(no subject)
I thought I was better with change but I'm back to the tug of war. I seem so brave, taking steps forward, new challenges, and learning new things. But I can't ever fully manage it, looking back and wondering and faking that I don't care so I can take those steps forward again. So here I am blogging, hoping this will lead to some answer as there is no one who really understands my feelings or predicament.
I've been with amazon for a year. I've maintained gold since January and been getting 40 or more hours. I've gained a lot of friends and am recognized for my speed and problem solving, being that employee who goes beyond. All five stores "know" me, even different shifts. I've always found ways to get beyond new hires, them playing with hours, etc...
That doesn't mean that hasn't come with consequences though. I've distanced myself from Belmar, made myself look scarce. I'm not the only one though. Many other shoppers have done it. Many will continue to do so. I had to do so. I need to stay motivated by this tedious job, force myself to meet others, find some joys elsewhere, and most of all continue getting the hours I need to pay my bills. This leaves some of my friends alone so I've put some more effort into getting there.
I even became a problem solver and my first shift is tomorrow, which I'm nervous about. I shouldn't be. Nothing has really changed duty wise and I was doing it regardless of the special shift or title. I was already being one of the more responsible solvers but I didn't so earlier because it'll challenge my friend denise's option to get hours. She has a full time job and is rarely there though and hates the hour change. So I could get Monday there again, after learning it doesn't matter where I am on Monday. It'll just be a Monday.
But whether they're there as well, is also questionable. I'm not trying to make the old days come back. I know things have changed. A lot. Yet a part of me wants to recreate it and see if it can be again. That's the old me, looking back while the "forward" part of me knows it wont and never will be. That I'm searching for something dead and gone and will never be again.
Like how I truly have no weekends anymore. Not now that I work Saturdays, which I hate but I've adapted and it's normal and expected now. I don't want to lose my friends though and I only really see them at work. We all got lots going on and other responsibilities, friends, family, etc... I've made hints of outside stuff but it never leads to anything.
Which just makes me look at my life and make me think I need to move on, to another job and all. That my place and time has ended somehow. yet, that's a complete challenge of its own. I haven't even considered metro caring and maybe leaving that behind to volunteer elsewhere. Also, I keep getting the message through signs that this is what I need, where I need to be, leaving some conclusion that this all will lead to something. Whatever that is. And I listen, quenching my inner desire for more on faith and trust, waiting patiently for whenever it'll show up even while doubting that it ever will.
I've been with amazon for a year. I've maintained gold since January and been getting 40 or more hours. I've gained a lot of friends and am recognized for my speed and problem solving, being that employee who goes beyond. All five stores "know" me, even different shifts. I've always found ways to get beyond new hires, them playing with hours, etc...
That doesn't mean that hasn't come with consequences though. I've distanced myself from Belmar, made myself look scarce. I'm not the only one though. Many other shoppers have done it. Many will continue to do so. I had to do so. I need to stay motivated by this tedious job, force myself to meet others, find some joys elsewhere, and most of all continue getting the hours I need to pay my bills. This leaves some of my friends alone so I've put some more effort into getting there.
I even became a problem solver and my first shift is tomorrow, which I'm nervous about. I shouldn't be. Nothing has really changed duty wise and I was doing it regardless of the special shift or title. I was already being one of the more responsible solvers but I didn't so earlier because it'll challenge my friend denise's option to get hours. She has a full time job and is rarely there though and hates the hour change. So I could get Monday there again, after learning it doesn't matter where I am on Monday. It'll just be a Monday.
But whether they're there as well, is also questionable. I'm not trying to make the old days come back. I know things have changed. A lot. Yet a part of me wants to recreate it and see if it can be again. That's the old me, looking back while the "forward" part of me knows it wont and never will be. That I'm searching for something dead and gone and will never be again.
Like how I truly have no weekends anymore. Not now that I work Saturdays, which I hate but I've adapted and it's normal and expected now. I don't want to lose my friends though and I only really see them at work. We all got lots going on and other responsibilities, friends, family, etc... I've made hints of outside stuff but it never leads to anything.
Which just makes me look at my life and make me think I need to move on, to another job and all. That my place and time has ended somehow. yet, that's a complete challenge of its own. I haven't even considered metro caring and maybe leaving that behind to volunteer elsewhere. Also, I keep getting the message through signs that this is what I need, where I need to be, leaving some conclusion that this all will lead to something. Whatever that is. And I listen, quenching my inner desire for more on faith and trust, waiting patiently for whenever it'll show up even while doubting that it ever will.