WARNING: This is not an emo test... it's real life
So I went to bed with the last words coming from James, we chatted before I went to bed at 4am where Leslie had already beat me to it.
Knotts Halloween Haunt was pretty cool overall. WAY too crowded if you ask me. Our group of 13 was quickly taken down to a group of 9 but fun none-the-less. Cookie, my BFF was my date, but when our favorite gay guy Steve showed up, it kinda made it into a group date of 3 :P Leslie and I were both latching on to him, and I think he was ok with it because he was just as scared. Did some good mazes... one ghoul asked me cookies name, and I complied, I told her that her name was Leslie so she literally started screaming out her name and chased her out of the maze. It was hilarious. Sorry batch, I ratted you out. :P We went to Denny's where I was chatting on my phone with James, he suggested breakfast, so I ordered breakfast :)
So here is where the headache begins.
My phone is ringing at 10am, 1.5hrs after I had re-fallen asleep from saying bye to Leslie this morning. Then it rings again at 11am. Finally at 11:30am when it rings for the third annoying time, I answer it half asleep. Its not pleasant when the first thing to hear in the morning are the spanish words equivalent to "Why the fuck don't you answer your goddamn phone when I call you!?!" So once I realize it's my mother, I get this 'oh great' feeling over me, Because A.) She's upset B.) She's screaming C.) It's probably not good news. That really should be enough to get me in a bad mood, especially the screaming. Me and screaming aren't friends, I hate raising my voice and I loathe people yelling at me. After I put away the initial "WTF" I tell her I was sleeping, and she starts asking me for the registration to my old pontiac that sits in their garage. Someone wants to buy it, last I remember, I put it all with the pink slip and the information of the car. She's telling me its not there, I tell her I don't have it, this I know for sure. She keeps asking me like a cop, waiting for my answer to change. I keep telling her I do not have it; annoyed as all hell, I raised my voice when she started yelling, I asked her to please not yell, that it was becoming annoying, and she got upset and threw the new facts she had on my dog in my face. "Well, if you were here, I wouldn't need to be screaming through the phone and your dog woudln't be suffering."
OK. Now I know Mothers mean well, and we only have one in our life, so we're to treasure them for who they are. My mother can be a bitch, yes, we all know this, but I respect and love her regardless. Why? Because I am a damn good person because of her. If there's anything she's taught me, is to be strong and to strive for the best. I'm not where I am without some pushing from her, and all the pain she caused me did not kill me, it made me stronger. Cliche, but oh so very true. Ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm rock solid, I'm a strong woman and I've dealt with many things in my 24 year life span.
After the initial heart-feeling-heavy-world-closing-in feeling of the mention of my dog suffering I ask "what are you talking about?" and she tells me that our family Vet took a look at him, said the tumor is far too large to be operated on a 12 year old dog. At this point the operation runs me $3K and a risk that he'll die due to his age and procedure. OR to let the tumor keep growing until it blocks his digestive tract and he dies of being full of feces. Both regardless... bad ways to go out. So I try not to let my voice show that I'm completely terrified I tell her I don't know what to do... and she's yelling at me and telling me I should've done something about it a year ago. A year ago, the vet told me it wasn't going to be a problem, that it wouldn't grow too much to cause problems. So if it wasn't an issue, I didn't want my dog to be put through expensive torturous operations, and at that point, I had already spent in $400 in tests and medication. Now, she's making me feel guilty for not doing it a year ago. Her "You should've done this last year and your dog wouldn't have this problem today and he wouldn't be suffering!" was hurtful and stung like someone had pierced my heart.
Most people don't understand my relationship with my dog. Sure, he's just a dog and an animal, but he's all I've known of 12 years of unconditional love.
Its like being in a happy 12 year relationship and then having your significant other tell you he's leaving and you can't do anything about it.
It hurts that bad.
Now, I'm faced with, what should I do?
I don't have the $3K to begin with, and do I want to risk having him die from an operation? Let him get to the point where it kills him, which might be too much pain. Or put him to sleep. Typing that out, just made me start crying...
This is Shadow, my 12 year old chihuahua... anyone who knows me, knows this dog is my life. He's been my faithful cuddle buddy for 12 years. Its heart wrenching right now and I feel the need to climb into bed, cry and just not move for countless hours.
Instead, I will have to go take a shower, head to my parents, put on a fake smile, be with my sister for her birthday weekend festivities and act like my world isn't colliding inside.
I could use a hug and some words of reassurance.
Knotts Halloween Haunt was pretty cool overall. WAY too crowded if you ask me. Our group of 13 was quickly taken down to a group of 9 but fun none-the-less. Cookie, my BFF was my date, but when our favorite gay guy Steve showed up, it kinda made it into a group date of 3 :P Leslie and I were both latching on to him, and I think he was ok with it because he was just as scared. Did some good mazes... one ghoul asked me cookies name, and I complied, I told her that her name was Leslie so she literally started screaming out her name and chased her out of the maze. It was hilarious. Sorry batch, I ratted you out. :P We went to Denny's where I was chatting on my phone with James, he suggested breakfast, so I ordered breakfast :)
So here is where the headache begins.
My phone is ringing at 10am, 1.5hrs after I had re-fallen asleep from saying bye to Leslie this morning. Then it rings again at 11am. Finally at 11:30am when it rings for the third annoying time, I answer it half asleep. Its not pleasant when the first thing to hear in the morning are the spanish words equivalent to "Why the fuck don't you answer your goddamn phone when I call you!?!" So once I realize it's my mother, I get this 'oh great' feeling over me, Because A.) She's upset B.) She's screaming C.) It's probably not good news. That really should be enough to get me in a bad mood, especially the screaming. Me and screaming aren't friends, I hate raising my voice and I loathe people yelling at me. After I put away the initial "WTF" I tell her I was sleeping, and she starts asking me for the registration to my old pontiac that sits in their garage. Someone wants to buy it, last I remember, I put it all with the pink slip and the information of the car. She's telling me its not there, I tell her I don't have it, this I know for sure. She keeps asking me like a cop, waiting for my answer to change. I keep telling her I do not have it; annoyed as all hell, I raised my voice when she started yelling, I asked her to please not yell, that it was becoming annoying, and she got upset and threw the new facts she had on my dog in my face. "Well, if you were here, I wouldn't need to be screaming through the phone and your dog woudln't be suffering."
OK. Now I know Mothers mean well, and we only have one in our life, so we're to treasure them for who they are. My mother can be a bitch, yes, we all know this, but I respect and love her regardless. Why? Because I am a damn good person because of her. If there's anything she's taught me, is to be strong and to strive for the best. I'm not where I am without some pushing from her, and all the pain she caused me did not kill me, it made me stronger. Cliche, but oh so very true. Ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm rock solid, I'm a strong woman and I've dealt with many things in my 24 year life span.
After the initial heart-feeling-heavy-world-closing-in feeling of the mention of my dog suffering I ask "what are you talking about?" and she tells me that our family Vet took a look at him, said the tumor is far too large to be operated on a 12 year old dog. At this point the operation runs me $3K and a risk that he'll die due to his age and procedure. OR to let the tumor keep growing until it blocks his digestive tract and he dies of being full of feces. Both regardless... bad ways to go out. So I try not to let my voice show that I'm completely terrified I tell her I don't know what to do... and she's yelling at me and telling me I should've done something about it a year ago. A year ago, the vet told me it wasn't going to be a problem, that it wouldn't grow too much to cause problems. So if it wasn't an issue, I didn't want my dog to be put through expensive torturous operations, and at that point, I had already spent in $400 in tests and medication. Now, she's making me feel guilty for not doing it a year ago. Her "You should've done this last year and your dog wouldn't have this problem today and he wouldn't be suffering!" was hurtful and stung like someone had pierced my heart.
Most people don't understand my relationship with my dog. Sure, he's just a dog and an animal, but he's all I've known of 12 years of unconditional love.
Its like being in a happy 12 year relationship and then having your significant other tell you he's leaving and you can't do anything about it.
It hurts that bad.
Now, I'm faced with, what should I do?
I don't have the $3K to begin with, and do I want to risk having him die from an operation? Let him get to the point where it kills him, which might be too much pain. Or put him to sleep. Typing that out, just made me start crying...
This is Shadow, my 12 year old chihuahua... anyone who knows me, knows this dog is my life. He's been my faithful cuddle buddy for 12 years. Its heart wrenching right now and I feel the need to climb into bed, cry and just not move for countless hours.
Instead, I will have to go take a shower, head to my parents, put on a fake smile, be with my sister for her birthday weekend festivities and act like my world isn't colliding inside.
I could use a hug and some words of reassurance.