mmmrphllll
Having trouble sleeping lately. I ran out of my smokeable sleep drugs and excedrin pm doesn't cut it for me anymore so I thought I'd try some lj therapy.
After my brother died, I started writing this big post about him and our relationship but the whole thing was pretty angry and I have problems with speaking ill of the dead so I scrapped it. I still have it, I think, but dumping 35+ years of emotional baggage on all of you didn't seem fair so here's the condensed version.
My brother hated me, from the time I was born. He was 2. I've been told about how he'd pile blankets on top of me and try to suffocate me. Things like that. Got worse as we got older and it all came to a screeching halt about 4 years ago on Thanksgiving. He got pretty pissed at me about something really stupid and it was so bad that I just stopped talking to him. I'd say hi when he came around but that was it. I was totally done with him because he was such a dick and when he died I didn't take it very well. I had thought I hated his guts to the extreme but then he was gone and I realized that I hadn't ever really given up hope that someday we would both be adults and let all the sibling rivalry shit go and develop a normal relationship. So of course that's never going to happen.
I'm still working through it.
I also have issues with the fact that I wished him dead more than once and now...
I know what happened to him was in no way my fault. He drowned on a fishing trip and all I could think about was how scared he must have been and it just fucks with my head so much. The whole thing does.
And then 8 months later my dad died. I'm extremely pissed off about that. How fucking many people go in the hospital for back surgery and never come back out? I can't really talk about that a whole lot. Maybe I will soon. Maybe it'll help.
When my brother died, I stayed pretty fucked up for a while, like chemically induced fucked up. The week between when he died and when we buried him is all fuzzy and surreal. People kept handing me pills and I kept swallowing them. I don't know if that helped but it sure didn't hurt. My daughter put me to bed quite a few nights but she didn't know what was going on, that mommy was blitzed out of her mind. I wasn't ever that far gone as to let on that I was pilled out. I'm a little bit better mom than that.
I couldn't do that when dad died (November 2). I had to suddenly be responsible and take care of shit. Funeral arrangements and informing family members and going back to work.
Yes, I actually joined the work force. I'm a CNA (certified nurse aide) and I like it. Home care for the elderly and disabled. I was working 40+ hours a week but the night my brother died I called and told them I had no idea when I'd be back. Let me just say, the company I work for is just amazing. So understanding and they told me to take my time. So I did. I went back to work a few weeks after dad died and I didn't know it for a while but they were very careful about the types of clients they sent me to. Like no hospice patients and things like that.
I worked for one man, a really sweet man, from right before Thanksgiving all the way through Christmas and it was hard. Taking care of him wasn't hard but he was in an assisted living facility while his daughter went out of town for some reason. I don't remember why. But I was working 12 hour days, every single day, including the holidays and I cried and cried on Thanksgiving. Subtly, of course, since I was at work but I was pissed at his daughter for going off and leaving him like that at the holidays. I know it was irrational but I would have given ANYTHING to be with my dad and I thought it was just horrible of her to do that. But I got through it.
I really need to learn to not judge people based on my own wishy-washy moral codes.
I stopped working again because my mom's not doing so well. Heart issues and COPD. I have to go back soon and I think that's another thing that's keeping me awake. I need to be here at home with her but we also have to eat and pay bills.
I'm so fucking pissed at both of my brothers. How fucked up is that? But they should be here helping me with shit instead of dying and chillin' out in prison. They have it so fucking easy and I can't stand it.
Maybe I just need a shrink.
After my brother died, I started writing this big post about him and our relationship but the whole thing was pretty angry and I have problems with speaking ill of the dead so I scrapped it. I still have it, I think, but dumping 35+ years of emotional baggage on all of you didn't seem fair so here's the condensed version.
My brother hated me, from the time I was born. He was 2. I've been told about how he'd pile blankets on top of me and try to suffocate me. Things like that. Got worse as we got older and it all came to a screeching halt about 4 years ago on Thanksgiving. He got pretty pissed at me about something really stupid and it was so bad that I just stopped talking to him. I'd say hi when he came around but that was it. I was totally done with him because he was such a dick and when he died I didn't take it very well. I had thought I hated his guts to the extreme but then he was gone and I realized that I hadn't ever really given up hope that someday we would both be adults and let all the sibling rivalry shit go and develop a normal relationship. So of course that's never going to happen.
I'm still working through it.
I also have issues with the fact that I wished him dead more than once and now...
I know what happened to him was in no way my fault. He drowned on a fishing trip and all I could think about was how scared he must have been and it just fucks with my head so much. The whole thing does.
And then 8 months later my dad died. I'm extremely pissed off about that. How fucking many people go in the hospital for back surgery and never come back out? I can't really talk about that a whole lot. Maybe I will soon. Maybe it'll help.
When my brother died, I stayed pretty fucked up for a while, like chemically induced fucked up. The week between when he died and when we buried him is all fuzzy and surreal. People kept handing me pills and I kept swallowing them. I don't know if that helped but it sure didn't hurt. My daughter put me to bed quite a few nights but she didn't know what was going on, that mommy was blitzed out of her mind. I wasn't ever that far gone as to let on that I was pilled out. I'm a little bit better mom than that.
I couldn't do that when dad died (November 2). I had to suddenly be responsible and take care of shit. Funeral arrangements and informing family members and going back to work.
Yes, I actually joined the work force. I'm a CNA (certified nurse aide) and I like it. Home care for the elderly and disabled. I was working 40+ hours a week but the night my brother died I called and told them I had no idea when I'd be back. Let me just say, the company I work for is just amazing. So understanding and they told me to take my time. So I did. I went back to work a few weeks after dad died and I didn't know it for a while but they were very careful about the types of clients they sent me to. Like no hospice patients and things like that.
I worked for one man, a really sweet man, from right before Thanksgiving all the way through Christmas and it was hard. Taking care of him wasn't hard but he was in an assisted living facility while his daughter went out of town for some reason. I don't remember why. But I was working 12 hour days, every single day, including the holidays and I cried and cried on Thanksgiving. Subtly, of course, since I was at work but I was pissed at his daughter for going off and leaving him like that at the holidays. I know it was irrational but I would have given ANYTHING to be with my dad and I thought it was just horrible of her to do that. But I got through it.
I really need to learn to not judge people based on my own wishy-washy moral codes.
I stopped working again because my mom's not doing so well. Heart issues and COPD. I have to go back soon and I think that's another thing that's keeping me awake. I need to be here at home with her but we also have to eat and pay bills.
I'm so fucking pissed at both of my brothers. How fucked up is that? But they should be here helping me with shit instead of dying and chillin' out in prison. They have it so fucking easy and I can't stand it.
Maybe I just need a shrink.