(no subject)
i spend a ridiculous amount of money going out to eat. i think i can safely say that. for a long time i thought it was from the whole food=reward thing we had growing up, going to mcdonalds with our report card and the like. today i was feeling down and went to dinner and realized that another aspect of it may be that someone is "taking care of" (and paying attention to) me for an hour or so. that's sort of an unsettling way to look at it, like i'm that desperate for any sort of connection with people that i'll pay for it (albeit in an extremely socially acceptable fashion).
i blab on the washingtonpost chats all the time and a lot of the time my posts never get posted, which turns out to be for the best! today this pretty personal rant got posted and i immediately felt over exposed and like i shouldn't have said anything and just felt bad. for some reason i post a lot about things related to my sister and no one ever posts the questions, so it was just weird to get a response and one with a "so sorry for your loss" which clearly i am trolling to hear, but also makes me uncomfortable. the response actually did help me continue on my way towards a decision about this trip to paris my mom is so keen on. the columnist said no no no since we don't have enough savings, but when i think about that damn dining room table we bought, that's comprable to two tickets. so, if i can spend money on that, why not spend money on something my mom really wants to do? i can even pay out of pocket (even though it's taken so long to save and i really like having savings and i have so many things i want to do with that savings...). basically, i waste so much of my money, why not waste it on something nice for my mom?
my mom is doing an epilepsy walk/run on saturday and i finally got around to going to her donation page and it was a team in memory of my sister, and i dunno, i just wasn't expecting that and find it upsetting. also, no one has donated! my cousin's family does the march of dimes walk and spams everyone each year and when i go to their page there are lots of donations from family members. my mom said anytime she's asked people in our family they either say no or have to be cajoled into giving a small amount. i didn't give a ton either, but it just seems lame that people can't give a few bucks. on the other hand, i am not a member of the team fundraising well, cause my mom never asked me, and i hate fundraising, and i would feel like i was guilting people into it.
just feeling pretty lonely i guess. everyone has their own shit going on, which is great and understandable and as it should be, but sometimes it just drives home how alone i am without my sister and much of a family. guess i just wish i had more of my own shit going on. well, my aunt and cousin are supposed to visit tomorrow so i need to clean. hopefully the apartment won't be as unbearably stuffy as it is right now.
i blab on the washingtonpost chats all the time and a lot of the time my posts never get posted, which turns out to be for the best! today this pretty personal rant got posted and i immediately felt over exposed and like i shouldn't have said anything and just felt bad. for some reason i post a lot about things related to my sister and no one ever posts the questions, so it was just weird to get a response and one with a "so sorry for your loss" which clearly i am trolling to hear, but also makes me uncomfortable. the response actually did help me continue on my way towards a decision about this trip to paris my mom is so keen on. the columnist said no no no since we don't have enough savings, but when i think about that damn dining room table we bought, that's comprable to two tickets. so, if i can spend money on that, why not spend money on something my mom really wants to do? i can even pay out of pocket (even though it's taken so long to save and i really like having savings and i have so many things i want to do with that savings...). basically, i waste so much of my money, why not waste it on something nice for my mom?
my mom is doing an epilepsy walk/run on saturday and i finally got around to going to her donation page and it was a team in memory of my sister, and i dunno, i just wasn't expecting that and find it upsetting. also, no one has donated! my cousin's family does the march of dimes walk and spams everyone each year and when i go to their page there are lots of donations from family members. my mom said anytime she's asked people in our family they either say no or have to be cajoled into giving a small amount. i didn't give a ton either, but it just seems lame that people can't give a few bucks. on the other hand, i am not a member of the team fundraising well, cause my mom never asked me, and i hate fundraising, and i would feel like i was guilting people into it.
just feeling pretty lonely i guess. everyone has their own shit going on, which is great and understandable and as it should be, but sometimes it just drives home how alone i am without my sister and much of a family. guess i just wish i had more of my own shit going on. well, my aunt and cousin are supposed to visit tomorrow so i need to clean. hopefully the apartment won't be as unbearably stuffy as it is right now.