so...
so i'm back at my dad's. which of course means more introspection. which is good. yesterday i was feeling totally depressed. i told my dad i was going over to starbucks by myself. he was like "wait up i'll come with you". so we went over together. it was nice we were able to talk. i told him how i felt bad about ben, coz i had treated him so poorly. and how i didn't even realize it until like last monday. then thursday night how bryan and i had already been having all these trivial fights and i felt like i just ended that and the last thing i needed was more of it. i know bryan like me a lot and that's great but honestly i can't get involved with that drug scene again and i'm telling him that now rather than later coz it's better that way. also there's ben. i can't get him out of my head. i go back and forth but this time within myself, which is the right way to do it.
i had a dream the other night that i was on the beach with ben. we were sitting there and we had our kids off playing by the water. ben's body was really toned as was mine, lol, and i looked at him and he smiled at me and we just started kissing coz we were so happy. i woke up and i just started crying. i talked to my dad about that too. but in reality i need to take time to focus on me. not ben or bryan. it's been SO hard not to call ben or IM him. i really do love that boy so much. but i have promised myself that i wouldn't mess with him anymore. i have done enough damage. i will be cordgial with him and probably secretly still want him, but i'm never ever going to say it to him. because i fucked that up and now i have to live with that and move on.
this entry may sound sad, but it's really not meant to be. it's more just stating what's been going on in my head. i'm not sad about it, i'm just realizing things i guess. it's becoming clear. i've been reading a lot. I started reading The Plot Against America by Philip Roth amazing book, i can't put it down! Philip Roth is without a doubt one of the best authors you will find and you should definitely definitely read any book by him. After this I have a bunch of books in my room waiting to be read, so I guess this shall be the week of pleasure reading. :-)
P.S. I wrote this in Uruz_422 but i dunno i really don't like the whole switching journals thing. i dunno i'm gonna keep that one but still primarily write in here. I think that one will be just for like broad more philosophical things.
i had a dream the other night that i was on the beach with ben. we were sitting there and we had our kids off playing by the water. ben's body was really toned as was mine, lol, and i looked at him and he smiled at me and we just started kissing coz we were so happy. i woke up and i just started crying. i talked to my dad about that too. but in reality i need to take time to focus on me. not ben or bryan. it's been SO hard not to call ben or IM him. i really do love that boy so much. but i have promised myself that i wouldn't mess with him anymore. i have done enough damage. i will be cordgial with him and probably secretly still want him, but i'm never ever going to say it to him. because i fucked that up and now i have to live with that and move on.
this entry may sound sad, but it's really not meant to be. it's more just stating what's been going on in my head. i'm not sad about it, i'm just realizing things i guess. it's becoming clear. i've been reading a lot. I started reading The Plot Against America by Philip Roth amazing book, i can't put it down! Philip Roth is without a doubt one of the best authors you will find and you should definitely definitely read any book by him. After this I have a bunch of books in my room waiting to be read, so I guess this shall be the week of pleasure reading. :-)
P.S. I wrote this in Uruz_422 but i dunno i really don't like the whole switching journals thing. i dunno i'm gonna keep that one but still primarily write in here. I think that one will be just for like broad more philosophical things.