Suju Guide to Life (Kibum)
Title: Suju Guide to Life
Rating: G
Genre: Crack
Pairings: None!
Warnings: None!
Summary: KIBUMMIE tells you what to do when RELATIONSHIPS GO WRONG.
Super Junior's Guide to Life Part 12!
Just to clear some things up before I begin, I am not particularly experienced with issues regarding breakups, okay? I was only forced to write this because all the other members were too sissy to do this and didn't have the guts to face the potential fan's wrath that they may receive upon the releasing of this edition. *purses lips*
Also, I hope that you're appreciating the fact that I am writing this in the privacy of my trailer between takes instead of rehearsing my lines and "getting into character", totally ignoring the fact that if my new movie flops because of my lack of concentration, my career as an actor will be marred for life. I also fully expect to stop receiving letters saying "Go back to Suju or die!" or "Your long hair sarkzx man". (About the hair, I AM considering getting it snipped off, not because the haters tell me too, but because just the other day this other guy came up to me and told me I was a "really hot babe" and if he could have my number. Enough said)
Tell-tale signs a relationship is over
-He stops calling you. (There are NO exceptions. Idol's never lose their phones and besides, what are pay phones invented for then?)
-He makes up phoney excuses to avoid seeing you. (Be espescially wary of any pet-related excuses. Eg: His turtle or cat mysteriously falls sick and/or runs out of food whenever you call asking him to go out)
-His kisses start to feel as flat as a dead person's heartbeat. (Particularly when your mind starts to wander to other more "important" things like picking up that new fabulous sequined shirt)
-You always argue about petty things. ("You smell terrible, like soy bean paste. Ew.", "It's not me, it's my feet. whats wrong with soy bean paste anyway?" Geezus)
-You have little to say to each other anymore. ("So... Nice weather." "It's raining." "Yeahhh...")
-He treats you thoughtlessly, is always late for dates, subtley insults you and pressurizes you to go further than you want to.
-You've met someone else.
-He's met someone else. (Or several someone elses)
How to tell him it's over
Pull the plug before he can!
Do:
-Be clear and direct about. Don't beat around the bush and say things like "Well... we're like... going out right? So... when things start going downhill for people who are going out together then... what happens?"
-Give him a reason. Don't say "Just because", but don't make the reason sound too harsh or shallow because he is an Idol after all, and if you tell him that you're breaking up with him simply because "He's too fat" or "He shows too much gums", his fans will be after your blood.
Don't:
-Do it via text message, email, phone, letter, or through a friend. (Kangin once told me that someone did it to him through carrier pigeon before. I'm not sure if he was being serious or not but being the obedient dongsaeng that I am I simply nodded and "mmm-ed" in sympathetic understanding)
-Just stand him up or ignore his messages and calls. You would hate it if that happened to you.
And Heechul-hyung insisted that I had to include these goodbye lines that he found on the internet and thought were "hilariously funny". Well...
"Kind, intelligent, loving and hot - this describes everything you're not"
"I see your face when I am dreaming - that's why I always wake up screaming"
"I had fun while it lasted, too bad you're a bastard. (:"
Obviously Heechul-hyung has much to learn.
Dealing with rejection
Tips from my Hyungs on how to deal with the pain and embarrassment of it all.
Ryeowook: Do something therapeutic. For me, I would always immerse myself through cooking. Don't get too carried away though. I remember once I was so heartbroken I made a twelve-course meal in 4 hours by myself without realizing it. Of course, 15 famished men had no problem finishing it.
Yesung: Get a pet that will love you even more and that you can communicate and share your heartfelt feelings with. Note: Not a turtle.
Shindong: Eat chocolate. Plenty of it. Chocolate is a true gift. It patches up all holes in your heart and acts like a cement for a broken heart.
Heechul: Think that it's his loss and go out and find someone else to distract you.
Leeteuk: Voice it out. Find an outlet where you can release your heartache. You will definitely feel much better writing it out (which is my personal preference) or confiding in someone you trust or whom does not possess a set of loose lips.
Siwon: Be philosophical. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. It's all in God's plan for us to fall in love somewhere on the Road of Life. Be patient and wait. Someone will come along sooner or later. But if he doesn't, you can always follow Yesung-hyung's advice.
BITTER RE-VEN-GE
I just had to put in this section for a bit of devilry though of course, as responsible and maure grown ups we would never even consider doing any one of the following. (Kyuhyun: right because who wants to just "consider" doing it when you CAN do it?)
Yesung: Sew not-so-fresh prawns into his duvet; he'll go crazy trying to find out where the smell is coming from.
Kangin: Put itching powder into his concert-boxers for an awesome power packed fan-cam-recorded effect which will forever be immortalised on Youtube.
Siwon: Personally, I feel that revenge is bad for the soul and is strictly not encouraged but I guess if you were forced to exact some kind of revenge you should get hold of his phone and hide it under Heebum.
Heechul: Siwon's "revenge" is lame. Get hold of his phone and text his mum that he got a girl pregnant and is eloping to Switzerland.
Now do you see what beautiful and kind-souled members I've got?
Kim Kibum(mie)
A/N: CREDIT TO SIS FOR THE "BASTARD" BREAK UP LINE. XD
Rating: G
Genre: Crack
Pairings: None!
Warnings: None!
Summary: KIBUMMIE tells you what to do when RELATIONSHIPS GO WRONG.
Super Junior's Guide to Life Part 12!
Just to clear some things up before I begin, I am not particularly experienced with issues regarding breakups, okay? I was only forced to write this because all the other members were too sissy to do this and didn't have the guts to face the potential fan's wrath that they may receive upon the releasing of this edition. *purses lips*
Also, I hope that you're appreciating the fact that I am writing this in the privacy of my trailer between takes instead of rehearsing my lines and "getting into character", totally ignoring the fact that if my new movie flops because of my lack of concentration, my career as an actor will be marred for life. I also fully expect to stop receiving letters saying "Go back to Suju or die!" or "Your long hair sarkzx man". (About the hair, I AM considering getting it snipped off, not because the haters tell me too, but because just the other day this other guy came up to me and told me I was a "really hot babe" and if he could have my number. Enough said)
Tell-tale signs a relationship is over
-He stops calling you. (There are NO exceptions. Idol's never lose their phones and besides, what are pay phones invented for then?)
-He makes up phoney excuses to avoid seeing you. (Be espescially wary of any pet-related excuses. Eg: His turtle or cat mysteriously falls sick and/or runs out of food whenever you call asking him to go out)
-His kisses start to feel as flat as a dead person's heartbeat. (Particularly when your mind starts to wander to other more "important" things like picking up that new fabulous sequined shirt)
-You always argue about petty things. ("You smell terrible, like soy bean paste. Ew.", "It's not me, it's my feet. whats wrong with soy bean paste anyway?" Geezus)
-You have little to say to each other anymore. ("So... Nice weather." "It's raining." "Yeahhh...")
-He treats you thoughtlessly, is always late for dates, subtley insults you and pressurizes you to go further than you want to.
-You've met someone else.
-He's met someone else. (Or several someone elses)
How to tell him it's over
Pull the plug before he can!
Do:
-Be clear and direct about. Don't beat around the bush and say things like "Well... we're like... going out right? So... when things start going downhill for people who are going out together then... what happens?"
-Give him a reason. Don't say "Just because", but don't make the reason sound too harsh or shallow because he is an Idol after all, and if you tell him that you're breaking up with him simply because "He's too fat" or "He shows too much gums", his fans will be after your blood.
Don't:
-Do it via text message, email, phone, letter, or through a friend. (Kangin once told me that someone did it to him through carrier pigeon before. I'm not sure if he was being serious or not but being the obedient dongsaeng that I am I simply nodded and "mmm-ed" in sympathetic understanding)
-Just stand him up or ignore his messages and calls. You would hate it if that happened to you.
And Heechul-hyung insisted that I had to include these goodbye lines that he found on the internet and thought were "hilariously funny". Well...
"Kind, intelligent, loving and hot - this describes everything you're not"
"I see your face when I am dreaming - that's why I always wake up screaming"
"I had fun while it lasted, too bad you're a bastard. (:"
Obviously Heechul-hyung has much to learn.
Dealing with rejection
Tips from my Hyungs on how to deal with the pain and embarrassment of it all.
Ryeowook: Do something therapeutic. For me, I would always immerse myself through cooking. Don't get too carried away though. I remember once I was so heartbroken I made a twelve-course meal in 4 hours by myself without realizing it. Of course, 15 famished men had no problem finishing it.
Yesung: Get a pet that will love you even more and that you can communicate and share your heartfelt feelings with. Note: Not a turtle.
Shindong: Eat chocolate. Plenty of it. Chocolate is a true gift. It patches up all holes in your heart and acts like a cement for a broken heart.
Heechul: Think that it's his loss and go out and find someone else to distract you.
Leeteuk: Voice it out. Find an outlet where you can release your heartache. You will definitely feel much better writing it out (which is my personal preference) or confiding in someone you trust or whom does not possess a set of loose lips.
Siwon: Be philosophical. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. It's all in God's plan for us to fall in love somewhere on the Road of Life. Be patient and wait. Someone will come along sooner or later. But if he doesn't, you can always follow Yesung-hyung's advice.
BITTER RE-VEN-GE
I just had to put in this section for a bit of devilry though of course, as responsible and maure grown ups we would never even consider doing any one of the following. (Kyuhyun: right because who wants to just "consider" doing it when you CAN do it?)
Yesung: Sew not-so-fresh prawns into his duvet; he'll go crazy trying to find out where the smell is coming from.
Kangin: Put itching powder into his concert-boxers for an awesome power packed fan-cam-recorded effect which will forever be immortalised on Youtube.
Siwon: Personally, I feel that revenge is bad for the soul and is strictly not encouraged but I guess if you were forced to exact some kind of revenge you should get hold of his phone and hide it under Heebum.
Heechul: Siwon's "revenge" is lame. Get hold of his phone and text his mum that he got a girl pregnant and is eloping to Switzerland.
Now do you see what beautiful and kind-souled members I've got?
Kim Kibum(mie)
A/N: CREDIT TO SIS FOR THE "BASTARD" BREAK UP LINE. XD