Twilight bandwagon
So yeah, I'm not going to candy-coat this. I read Twilight. Sheesh, I also read New Moon and Eclipse. I haven't brought myself to read Breaking Dawn yet because I feel I have lost a little piece of my soul and sanity with each page of the eleventymillion page long saga. And guess what: IT IS HORRIBLE!!!!!111oneoneone!!
It is so out of my character to jump onto a bandwagon of something that is uber-popular. For instance, I read the first few Harry Potter novels, but when 8 year old kids started wearing round glasses and using mommy's eyebrow pencil to sketch a lightning bolt shaped birthmark on their foreheads, I politely said "fuck you, Harry Potter".
So why in the name of god and baby Jesus did I decide to read Twilight? I have no sane reason...perhaps it was that fall down a flight of stairs onto my head I took about 22 years ago. Either way, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life...and one of the longest. You see, the first book is 498 pages long, the second is 563, the third is 629 and, great shrieking Jesus, the fourth one is 756 pages! And about 500 pages in each book is devoted to how hot the vampire is supposed to be, and how dazzling he is, and how he fucking SPARKLES in the sunlight. SPARKLES? Bela Lugosi is spinning in his fucking grave right now.
So anyway, the books are horrible, unless you are a 13 year old girl, and then they are the most awesomest piece of literature ever written. I don't know if you've noticed, but I am not a 13 year old girl.
So my main point of writing this is to bring up something I find hilarious. Okay, the main storyline is a girl named Bella (HA! HA! Vampires? Bella? Bela! I get it, and vomit at the same time!) falls in love with Edward a sparkly vampire, and Edward falls in love with Bela, a stupid human. Hold on, I mean they become completely sickeningly enraptured with each other...Bella worships Edward's greek-god-like appearance and Edward worships Bella's odor. You read that right...he falls maddingly in love with Bella because her blood smells delicious...I shit you not.
So this strikes me as hilarious because I made an interesting comparison in my head:
Edward loves Bella because her blood smells delicious, but it brings about a controversy because she smells so irresistible that he has a hard time not killing her to suck her blood.
I love prime rib because it smells delicious, but it brings about a controversy because it smells so irresistible that I have a hard time not breaking my diet of non-meat to eat it.
Edward loves Bella in the way that I love prime rib...a forbidden love that should be unrequited in many ways. I feel I have a winning premise for a 897 page novel.
It is so out of my character to jump onto a bandwagon of something that is uber-popular. For instance, I read the first few Harry Potter novels, but when 8 year old kids started wearing round glasses and using mommy's eyebrow pencil to sketch a lightning bolt shaped birthmark on their foreheads, I politely said "fuck you, Harry Potter".
So why in the name of god and baby Jesus did I decide to read Twilight? I have no sane reason...perhaps it was that fall down a flight of stairs onto my head I took about 22 years ago. Either way, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life...and one of the longest. You see, the first book is 498 pages long, the second is 563, the third is 629 and, great shrieking Jesus, the fourth one is 756 pages! And about 500 pages in each book is devoted to how hot the vampire is supposed to be, and how dazzling he is, and how he fucking SPARKLES in the sunlight. SPARKLES? Bela Lugosi is spinning in his fucking grave right now.
So anyway, the books are horrible, unless you are a 13 year old girl, and then they are the most awesomest piece of literature ever written. I don't know if you've noticed, but I am not a 13 year old girl.
So my main point of writing this is to bring up something I find hilarious. Okay, the main storyline is a girl named Bella (HA! HA! Vampires? Bella? Bela! I get it, and vomit at the same time!) falls in love with Edward a sparkly vampire, and Edward falls in love with Bela, a stupid human. Hold on, I mean they become completely sickeningly enraptured with each other...Bella worships Edward's greek-god-like appearance and Edward worships Bella's odor. You read that right...he falls maddingly in love with Bella because her blood smells delicious...I shit you not.
So this strikes me as hilarious because I made an interesting comparison in my head:
Edward loves Bella because her blood smells delicious, but it brings about a controversy because she smells so irresistible that he has a hard time not killing her to suck her blood.
I love prime rib because it smells delicious, but it brings about a controversy because it smells so irresistible that I have a hard time not breaking my diet of non-meat to eat it.
Edward loves Bella in the way that I love prime rib...a forbidden love that should be unrequited in many ways. I feel I have a winning premise for a 897 page novel.