far away from home
I’ve never felt this way before - there’s calm, and rest, and no pressing need to stop resting just because some semibad’s got it in his head that destroying the world is some fresh, new, and utterly wonderful idea. Time’s got no meaning and as often as I stop to contemplate that, I realize that it’s been eons since the thought last crossed my mind. Yet I’m conscious of thinking it often.
It’s odd, but wonderful. No worries for Buffy. No worrying now or ever again. Not about the world, not about my friends or about Dawn because I can see them. They’re fine. They don’t need me anymore, because they’ve got each other.
They belong to the world that released me. I remember looking in on them often, usually at night, when they were tormented by dreams. Nobody was happy, but they were healing. And Dawn - God, she’s become so beautiful and vibrant, and so unbelievably strong. I was never that strong.
Oh, my baby sister. It’ll get easier. You might not realize it, but it’s already getting easier, and I’m okay. Nothing hurts. And you have Xander and Giles and Willow and Anya and Tara and Spike --
No sooner do I think of my friends then my entire being seems to stretch painfully, and then finally tears in half. I can’t fight this force, because it has no shape, no body, God, I can’t even see it. Whatever’s ripping me in two is completely without form and I find myself, for the first time, powerless. I can’t even protest.
I try to scream, but I can’t give voice to my fear. It suddenly strikes me that I haven’t spoken since those final seconds high on the tower, holding Dawn close to me as I prepared to sacrifice myself.
Dawn, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.
That moment, when I relinquished all of my fear, is infinitely precious to me. I hold it clearly in my mind’s eye, focusing on it instead of the agony of - whatever is happening to me.
Suddenly it’s like my life is flashing before my eyes, but in reverse. There I go jumping into the portal and there I go burying mom and chasing after Riley and God - don’t I have any happy memories?
Oh. There I am making love to Angel, licking ice cream off his chest, kissing him, laying in his arms, in his bed - this must be the pain talking, because I know for a fact that never happened. There was the one time of the Angel happiness clause and that one time only, except - I’m listening to his heart beat.
Just another dream that never came true.
I go flashing back faster and faster, through slayage and non-slayage, it’s a whirlwind of activity, my life. Suddenly everything goes black for the a moment that’s simultaneously a split second and an eternity, when it then flashes to white. Bright white, but not blinding. Gentle.
The space around me grows tighter and tighter, confining me. The pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, and I’m growing used to it. It’s almost.. pleasant.
All of a sudden it becomes necessary to inhale, and I suck in a lifetime’s worth of air. A sheet covers my body, and I push it off violently, sitting up in shock. People surround me. People I recognize through hazy eyes.
Finally I know it’s possible. I scream.
It’s odd, but wonderful. No worries for Buffy. No worrying now or ever again. Not about the world, not about my friends or about Dawn because I can see them. They’re fine. They don’t need me anymore, because they’ve got each other.
They belong to the world that released me. I remember looking in on them often, usually at night, when they were tormented by dreams. Nobody was happy, but they were healing. And Dawn - God, she’s become so beautiful and vibrant, and so unbelievably strong. I was never that strong.
Oh, my baby sister. It’ll get easier. You might not realize it, but it’s already getting easier, and I’m okay. Nothing hurts. And you have Xander and Giles and Willow and Anya and Tara and Spike --
No sooner do I think of my friends then my entire being seems to stretch painfully, and then finally tears in half. I can’t fight this force, because it has no shape, no body, God, I can’t even see it. Whatever’s ripping me in two is completely without form and I find myself, for the first time, powerless. I can’t even protest.
I try to scream, but I can’t give voice to my fear. It suddenly strikes me that I haven’t spoken since those final seconds high on the tower, holding Dawn close to me as I prepared to sacrifice myself.
Dawn, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.
That moment, when I relinquished all of my fear, is infinitely precious to me. I hold it clearly in my mind’s eye, focusing on it instead of the agony of - whatever is happening to me.
Suddenly it’s like my life is flashing before my eyes, but in reverse. There I go jumping into the portal and there I go burying mom and chasing after Riley and God - don’t I have any happy memories?
Oh. There I am making love to Angel, licking ice cream off his chest, kissing him, laying in his arms, in his bed - this must be the pain talking, because I know for a fact that never happened. There was the one time of the Angel happiness clause and that one time only, except - I’m listening to his heart beat.
Just another dream that never came true.
I go flashing back faster and faster, through slayage and non-slayage, it’s a whirlwind of activity, my life. Suddenly everything goes black for the a moment that’s simultaneously a split second and an eternity, when it then flashes to white. Bright white, but not blinding. Gentle.
The space around me grows tighter and tighter, confining me. The pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, and I’m growing used to it. It’s almost.. pleasant.
All of a sudden it becomes necessary to inhale, and I suck in a lifetime’s worth of air. A sheet covers my body, and I push it off violently, sitting up in shock. People surround me. People I recognize through hazy eyes.
Finally I know it’s possible. I scream.