay at the Union although I still like a lot of things about working there but with this illness, I'm not sure I can sustain a higher pressure job.
I'm kind of afraid to try anything to change my currect situation because almost everything I've tried in the past 2 years or so hasn't worked out, and I'm beginning to feel paranoid and like a failure. How neurotic is that? I'm still adjusting to all the changes that a chronic disease brings but I won't let up on this idea that I should be out there conquering the world otherwise I'm a failure. What is wrong with me?
I dunno.
God's hand has been heavy on me lately and He's being very, very demanding. It's wearing me out. It's no good fighting with Him over it, however. He always fucks off to the Bahamas or somewhere whenever I'm in a complaining mood and He's not going to let up about what He wants. There are times I want to say, "Having a Lupus flare and PMS and being forced to fast is really not good for a person's sanity, you know!!" But He does know and He's got plans that He chooses not to share with me, at least for now. SO frustrating!
So, now you know why I've been quiet (if anyone was wondering). And I still don't feel like I've said anything edifying but I guess I don't have to, it's only my journal after all.