this is the girl with such fantastic eyes
ok.
woke up right before i had to meet with my tutor at oasis.
i had left an away message telling alaric to call me, but when i woke up i realized he never did and was a little dissapointed. but i talked to him later, and i guess that was because he forgot to sign on to aim when he was on the computer, and had left his phone upstairs. which meant that his ims and such were being forwarded to his phone. so yeah. that and he fell asleep at 11:30. i'm sure he saw the many messages i sent via aim text messages (there were about 3-4 of them...) before he went to bed. but i don't mind that he didn't call me because he has been really lacking in the sleep department these days, and he needs to get sleep when he can.
jeez, i must sound like the girlfriend from hell these days. getting worried when he doesn't call me. getting jealous that he talks to my friend amanda when he is supposed to be spending time with me. argh fuck it. i'm starting to cry. i don't know what's wrong with me lately, but i feel like something isn't right in my head. like i'm going crazy again. school is getting difficult to make sense of. like yesterday in psychology he was explaining stuff, and nothing he said made sense to me at all. i was sitting there, and it felt like he was speaking a foreign language. and i don't just mean like, "oh psychology is a foreign language to me" i mean like, every sentence he said, whether it had anything to do with psychology or not, did not seem like he was speaking English. and i kept on trying to make sense of what he was saying but it just didn't make sense. it was like trying to answer the question of "what is the purpose of life?" rather than like "what is the apparent contradiction of psychology?"
and reading for my English class. i find myself struggling more than usual. several times the passages had to be read over several times because i could not retain the information.
i find myself needing to make sense of things that can't be made sense of.
i find myself paranoid as fuck that i'm going to lose my boyfriend. and this is what really bothers me the most. i especially don't want to lose him due to me being paranoid or from something i can't really control. like obsessing over why he didn't call me, or why he didn't come to visit me yesterday, or convincing myself that he would leave me for Amanda, even if i know deep down that would never happen. because a) amanda has nothing in common with him b) she sometimes ignores him when he talks to her c) amanda can be at times more psychologically unsound than i am on a "normal" day...what with her obsessive compulsive behavior regarding school, her neuroses (like you can't put your bag next to her when you're driving and she's sitting in the passenger side) how she takes everything so seriously and takes offense to things sooo easily if you poke friendly fun at her.
i don't know. i just know they wouldn't make a good couple and yet i still have this fear that he is going to leave me for her. it's insane of me really. i guess sorting that all out makes me feel better now that i've said it all and can read the reasons why he's not going to leave me for her. but it's stuff like that that i worry about. like when alaric told me that he hates this guy who is engaged yet wants to sleep with all the brazillian girls at work, i worry that maybe alaric is really talking about himself. as in he's the one that's sleeping around and he says that so i think that he's not. but what the fuck. why does my mind do this to me? and like last night i had major ocd about my away message. i thought that i had written the wrong name where alaric's name should be. i laid in bed trying to control how ocd i was being about needing to check the away message to make sure i used alaric's name. i wanted so badly to get out of bed and see if i wrote the right name. but i somehow managed to control myself. when i woke up i had used alaric's name. i mean who else's name would i have used anyway?
today i found myself flushing the toilet after i had already flushed it.
maybe i do have ocd. i have always joked about having it, but now maybe i really do. i've always been obsessive...definitely. i have little obsessions with things. in relationships i am obsessed with the person i am with which can be a good thing because i'd never ever cheat on them, but a bad thing because in the past they think i'm too needy and get attatched too easily. luckily with alaric, up until now i've maintained a very normal healthy relationship with him. we are mutually attatched to each other.i don't feel like one of us cares more about the other. i just hope that if i start to go crazy he'll support me, even if i start thinking crazy things about him he'll hopefully understand it's not the me he knows that is thinking these things, its more like another part of me or even another person that isn't who i really am. i don't even know. i just talked to him on the phone and i feel like i could talk to him fairly normally. i sort of feel detatched. i guess that's the best word for it. like, i can step aside from everything that's wrong with me right now and still be the same person i really am...yet my mind is totally black and holey and fucked but my mind is only one part of me that doesn't overpower me completely. in other words, part of me is still myself and can function, but part of me isn't and can't function. ahhh fuck i don't even know if this makes sense. but umm, i think that the part of me that speaks and talks is a different part than what my brain is thinking. ah. i should shut up this isn't healthy.
i'm sure that if i get some sleep it'll benefit me.
but i'm not done writing yet.
so i went to my tutoring. that was normal.
erm then went back to my room, read more, had some difficulty with that, ate, called alaric...that went pretty well.
went to class and spaced out a lot.
went to dinner with kaitie and her friend.
kaitie gave me something she bought me from savers. it was a green and pink bag from clinique. it was really cool, except that it said clinique on it. but it was really nice of her.
then i ran into obed when i got back to my room. he asked me if i was going to hall council tonight. i said i'd try.
but rae, krissy and i were supposed to go see the ramone's documentary at the cable car. i should have just told him i couldn't go tonight but i had forgotten to tell him that. so i took a shower, did my hair. put on my makeup. rae got mad at me because she said i looked cuter than her or something. krissy and rae were obsessing over how they looked and i said "all we're going to is a movie" and rae was like "well look at you miss 'we're only going to a movie'"...i think the difference was that i wasn't obsessing over how i looked, i wasn't hoping there'd be cute guys there, and even if they thought i put a lot of effort into how i looked, the only thing i really did put a lot of effort into was my hair, because i am always that way with my hair after i take a shower. whatever.
then we went to the bank to get the billz (hahaha) and then drove downtown to the cable car. i was frustrated because i took the wrong turn and there were all these one ways trying to get back to where i needed to be. this cop yelled at me because i didn't see a one way sign and started going the wrong way and when i realized it i turned around. he yelled at me after i had already started to turn around which didn't really make sense. we finally got there. i'm so bad at parallel parking.
we paid to see the movie. i also got chai tea and a woopie pie thing. krissy and rae got brownies.
um...yeah, the movie was really good and funny.
i liked it. choice.
but when we came out of the theater, we all felt sort of funny. lightheaded, almost high. rae felt sick.
maybe this is why i am feeling so crazy tonight.
i don't know really. i can't focus on anything but writing this damn entry. i was crying a lot. i feel fucked up. although my craziness started to really be noticeable before the movie, so that's probably not it.
when i got back, obed stopped by to ask why i wasn't in hall council. when we left for the movie we tried to make sure he wouldn't see us leave but he totally did. so i just explained to him i promised my friend's i'd see the movie with them. he probably thought i was lying.
i have a feeling i'm going to regret this entry later. but just keep in mind people that it was sort of a stream of conciousness type piece. some of what was said i probably didn't mean and was me overreacting and all that lovely stuff. i really don't know. some of it is definitely just how i'm feeling at the moment. it could be totally different tommorrow. i could be totally fine.
woke up right before i had to meet with my tutor at oasis.
i had left an away message telling alaric to call me, but when i woke up i realized he never did and was a little dissapointed. but i talked to him later, and i guess that was because he forgot to sign on to aim when he was on the computer, and had left his phone upstairs. which meant that his ims and such were being forwarded to his phone. so yeah. that and he fell asleep at 11:30. i'm sure he saw the many messages i sent via aim text messages (there were about 3-4 of them...) before he went to bed. but i don't mind that he didn't call me because he has been really lacking in the sleep department these days, and he needs to get sleep when he can.
jeez, i must sound like the girlfriend from hell these days. getting worried when he doesn't call me. getting jealous that he talks to my friend amanda when he is supposed to be spending time with me. argh fuck it. i'm starting to cry. i don't know what's wrong with me lately, but i feel like something isn't right in my head. like i'm going crazy again. school is getting difficult to make sense of. like yesterday in psychology he was explaining stuff, and nothing he said made sense to me at all. i was sitting there, and it felt like he was speaking a foreign language. and i don't just mean like, "oh psychology is a foreign language to me" i mean like, every sentence he said, whether it had anything to do with psychology or not, did not seem like he was speaking English. and i kept on trying to make sense of what he was saying but it just didn't make sense. it was like trying to answer the question of "what is the purpose of life?" rather than like "what is the apparent contradiction of psychology?"
and reading for my English class. i find myself struggling more than usual. several times the passages had to be read over several times because i could not retain the information.
i find myself needing to make sense of things that can't be made sense of.
i find myself paranoid as fuck that i'm going to lose my boyfriend. and this is what really bothers me the most. i especially don't want to lose him due to me being paranoid or from something i can't really control. like obsessing over why he didn't call me, or why he didn't come to visit me yesterday, or convincing myself that he would leave me for Amanda, even if i know deep down that would never happen. because a) amanda has nothing in common with him b) she sometimes ignores him when he talks to her c) amanda can be at times more psychologically unsound than i am on a "normal" day...what with her obsessive compulsive behavior regarding school, her neuroses (like you can't put your bag next to her when you're driving and she's sitting in the passenger side) how she takes everything so seriously and takes offense to things sooo easily if you poke friendly fun at her.
i don't know. i just know they wouldn't make a good couple and yet i still have this fear that he is going to leave me for her. it's insane of me really. i guess sorting that all out makes me feel better now that i've said it all and can read the reasons why he's not going to leave me for her. but it's stuff like that that i worry about. like when alaric told me that he hates this guy who is engaged yet wants to sleep with all the brazillian girls at work, i worry that maybe alaric is really talking about himself. as in he's the one that's sleeping around and he says that so i think that he's not. but what the fuck. why does my mind do this to me? and like last night i had major ocd about my away message. i thought that i had written the wrong name where alaric's name should be. i laid in bed trying to control how ocd i was being about needing to check the away message to make sure i used alaric's name. i wanted so badly to get out of bed and see if i wrote the right name. but i somehow managed to control myself. when i woke up i had used alaric's name. i mean who else's name would i have used anyway?
today i found myself flushing the toilet after i had already flushed it.
maybe i do have ocd. i have always joked about having it, but now maybe i really do. i've always been obsessive...definitely. i have little obsessions with things. in relationships i am obsessed with the person i am with which can be a good thing because i'd never ever cheat on them, but a bad thing because in the past they think i'm too needy and get attatched too easily. luckily with alaric, up until now i've maintained a very normal healthy relationship with him. we are mutually attatched to each other.i don't feel like one of us cares more about the other. i just hope that if i start to go crazy he'll support me, even if i start thinking crazy things about him he'll hopefully understand it's not the me he knows that is thinking these things, its more like another part of me or even another person that isn't who i really am. i don't even know. i just talked to him on the phone and i feel like i could talk to him fairly normally. i sort of feel detatched. i guess that's the best word for it. like, i can step aside from everything that's wrong with me right now and still be the same person i really am...yet my mind is totally black and holey and fucked but my mind is only one part of me that doesn't overpower me completely. in other words, part of me is still myself and can function, but part of me isn't and can't function. ahhh fuck i don't even know if this makes sense. but umm, i think that the part of me that speaks and talks is a different part than what my brain is thinking. ah. i should shut up this isn't healthy.
i'm sure that if i get some sleep it'll benefit me.
but i'm not done writing yet.
so i went to my tutoring. that was normal.
erm then went back to my room, read more, had some difficulty with that, ate, called alaric...that went pretty well.
went to class and spaced out a lot.
went to dinner with kaitie and her friend.
kaitie gave me something she bought me from savers. it was a green and pink bag from clinique. it was really cool, except that it said clinique on it. but it was really nice of her.
then i ran into obed when i got back to my room. he asked me if i was going to hall council tonight. i said i'd try.
but rae, krissy and i were supposed to go see the ramone's documentary at the cable car. i should have just told him i couldn't go tonight but i had forgotten to tell him that. so i took a shower, did my hair. put on my makeup. rae got mad at me because she said i looked cuter than her or something. krissy and rae were obsessing over how they looked and i said "all we're going to is a movie" and rae was like "well look at you miss 'we're only going to a movie'"...i think the difference was that i wasn't obsessing over how i looked, i wasn't hoping there'd be cute guys there, and even if they thought i put a lot of effort into how i looked, the only thing i really did put a lot of effort into was my hair, because i am always that way with my hair after i take a shower. whatever.
then we went to the bank to get the billz (hahaha) and then drove downtown to the cable car. i was frustrated because i took the wrong turn and there were all these one ways trying to get back to where i needed to be. this cop yelled at me because i didn't see a one way sign and started going the wrong way and when i realized it i turned around. he yelled at me after i had already started to turn around which didn't really make sense. we finally got there. i'm so bad at parallel parking.
we paid to see the movie. i also got chai tea and a woopie pie thing. krissy and rae got brownies.
um...yeah, the movie was really good and funny.
i liked it. choice.
but when we came out of the theater, we all felt sort of funny. lightheaded, almost high. rae felt sick.
maybe this is why i am feeling so crazy tonight.
i don't know really. i can't focus on anything but writing this damn entry. i was crying a lot. i feel fucked up. although my craziness started to really be noticeable before the movie, so that's probably not it.
when i got back, obed stopped by to ask why i wasn't in hall council. when we left for the movie we tried to make sure he wouldn't see us leave but he totally did. so i just explained to him i promised my friend's i'd see the movie with them. he probably thought i was lying.
i have a feeling i'm going to regret this entry later. but just keep in mind people that it was sort of a stream of conciousness type piece. some of what was said i probably didn't mean and was me overreacting and all that lovely stuff. i really don't know. some of it is definitely just how i'm feeling at the moment. it could be totally different tommorrow. i could be totally fine.