I have a confession...come this time of year, I enjoy listening to Christmas music. Go ahead, crack up and groan...I'll wait until you are finished.
Okay, done? So I tend to put on stations that play holiday music just to have in the background. While I enjoy alot of the songs that I hear, I have to admit there are some x-mas songs that really bite the big one. For your consideration, here are my top 10 worst holiday songs ever (TM all rights reserved) in no particular sucky order...they all suck equally.
1. Any holiday song by the Carpenters - I have to admit I never really thought much about the Carpenters...I mean, I've never outrightly said I hate them or have I actively sought to listen to them. Having been inflicted with a variety of their holiday tunes I have now made a definite decision that they are horrible. I mean, take their version of "There's No Place Like Home For the Holidays". That is supposed to be a pretty cheery song, but not with Karen Carpenter singing it...she sounds like she is in utter agony. Perhaps it is her refusal to eat actual calories that takes all the vim and vigor out of her singing. Instead of getting psyched about the holiday while listening to this song, I want to shoot myself in the face just to end the total agony.
2. Any holiday song sung by an artist that wants to rock the shit out of a holiday tune. This group includes Bruce Springsteen, John Mellancamp, and any other dude that just screams "U.S. working class". When I listen to christmas music, I want it to be cheery and upbeat but I don't want it to R-O-C-K in the U-S-A. If a drunk dude in a cut-off t-shirt and acid-wash jeans can yell "WOO!" while raising his Coors Light in the air to a christmas song, then it doesn't exactly spark holiday cheer with me.
3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer- This song needs no explanation as to why it sucks. If you require an explanation as to why this song is the Anti-Christ, then please proceed to punch yourself in the groin until you pass out.
4. Do They Know It's Christmas - this song was retardedly crafted by the supergroup Band Aid featuring such unbearable wankers as Bono, Boy George and Phil Collins. This song, on the surface, if you don't really pay attention, isnt that horrible. It's when you actually listen to the lyrics that you can't believe a bunch of rich jerks could be so full of themselves. Band Aid was formed with the hopes of raising money through sales of steaming piles of turd, er, I mean songs such as this one to feed starving people in Africa. I'm sure if the starving people of Africa heard this song, they'd say, "uh, thanks, I already ate". It features such gem lyrics as "And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time". I'm no master of geography and climate, but how often does it snow in Africa? I'm sure there are some high altitudes somewhere in that continent, but I seem to remember hearing somewhere that there isn't much snow south of the equator. Another awesome line is "Do they know it's Christmas time at all?" Here's a better title for the song, you pompous douchebags, "Does everyone in Africa actually give a shit its Christmas?" Or how about "Why does nobody in Africa have a calendar?"
5. Christmas Shoes - Okay, I've written about this song before and its absolute unrivalled sucktitude. This song is unbearable. The gyst of it is some a-hole is out shopping last minute for a christmas gift because he obviously cares so much about his loved ones that he takes a grand total of 5 minutes to dedicate to their gifts. He encounters a poor little kid who is trying to buy some shoes for his dying mother so she can "meet Jesus" in style. So the guy feels such pity for the poor kid that he buys the shoes for him. Wow, way to go Mr. Moneybags. This pitiful kid is dirt poor and is about to be an orphan and the best you can do is buy him a pair of stupid shoes that are going to be 6 feet under in 24 hours? Would it kill you to throw him a fifty and a hamburger or something? I'm sure you feel awesome about your generosity and proud of yourself for announcing it to the entire holiday-song listening audience. I know this song is supposed to teach us all a lesson that we shouldn't be so consumed with buying-buying-buying, and learn what the true meaning of Christmas is. blahblahblah...if I'm listening to christmas music, I want to hear about snowmen, reindeer, craploads of presents, eating, and the ocassional nativity description...leave the serious lesson-learning crap to the Jahovah's Witnesses.
6. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - This is another song I have already complained about, but its so bad it deserves to be complained about again. Am I the only one who finds it really sick that a kid is getting so much pleasure out of seeing his mom make out with Santa? Its sick! And what the hell is going on with the parents in this household? There are two scenarios that one can get out of this song. The first one being the mom waits around every year for Santa to jump down her chimney and stuff her stocking, if you catch my drift. It makes me wonder what sort of shennanigins are going on during other holidays when other mythological figures come to visit. Why can't she cheat on her husband with the milk man or the pool boy like any other normal wife? Either that or daddy and mommy get their jollies by dressing up like Santa and Mrs. Claus and buffing the ole North Pole. Just gross, and certainly not appropriate for a holiday song to be enjoyed by the entire family.
7. Blue Christmas "duet" with Elvis (The One and only King) Presley and some random country singing screechbag - I don't know who the fuck this chick is, and I won't even expend one second into looking who the fuck she is, but some country singer decided to erase half of Elvis's vocals and sing over him in an attempt at some crappy duet. Listen, if someone isn't alive to agree to do a duet with you, you shouldn't do it! And if that dead someone happens to be Elvis Presely, you better not even think of doing it because that is sacreligious. That is like taking a bible, crossing out half of it with a red crayon and writing "POOPY!" on every third page. While it might be good for a laugh, it probably just shouldn't be done.
8. Santa Baby - I'm convinced this song was written by the mother from "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". Its not a bad song, but again, there is just something creepy about seducing Santa into bringing you jewelry. Santa just doesn't seem like the sugar daddy type.
9. Santa Claus is Coming to Town by the Pointer Sisters - I have to admit I only heard this one for the first time two days ago, and that was enough for an entire lifetime. I don't know how they did it, but the Pointer Sisters managed to create a Christmas Carol that sounds like it is sung entirely by drag queens...complete with spoken lyrics which sound like "hey sista girl, you heard santa's comin ta town! aww yeah, girl!" I think RuPaul could make a more tasteful holiday song.
10. Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney - I enjoy my christmas songs cheery, but not syruppy over-the-top-delirium to the point of not making any sense. For example, I think Sir Paul is so thrilled about Christmas Time that he's hallucinating during Christmas dinner, evidenced by the lyrics "The word is out, about the town, to lift a glass, ahhh dont look down!" Hello? Did the acid he took back in 1969 spark a flashback? Who the hell starts making a toast and then suddenly screams "Ahh, don't look down!". Did you mistakenly perceive the turkey on your plate as a face-eating monster from Hell who can hypnotize you with its evil stare, and you so graciously want to warn your fellow diners about the dangers of looking at your food? Thanks, Paul...you might want to try sleeping it off.
The End