I can't believe it still hurts like this
Welllll..... I'm at work right now. "Work". And I'm having to listen to Skillet with headphones because some professor is using the spare room up here for his kid's birthday party. Ugh.... But I'm only working for an hour today, so that's good.
Well not much new is going on in my life. Working hard to get my life back into shape. I have 2 classes. One of them I really want to just drop because I'm not going to need it anyway. And it's a 300 level class. Was only taking it for Music Therapy, but now that I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to do that anymore, I don't see the point other than to just have more hours for this semester. But I'm already below full time, so why keep it? I don't know. Oh well. I still go. But my other class is psychology. And I love it. We had a test on Thursday. I actually started studying for it on Tuesday. So I hope I did well. That class makes me happy.
Counseling is going ok. Last week was my first real "lets sit down and work on some of these problems" session. Since the first 2 were just screenings kind of. But yeah, it was so emotionally draining. I actually felt exhausted after. And I didn't even cry or even get really sad at all. I just had to really open up and take a good look at all the crap that's gone on in my life. He had me open some doors that had been closed for a very long time. And I actually am not happy about that. Because now I keep thinking about my past. It's like my mind has gone from worrying about recent events to remembering all that from back then. And I can't sleep at night. Kind of sucks. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get fixed in time.
I told my mom about the depression and the counseling. She didn't seem to have any particular emotion towards it all. And I guess that's ok. I'm not really sure what I was expecting her to feel. As far as I know, I'm the first person in my family to get this bad. I had to tell her because I had to ask for money to pay for anti-depressants. She was really concerned about me getting addicted to them. So I'm supposed to talk to my guy about exactly when I stop taking them. I don't even have them yet. That's what we're going to talk about next Wednesday. At least maybe we won't talk about my past.
Oh! Just remembered. My counselor told me that some researchers have found that a lot of people who have IBS have had a traumatic experience in their past. Some think there's a tie there. That's pretty cool. So pretty much I can blame that past stuff on most of the things that are wrong with my brain AND my digestive system. Haha!
So, I'm working on getting a friendship back with Landon. I'm not mad anymore. I talked about it with my counselor. Realized I was using him, too. Just in a different way. So I'm working on just hanging out with him again. Hard thing is, Melissa and Kayla still hate him I think. So last night was the first time me and him hung out in a long time. We watched a basketball game and then we watched White Oleander. It was nice. I know I need him. I think he needs me too. I mean, we were eachother's best friend here at school. I want that back. I want to try to help him as much as I can. And he helps me just by making me smile. And that's more than enough.
Tonight I'm going to some bar downtown with Melissa and Kayla. Some band is playing there, so we're going to watch them play. I just hope Melissa doesn't kill the fun. Apparently her and Grant killed the fun for Kayla last year when they went. I need a night out having fun.
I wish depression had a quick fix. I'm so sick of being like this! And it's so frustrating when I can't make myself happy. At least I have happy moments. I'm not one of those people that are never happy. At least not anymore. So that's good. I live for those moments when I smile and laugh. I just want to go back to the way I was. I wasn't perfect, but I was a hell of a lot better than I am now.
Well not much new is going on in my life. Working hard to get my life back into shape. I have 2 classes. One of them I really want to just drop because I'm not going to need it anyway. And it's a 300 level class. Was only taking it for Music Therapy, but now that I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to do that anymore, I don't see the point other than to just have more hours for this semester. But I'm already below full time, so why keep it? I don't know. Oh well. I still go. But my other class is psychology. And I love it. We had a test on Thursday. I actually started studying for it on Tuesday. So I hope I did well. That class makes me happy.
Counseling is going ok. Last week was my first real "lets sit down and work on some of these problems" session. Since the first 2 were just screenings kind of. But yeah, it was so emotionally draining. I actually felt exhausted after. And I didn't even cry or even get really sad at all. I just had to really open up and take a good look at all the crap that's gone on in my life. He had me open some doors that had been closed for a very long time. And I actually am not happy about that. Because now I keep thinking about my past. It's like my mind has gone from worrying about recent events to remembering all that from back then. And I can't sleep at night. Kind of sucks. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get fixed in time.
I told my mom about the depression and the counseling. She didn't seem to have any particular emotion towards it all. And I guess that's ok. I'm not really sure what I was expecting her to feel. As far as I know, I'm the first person in my family to get this bad. I had to tell her because I had to ask for money to pay for anti-depressants. She was really concerned about me getting addicted to them. So I'm supposed to talk to my guy about exactly when I stop taking them. I don't even have them yet. That's what we're going to talk about next Wednesday. At least maybe we won't talk about my past.
Oh! Just remembered. My counselor told me that some researchers have found that a lot of people who have IBS have had a traumatic experience in their past. Some think there's a tie there. That's pretty cool. So pretty much I can blame that past stuff on most of the things that are wrong with my brain AND my digestive system. Haha!
So, I'm working on getting a friendship back with Landon. I'm not mad anymore. I talked about it with my counselor. Realized I was using him, too. Just in a different way. So I'm working on just hanging out with him again. Hard thing is, Melissa and Kayla still hate him I think. So last night was the first time me and him hung out in a long time. We watched a basketball game and then we watched White Oleander. It was nice. I know I need him. I think he needs me too. I mean, we were eachother's best friend here at school. I want that back. I want to try to help him as much as I can. And he helps me just by making me smile. And that's more than enough.
Tonight I'm going to some bar downtown with Melissa and Kayla. Some band is playing there, so we're going to watch them play. I just hope Melissa doesn't kill the fun. Apparently her and Grant killed the fun for Kayla last year when they went. I need a night out having fun.
I wish depression had a quick fix. I'm so sick of being like this! And it's so frustrating when I can't make myself happy. At least I have happy moments. I'm not one of those people that are never happy. At least not anymore. So that's good. I live for those moments when I smile and laugh. I just want to go back to the way I was. I wasn't perfect, but I was a hell of a lot better than I am now.