Lots of venting. Beware.
i need to vent. this is probably gonna piss off some people, and i apologize ahead of time if it does, but i honestly dont care at the moment. i am so fed up with everything, and more stressed out than i ever have been before. im past the point of crying, instead i just get sick and feel even more terrible.
I'm SO sick of people using me. or ditching me. i put so much effort into the relationships i have with people [or maybe i just suck at life] and it gets me nowhere. i bent over backwards and did all that i personally could to help a close friend out, but apparently im not good enough because "i dont care" about them. what the hell?! how does that even make any sense?? i dont think ill ever figure it out. and telling this person that i was sick of them throwing everything back in my face just made it alot worse, and we dont even speak anymore. thats how fucking awesome i am. so i guess the moral to that story is: Never tell people how you feel.
I'm also sick of people pretending they care more about me than they actually do. i dont know if its out of pity or to make them feel better about themselves, but either way it hurts, its exhausting, and im tired of it. maybe im just not good when it comes to judging people. im naive, and ill confess to that. im sick of the mind games, im sick of being put down infront of other people just so you can make yourself look better, im sick of petty little cat-and-mouse games, im sick of being put in the middle of situations that have nothing to do with me. im all for listening to ANYONE any time they need to talk, and i hope all of you know that, but please dont make me choose sides. im sorry if i have ever done this to any of you, and if i have it was just me venting just to see if i could make sense of certain situations, not to turn anyone against anyone else.
im sick of fighting. some would say that its not worth it if its not worth fighting for, but what the hell am i actually fighting for anyway? im drained from the fights and arguements. i really feel torn, lost, and have no idea what to do. i really want to just disappear. i know that doesnt solve anything, and perhaps that makes me a coward, but so be it. im not strong, and obviously not very smart, but at least i can admit to it. im sick and tired of being so sick and tired. it feels like everything is falling apart. this time off was supposed to be relaxing, and put things into perspective for me. which, i guess it has in some way or another. but i seem to be finding myself thinking more about things that i didnt think i would have to even worry about.
it also pisses me off that im made to feel that i hold people back from doing things. that really is NOT me at all, i would never do that to anyone. and if a simple phone call is too much to ask for, then i must really be that fucking awesome. thanks for caring. it seems that im finding out more and more everyday who i can really call friends, and who's just around for the sake of being around. some people are just gluttons for punishment, and really love the drama. its also super cool when people i truly care about just stop talking to me completely without reason or explaination because of what their "other half" [or "halves" ] are saying. whatever. ill move on but you have to live the rest of your life being manipulated, and for that i pity you. good luck with that.
thank you for caring. ill remember that. so inconsiderate and it fucking kills me like you wouldnt believe. [what am i doing?]
and fuck work, too. i dont know why i continue to care so much about a place that thrives on screwing people over, and creating problems just because they're bored. im so burnt out on that place its ridiculous, but its bittersweet cuz i just cant seem to leave. guess that makes me an idiot. ive become too comfortable there, and dont like the idea of having to leave to be able to build up that comfort level somewhere else. also, i highly doubt its much different anywhere else, so whats the point? i just dont get it. again, im naive.
i hate feeling like im not good enough for anyone or anything. im sick of struggling and im terrified that it will never end. whether its internal or not, i cant stand it and my stomach is in knots every day because of it.
why do i care so much? apparently we both want different things, and ive been considerate of what you want and tried to make you happy, but obviously its not good enough. i dont want to keep you from doing anything you want to do, but in return i must ask for the same from you.
i honestly think im going insane. either that or there is something seriously wrong with me, and i should probably seek help. i fight with myself constantly and keep thinking and talking myself in circles. it makes me second guess everything and i cant stand it. im not doing anything right. i dont know how to fix it though, because as soon as i think im doing whats right, something or someone shoots me down and proves me wrong. what the fuck is wrong with me?
i wish i knew what i was doing. more than anything in the world. i dont think that's ever going to happen.
on a lighter side, its great to be home. well, for the most part. there are issues here that i think i was running from by moving so far away, and they'll never be resolved. the running away from them thing seemed to work though. at least a little bit anyway. [told you i was a coward]
ive seen alot of people so far, and its been very refreshing. 2 weeks doesnt seem long enough, but at the same time it seems like i left florida months ago. i dunno...
saw both Amanda and Mike today, which was really awesome. its always a good time hanging out. especially since there is limited time to spend before we go our seperate ways [for the summer at least.] Mike and i saw "Over the Hedge" tonight, which was surprisingly really funny. i enjoyed it. "wicked cool" ;)
ive spent a lot of time with jessi and blaise. she seems to be doing well, and still hasnt had the new baby yet. hopefully ill be here for that. i honestly want to stay here and help her out, but i dont want to intrude and feel unwanted anyway. Blaise is an amazing little boy, and smart as hell. i could only dream of being half of what jessi is. i love them both so much.
well i guess im done. i know alot of this wont make any sense to anyone who reads this, and thats okay by me. i just needed to get some stuff out, for my own good. and again, if i offended anyone or pissed anyone off, im sorry. that wasnt my intention, i just feel lower than dirt right now and needed to vent before i exploded. or imploded. neither of which seemed very appealing to me. if anyone did actually read this, thank you, and sorry for wasting so much of your time.
good night.