Endless cages
Yesterday, when I was projecting and analyzing my current financial information, as always, I got depressed. I try to keep positive. After all, I had a steady job this year and made more than I ever have in a year. I work part-time so it's not much but looking back when I was long-term unemployed with no prospects or purpose in life, there's a simple joy in that knowledge. I have also made progress with my loans. Nonetheless, there was little to celebrate upon my analysis. As always, I felt caged and desperate, trying to stretch that number into what I need it to be. Especially considering I need to think about my lack of future with the minimum wage increase. That I'm destined to be a victim than a recipient.
I thought maybe work would help. A distraction, new things to do and learn. So I turned into one of those short-term optimists who quickly found out, it was just a bunch of BS. (I naturally try not to be pessimistic as that is apparently a bad thing but again and again, I get proved being pessimistic is the natural expectation as every expectation for me gets destroyed). Things got kind of dicey at the end of last year between me and my supervisor but I decided that I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'll just say nothing and accept that everything I do is wrong and she is right all the time. Because fighting back just gets me into a no-win situation. Boy, I wish I didn't make that decision.
She had the best of intentions when she talked me about watching my hours but her way of helping and my time management is correcting every single thing I did and creating more and more ridiculous rules that my submissive personality just has to follow. So now I have a time Nazi on my back all the time reminding me of my precarious situation. She always was a control freak and micro-manager but now there's no freedom to do anything without her breathing behind my back. When the most "time" I can scratch off is a hour at most. How am I supposed to enjoy my work anymore? Well, it irritates me anyway but I always left satisfied but now I'm just plain miserable. And here's my other boss who is happy to remind me I need to find another job. Another cage. Yay.
I guess there is hope as I'm talking to Renzo again. He makes it sound so like I'm gonna get this fellowship and that'll get me out of here but inwardly I'm so disillusioned about it. I looked at my application and those words I wrote and while I still mean them, I just look like a naïve little girl wishing for a world that I'll never obtain. So what if I want it? The world just keeps reminding me that I rarely get what I want and I end up drifting afloat trying to figure out how to be happy with what I got. All the change I want to grab just keeps getting farther and farther away.
I thought maybe work would help. A distraction, new things to do and learn. So I turned into one of those short-term optimists who quickly found out, it was just a bunch of BS. (I naturally try not to be pessimistic as that is apparently a bad thing but again and again, I get proved being pessimistic is the natural expectation as every expectation for me gets destroyed). Things got kind of dicey at the end of last year between me and my supervisor but I decided that I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'll just say nothing and accept that everything I do is wrong and she is right all the time. Because fighting back just gets me into a no-win situation. Boy, I wish I didn't make that decision.
She had the best of intentions when she talked me about watching my hours but her way of helping and my time management is correcting every single thing I did and creating more and more ridiculous rules that my submissive personality just has to follow. So now I have a time Nazi on my back all the time reminding me of my precarious situation. She always was a control freak and micro-manager but now there's no freedom to do anything without her breathing behind my back. When the most "time" I can scratch off is a hour at most. How am I supposed to enjoy my work anymore? Well, it irritates me anyway but I always left satisfied but now I'm just plain miserable. And here's my other boss who is happy to remind me I need to find another job. Another cage. Yay.
I guess there is hope as I'm talking to Renzo again. He makes it sound so like I'm gonna get this fellowship and that'll get me out of here but inwardly I'm so disillusioned about it. I looked at my application and those words I wrote and while I still mean them, I just look like a naïve little girl wishing for a world that I'll never obtain. So what if I want it? The world just keeps reminding me that I rarely get what I want and I end up drifting afloat trying to figure out how to be happy with what I got. All the change I want to grab just keeps getting farther and farther away.