Hopeless
Although this feeling is hardly new, it is overwhelming. Nothing, not even cartoons or food taste good. I'm just depressed, objectively looking at things that are out of control. Everything I learned from psychology is being thought but self-pity and in-action will not easily budge. So I'm just gonna let it be and allow a new day break me out of it.
I mean, with the new year, all that talk of changes for 2019, resolutions, make 2018 the past... send a message. Self-reflection, however, isn't pretty. Especially when you are your own worst critic. I mean, it started with my lamentation over my roommate. She isn't bad but makes some really questionable "safety" decisions. She isn't good with locking doors, had the oven on for 8 hours when no one was here, and put a huge microwave in a small hallway I'd have tripped over if I hadn't turned on a light. My mom doesn't understand. She says, just talk to her. I rarely see her and yet when I do, she's tired and doesn't want to listen. I text, she ignores it and never replies. I give up. I want to be a good roommate, pay the bills but she can't even remember to place the bills in the kitchen for me to do so. So, I'm just not gonna try. She can give the bills whenever she wants my share, and if that is 3 months from now, that's on her. Not me.
I mean, the larger part of it is that I want to live alone but I can't. So it leads me back to my job, where I only work part-time and have to compete to get shifts from so many others. So I make myself overly available, so I can pay my bills and not touch my savings. Get stuck, again, in the survival mode. So I never have time or energy to even try applying for jobs. Heck, this is the first time I've been on a computer in 2 weeks? And by not doing that, I will never live alone. Never cease the stress of the competition. And the cycle will just continue.
Then I have to fit that in with my parents' needs. I worked with them so I could give them today. We could have really gone far with x-mas packing but my mom pushes my dad, says the wrong thing, he gets frustrated, and that's it. All my commitment and willingness is invisible. I see "limited", so I work to fulfill their needs, so it'll be done, accomplished, gone. My mom gives in, doesn't fight it, and I'm left as the scrap, who has to work with their schedules, yet again, changing mine and my priorities, so we can really "finish."
Of course, something new pops up because that's life, but still, before that happens, why can't we just finish this one thing to prepare for it? Yet, this is what they've done for 30 years in the marriage and it's never gonna change. I know they're older and can't do as much anymore but still, a little more could have been done. I'm giving MY TIME, working with tight responsibilities, so that TIME could be available and its taken for granted. So I repeat it and it only reinforces that cycle. My mom makes comments as to what I'm doing to change my job and life and asks why it's so hard to do so. So I suggest she look in the mirror because she's half the problem. Because I will never say no to helping her out. Because it's my parents, they're older, and any project is just too tough alone. It's what I was taught.
I mean, with the new year, all that talk of changes for 2019, resolutions, make 2018 the past... send a message. Self-reflection, however, isn't pretty. Especially when you are your own worst critic. I mean, it started with my lamentation over my roommate. She isn't bad but makes some really questionable "safety" decisions. She isn't good with locking doors, had the oven on for 8 hours when no one was here, and put a huge microwave in a small hallway I'd have tripped over if I hadn't turned on a light. My mom doesn't understand. She says, just talk to her. I rarely see her and yet when I do, she's tired and doesn't want to listen. I text, she ignores it and never replies. I give up. I want to be a good roommate, pay the bills but she can't even remember to place the bills in the kitchen for me to do so. So, I'm just not gonna try. She can give the bills whenever she wants my share, and if that is 3 months from now, that's on her. Not me.
I mean, the larger part of it is that I want to live alone but I can't. So it leads me back to my job, where I only work part-time and have to compete to get shifts from so many others. So I make myself overly available, so I can pay my bills and not touch my savings. Get stuck, again, in the survival mode. So I never have time or energy to even try applying for jobs. Heck, this is the first time I've been on a computer in 2 weeks? And by not doing that, I will never live alone. Never cease the stress of the competition. And the cycle will just continue.
Then I have to fit that in with my parents' needs. I worked with them so I could give them today. We could have really gone far with x-mas packing but my mom pushes my dad, says the wrong thing, he gets frustrated, and that's it. All my commitment and willingness is invisible. I see "limited", so I work to fulfill their needs, so it'll be done, accomplished, gone. My mom gives in, doesn't fight it, and I'm left as the scrap, who has to work with their schedules, yet again, changing mine and my priorities, so we can really "finish."
Of course, something new pops up because that's life, but still, before that happens, why can't we just finish this one thing to prepare for it? Yet, this is what they've done for 30 years in the marriage and it's never gonna change. I know they're older and can't do as much anymore but still, a little more could have been done. I'm giving MY TIME, working with tight responsibilities, so that TIME could be available and its taken for granted. So I repeat it and it only reinforces that cycle. My mom makes comments as to what I'm doing to change my job and life and asks why it's so hard to do so. So I suggest she look in the mirror because she's half the problem. Because I will never say no to helping her out. Because it's my parents, they're older, and any project is just too tough alone. It's what I was taught.