A Woman's Worth
Yesterday I finished a report I had no interest in doing because I really am NOT that interested in theories of Politics or the science of it. I know enough to not be an idiot and know about MY country... which is what's important. For example, last week, we had a midterm and I studied maybe 15 mins and skimmed through chapters 1-5 of the book. Horrible, I know, but I passed with a C+ and only .5 pts away from getting a B- so I was pretty pleased. As I was discussing government policies with James and how confused I was trying to compare Socialism to Totalitarianism and I was blabbering, James kissed my head and said I was much smarter than I thought. Which I thought was cute mostly because I was 2 glasses deep in White Zinfandel.
Also, my company sucks.
They have decided that there will be no Christmas bonuses, this after being forced to take off a total of 4 days of unpaid days off during the holiday. Since I just started working here in February, and having had taken days off for Texas, car and personal stuffs etc., I have enough to cover 3 days, so I will probably be taking off a day without pay. One day hurts pretty bad, its almost $200 less for my paycheck. On the upside, gas is getting cheaper. LOL
Yesterday I woke up pretty early to further spoil the boyfriend.
The night before, I had a moment of stress cooking, so that meant I prepared dough and left it in the fridge to rise over night. I woke up the next morning early to pre-heat the oven, knead the dough a bit more, mold it into nice little bundles and stuck them in the oven. What came out of the oven was a bit of heaven. As I was leaving the apartment to go to work, I made James a cup of coffee and put the butter on the counter. When I arrived home from work, I made him steak, potatoes and corn.... he's got it pretty good LOL
I'm looking forward to going home today. He told me when I get home there will be good surprises.
I like good surprises. He also said he would take me to go see Role Models which should be fun. :) I came home yesterday from work and he hugged and kissed me and wouldn't let me go, it feels amazing coming home to that. He'll grab me by the back of my neck, hold me by my lower back with the other and lean me back for a 'dramatic' tango like kiss and it cracks us both up every time he does it because I am a clumsy woman and I almost fall every single time. It feels nice to be with someone who isn't afraid to show just how much he loves me; someone who puts me first. When I dated Fausto we were young, high school puppy love and it was sweet. That relationship prepared me for future encounters. I learned to trust, but to be weary as well and I felt what heart break was really like. Dating Arthur was a great learning experience, I learned that although I had been hurt before, I could love again with all my heart and that I didn't have to hold back. I really flourished as a person in this relationship and I knew what it was like to be selfless. I gave him everything I possibly could; I put a lot of energy, time, care and love into that relationship seeing as it was the longest I had ever been in and was almost sure it would be the last. It obviously didn't end like I had imagined, but it finally hit a point where I knew I couldn't fix anything and I was out of energy. The sad part there was that I wasn't entirely heart broken when it finally ended because I had already been heartbroken weeks before it happened. What made me happy was the peaceful feeling that I knew I did everything in my power and I knew I was going to be ok.
When I finally started getting to know James, it was just really natural. I never felt like he was a stranger and I half expected him to hold back a lot seeing as he didn't really know me, but he didn't. I think it hit me in August of last year that I was starting to take a liking to James, and when he finally came to CA in September to visit me, it was instant. As soon as I walked into LAX it was as if I was greeting an old friend whom I had the hots for but never told him LOL I think he knew I was really into him and I knew what he meant with "I just need to be there to know" that it was there, but we both knew physical chemistry was our big concern. It wasn't about the looks, we both knew what we looked like and he'd compliment me; it was about hanging out and knowing if we really got along or we were just badasses online who knew how to hold an awesome conversation. James is really hard to explain; he's just as affectionate as I am and I never thought there was anyone as mushy as me. I was for a long time convinced I wasn't good enough to really be taken seriously, that I wasn't attractive and that I wasn't worthy of an actual commitment. I knew I was a good girlfriend, but I never felt like it, not until now. It is really different (in a good way obviously lol) to be with someone who focuses on my good qualities rather than try to tell me what I need to work on. I asked him the other night what my fault was as a woman (we were discussing the co-dependency, lack of education/profession, materialistic, immaturity of some women) and he gave me a funny look and said "What? I never stop to think about that about you, so I dunno" and I thought it was cute and I called him a kiss ass then we both laughed. It feels great to know my SO finds me amazing; that he not only thinks I'm incredibly smart but beautiful and doesn't think my sexual drive is a mental disease. LOL Seriously, I was almost convinced I was some weird sex addict who needed to be put on medication.
In my previous relationships, I never felt I was good enough for them, even though I would be told by others that it seemed I wasn't getting what I should in return; that I was giving more than I was receiving, but it always felt like it was me who wasn't doing enough. This is partly my 'must excel and be great at everything I do' ego that got in the way, but a lot of emotions weren't returned, so I always felt that I wasn't possibly good enough.
I know there's a different light to me now and I shine brighter. I became a much better person because of James and I have that to thank him. It isn't one of those 'she's validating herself through a man' because I've always been the way I am regardless of whom I've dated. I've always excelled as a person, been independent, pushed myself to do better.... it didn't take a man to do that, but it took feeling what it was like to be accepted as ME as a partner to appreciate this relationship on a whole new level.
I asked him yesterday if I make him feel like a better person and he looked at me and said "yeah" and it sounded so sincere and I smiled at him. :)
I'm pretty swamped in work to be on here analyzing my previous romantic involvements, so I shall finish up this busy Friday work day. I need to go pick up more birth control pills. Also, hiking this weekend... probably one in Irvine that looks do-able. I just want to get fresh air and a good work out :)
Also, my company sucks.
They have decided that there will be no Christmas bonuses, this after being forced to take off a total of 4 days of unpaid days off during the holiday. Since I just started working here in February, and having had taken days off for Texas, car and personal stuffs etc., I have enough to cover 3 days, so I will probably be taking off a day without pay. One day hurts pretty bad, its almost $200 less for my paycheck. On the upside, gas is getting cheaper. LOL
Yesterday I woke up pretty early to further spoil the boyfriend.
The night before, I had a moment of stress cooking, so that meant I prepared dough and left it in the fridge to rise over night. I woke up the next morning early to pre-heat the oven, knead the dough a bit more, mold it into nice little bundles and stuck them in the oven. What came out of the oven was a bit of heaven. As I was leaving the apartment to go to work, I made James a cup of coffee and put the butter on the counter. When I arrived home from work, I made him steak, potatoes and corn.... he's got it pretty good LOL
I'm looking forward to going home today. He told me when I get home there will be good surprises.
I like good surprises. He also said he would take me to go see Role Models which should be fun. :) I came home yesterday from work and he hugged and kissed me and wouldn't let me go, it feels amazing coming home to that. He'll grab me by the back of my neck, hold me by my lower back with the other and lean me back for a 'dramatic' tango like kiss and it cracks us both up every time he does it because I am a clumsy woman and I almost fall every single time. It feels nice to be with someone who isn't afraid to show just how much he loves me; someone who puts me first. When I dated Fausto we were young, high school puppy love and it was sweet. That relationship prepared me for future encounters. I learned to trust, but to be weary as well and I felt what heart break was really like. Dating Arthur was a great learning experience, I learned that although I had been hurt before, I could love again with all my heart and that I didn't have to hold back. I really flourished as a person in this relationship and I knew what it was like to be selfless. I gave him everything I possibly could; I put a lot of energy, time, care and love into that relationship seeing as it was the longest I had ever been in and was almost sure it would be the last. It obviously didn't end like I had imagined, but it finally hit a point where I knew I couldn't fix anything and I was out of energy. The sad part there was that I wasn't entirely heart broken when it finally ended because I had already been heartbroken weeks before it happened. What made me happy was the peaceful feeling that I knew I did everything in my power and I knew I was going to be ok.
When I finally started getting to know James, it was just really natural. I never felt like he was a stranger and I half expected him to hold back a lot seeing as he didn't really know me, but he didn't. I think it hit me in August of last year that I was starting to take a liking to James, and when he finally came to CA in September to visit me, it was instant. As soon as I walked into LAX it was as if I was greeting an old friend whom I had the hots for but never told him LOL I think he knew I was really into him and I knew what he meant with "I just need to be there to know" that it was there, but we both knew physical chemistry was our big concern. It wasn't about the looks, we both knew what we looked like and he'd compliment me; it was about hanging out and knowing if we really got along or we were just badasses online who knew how to hold an awesome conversation. James is really hard to explain; he's just as affectionate as I am and I never thought there was anyone as mushy as me. I was for a long time convinced I wasn't good enough to really be taken seriously, that I wasn't attractive and that I wasn't worthy of an actual commitment. I knew I was a good girlfriend, but I never felt like it, not until now. It is really different (in a good way obviously lol) to be with someone who focuses on my good qualities rather than try to tell me what I need to work on. I asked him the other night what my fault was as a woman (we were discussing the co-dependency, lack of education/profession, materialistic, immaturity of some women) and he gave me a funny look and said "What? I never stop to think about that about you, so I dunno" and I thought it was cute and I called him a kiss ass then we both laughed. It feels great to know my SO finds me amazing; that he not only thinks I'm incredibly smart but beautiful and doesn't think my sexual drive is a mental disease. LOL Seriously, I was almost convinced I was some weird sex addict who needed to be put on medication.
In my previous relationships, I never felt I was good enough for them, even though I would be told by others that it seemed I wasn't getting what I should in return; that I was giving more than I was receiving, but it always felt like it was me who wasn't doing enough. This is partly my 'must excel and be great at everything I do' ego that got in the way, but a lot of emotions weren't returned, so I always felt that I wasn't possibly good enough.
I know there's a different light to me now and I shine brighter. I became a much better person because of James and I have that to thank him. It isn't one of those 'she's validating herself through a man' because I've always been the way I am regardless of whom I've dated. I've always excelled as a person, been independent, pushed myself to do better.... it didn't take a man to do that, but it took feeling what it was like to be accepted as ME as a partner to appreciate this relationship on a whole new level.
I asked him yesterday if I make him feel like a better person and he looked at me and said "yeah" and it sounded so sincere and I smiled at him. :)
I'm pretty swamped in work to be on here analyzing my previous romantic involvements, so I shall finish up this busy Friday work day. I need to go pick up more birth control pills. Also, hiking this weekend... probably one in Irvine that looks do-able. I just want to get fresh air and a good work out :)