(FIC) Grief - 3/6
Title: “Grief”
Fandom: Castle
Characters/pairings: Ryan/Jenny, Ryan/Esposito, Beckett, Castle
Word count: 544 words this chapter; 5,541 words total
Spoilers: Minor spoilers through “Mistress” (2x16).
Occasion: Fill for a prompt at castlekink . Sorry it took so long =[[
Disclaimer: Some angsty stuff… far more than I had intended to put in, anyway. Despite it being for castlekink , there’s no actual kink in it. Oops.
Rating: PG-13 for language and alcohol consumption
Summary: The five stages of grief aren’t just for people who are dying.
( Denial ) ( Anger ) ( BARGAINING ) ( Depression ) ( Acceptance ) ... ( Death )
Bargaining.
He watched Ryan take the call, grin broadly, and walk off, chattering to the woman on the other end of the line. It was the third time that morning. Esposito ground his teeth.
He had been wrestling with the idea of telling Ryan, if for no reason other than to get Ryan to stop being so gaga over Jenny in front of him. He even decided to do it, too, more than once. But every time he started with “hey, Ryan,” and saw those questioning eyes looking back at him, the words died on his lips, and he made up a quick excuse to cover it.
Maybe I should just kiss him, he thought desperately as he saw Ryan in the break room by himself. He got up and followed him, Ryan’s head snapping up as he came in.
“Hey, Ryan?” he started again, swallowing the lump in his throat. This was it: show time.
Ryan looked at him with mild interest and Esposito stepped closer, steeling his nerves. Every instinct he possessed was screaming at him to run, to mumble “never mind” and leave the way he had come, but he thought better of it.
Maybe not a kiss, then. Maybe I should just tell him…
The words didn’t even seem like his, but before he knew what had happened, they had slipped from between his lips. “There’s something I’ve got to say,” he mumbled, longing to put them back in his mouth and swallow them again.
Ryan set down his coffee to give Esposito his full attention. Any other moment and Esposito would have smiled at the courteous gesture that was so completely Ryan. Now, though, he fought a wave of queasiness as he struggled to find the courage to continue the conversation.
If I could just tell him, just this one time, then I would never look at him that way again; I would put it all behind me, I would bury my feelings, if I could just find the strength to tell him...
Come on, Javier. You can do this.
“We’ve been friends a while now, yeah?” Ryan looked at him confusedly and opened his mouth to say something, but Esposito shook his head and cut him off. “Listen, bro. We’ve been through hell together, and I just…well, I have to say-…“ All the emotion that lay hidden for so long rose into his throat, cutting off his oxygen supply.
Please, God, I would leave him alone so that he could be happy with his girlfriend, if I could just get this off my chest, just one time, that’s all I want, just once… God, please, just give me the strength, just this one time…
But his desperate prayers went unanswered.
“Thanks for everything,” he finished lamely, feeling miserably pathetic and hating himself for coming so far and yet not having the strength. With an easy smile and a soft “no worries”, Ryan patted Esposito’s shoulder bracingly, turning and leaving the break room. Esposito wanted to call him back, to ask him to stay, to make Ryan hear him out…
If I could just tell him, just tell him I love him, just this one time…
But he never said a word. He doubted that he ever would.