what would an angel say? the devil wants to know...
wow, so it's been a while. lol, four days, but hey that's a while to me. i read through the lj entries and caught up a bit. glad to see everyone's still bitching and moaning. lol. But getting out of this house and just enjoying myself, not being on this computer or any computer for a solid four days straight has been amazing. Working out a lot and eatting healthy has felt great as well. Also having Ryan (not Ryan from Purchase incase u guys get confused) give me the harder truth was such an awakening. Ya kno what I realized? I realized that as much as I like my friends at Purchase there's always been some element missing. The element was truth. Nina and Jess are my closest friend at Purchase (and you know I love you guys) but they will tell me anything to make sure I'm happy. Which is very sweet but sometimes not very helpful to a person developing. I know I'm often seen as the bitch at Purchase because I say things as I see them, but that's called honesty folks. And the harder the truth to tell the truer the friend that tells it. After a year of petty fights with Ed, Anne, Ben, Robbie, and even recently a drunken phone call from Brittany saying "Evan you are the ugliest gay man I ever met. You will rot in hell for all eternity." My defenses were up more than ever. But this week starting Sunday with my aunt, that night with Laura, monday with my dad, tuesday with ryan, and wednesday with Dan I got to explore some stuff and figure out where I went wrong. What I did that was out of hand and also why I was hurting and therefore hurting others.
i now realize i do play head games. i go back and forth and i sweet talk people. it's wrong. i despise it in other people, probably because i see it in myself. i stopped caring about true love this year because i let lust control my actions and emotions. that's gross. i don't like that at all. these past two months i have been horrible to ben. going back and forth "i love you" "i need space" etc. it wasn't fair and it wasn't right and therefore i completely understand his anger towards me. i blew a really good thing. i never had anyone so devoted to me and so unconditionally love me in my life and i threw it away. i also emotionally beat up ben in the process of it. i am sad that what happened, happened but at the same time i am glad that i found myself again. i hung out with dan yesterday who is unkempt, likes to wear the same shirts, but is so funny and easy going that he's adorable and i realized "wow i have always been in love with this kid for his personality, why did that all fade last year." 2004 i forgot what i had learned in 2002-2003 that love is something that adds to the person you already are, it complements it. there is no need to discard someone when something's going wrong, work on it. and probably most importantly what you give out is what you get. if you want something give it away.
i don't expect ben and i to get back together or anything. i wouldn't dare ask that of him. but i do realize that all the times he said "it's your loss" he was right. it is my loss. but now i am taking responsibility for my end of the damage. i gave him a broken heart and therefore i get it in return. but i plan to take this time to get things on track. because i believe 2005 can be and will be an amazing year in all areas of life. i hope ben finds the happiness he truly deserves and i hope i can add to that hopefully as a friend if that's all i can. i also hope that everyone finds true happiness this year.
ya know i watched this independent film documentry yesterday. it spoke of an experiment done on water that when labeled with things like "chi of love" and "i am beautiful" the water molecules under the microscope became these beautiful snowflake like molecules. on a bottle of water where he wrote "i hate you, i wish you would die" the molecules became these disgusting misfigured yellowish things. Think about it, if we're 90% water imagine what our own thoughts do to us everyday. It also discussed how what we perceive as real, as in material, physical things, are not real. it all relates to quantum physics. but in the only reality is what's within. i know it's a hard concept to accept and you'll probably just brush it off. but it is scientifically proven that are reality is all perceived by our brain and not by the things external to us. therefore we make reality what ever we want it to be. that's powerful. each person in themselves in a god or goddess and you make this entire planet what you want it to be, but you do effect others. it's up to you how. they also talked of how they had this group mediation in washington d.c. considered the crime capital of the world and they had people from all over the world (4,000 in all) come and meditate in washington d.c. for a period of months. the crime rate fell 25% which the police department thought would be next to impossible to do, but the FBI was sponsoring the study as well and it's true. It's amazing how what you give out truly effects everything else. okay i'm done just something to keep in mind. i love you all.
i now realize i do play head games. i go back and forth and i sweet talk people. it's wrong. i despise it in other people, probably because i see it in myself. i stopped caring about true love this year because i let lust control my actions and emotions. that's gross. i don't like that at all. these past two months i have been horrible to ben. going back and forth "i love you" "i need space" etc. it wasn't fair and it wasn't right and therefore i completely understand his anger towards me. i blew a really good thing. i never had anyone so devoted to me and so unconditionally love me in my life and i threw it away. i also emotionally beat up ben in the process of it. i am sad that what happened, happened but at the same time i am glad that i found myself again. i hung out with dan yesterday who is unkempt, likes to wear the same shirts, but is so funny and easy going that he's adorable and i realized "wow i have always been in love with this kid for his personality, why did that all fade last year." 2004 i forgot what i had learned in 2002-2003 that love is something that adds to the person you already are, it complements it. there is no need to discard someone when something's going wrong, work on it. and probably most importantly what you give out is what you get. if you want something give it away.
i don't expect ben and i to get back together or anything. i wouldn't dare ask that of him. but i do realize that all the times he said "it's your loss" he was right. it is my loss. but now i am taking responsibility for my end of the damage. i gave him a broken heart and therefore i get it in return. but i plan to take this time to get things on track. because i believe 2005 can be and will be an amazing year in all areas of life. i hope ben finds the happiness he truly deserves and i hope i can add to that hopefully as a friend if that's all i can. i also hope that everyone finds true happiness this year.
ya know i watched this independent film documentry yesterday. it spoke of an experiment done on water that when labeled with things like "chi of love" and "i am beautiful" the water molecules under the microscope became these beautiful snowflake like molecules. on a bottle of water where he wrote "i hate you, i wish you would die" the molecules became these disgusting misfigured yellowish things. Think about it, if we're 90% water imagine what our own thoughts do to us everyday. It also discussed how what we perceive as real, as in material, physical things, are not real. it all relates to quantum physics. but in the only reality is what's within. i know it's a hard concept to accept and you'll probably just brush it off. but it is scientifically proven that are reality is all perceived by our brain and not by the things external to us. therefore we make reality what ever we want it to be. that's powerful. each person in themselves in a god or goddess and you make this entire planet what you want it to be, but you do effect others. it's up to you how. they also talked of how they had this group mediation in washington d.c. considered the crime capital of the world and they had people from all over the world (4,000 in all) come and meditate in washington d.c. for a period of months. the crime rate fell 25% which the police department thought would be next to impossible to do, but the FBI was sponsoring the study as well and it's true. It's amazing how what you give out truly effects everything else. okay i'm done just something to keep in mind. i love you all.