(no subject)
I've been thinking about Greg, as a parent. God, he would have been the most amazing father. Those kids would have been hanging off of him like little monkeys, as kids ALWAYS were! And he would have been so excited! Having kids, having grandkids, great grandkids. Its just so sad! Lynn wrote, on her LJ a couple days ago, that Greggy will always be a 16 year old boy. When i saw that it really hit me...a thought i've never had before...I'm just so upset! My heart hurts so bad. I want him to come back! I dont understand why he cant come back, and when i try to, i just get soo mad, and i want to throw everything and break and crush everything i own...I'm feeling so much guilt, myself, and I cant even imagine Tyler's state right now. I've been praying for Tyler, a lot...I dont know what I would do if i were him, but i hope he knows that we're all here for him, and we're gonna try and help him through this.
And now, again, I'm back to Greg not having kids...and all of those people who never knew him, and who will never get to know him. He was so amazing, its just like, that isnt right. None of this is. He was sooo goddamn funny! One of the funniest people i've ever known, and one of the funniest i ever will know. He made me laugh, so much. Especially when i was sad, he'd be there embarrassing the hell out of himself, just to see me smile and laugh.
I'm so angry with myself, too. For not saying goodbye to him on friday. I think this memory has been in the back of my mind, this whole time, and I've finally been able to let it come through. I'm just so mad at myself. Why didnt i say goodbye and hug him like i wanted to. How could i have just let him walk away...I never did it before?? Only on friday, my last chance to ever hug him. And now I can only hug him and feel embraced by his big, safe, arms in my dreams...and that just breaks my heart. It's so cruel that I didnt say anything. God, what i would do to take back that moment. I just want to say goodbye!!! Why cant i just say goodbye to him.
I've been thinking about my letter...I've been waiting for him to write me back. I want him to tell me that he doesnt miss any of us, because he's still here. I want him to tell me that he was NOT scared before he died. I want him to tell me he's not scared now, and that he's happy. I want him to give me a hug that will last me the rest of my life. I want Greg back. I want him to come back so badly. AHHHHH!!! I just cant stand the fact that he is gone forever. I'm so scared right now. My heart aches so bad, and the guys are all just so blank. I want to go and hug them all at once, and tell them how sorry I am, because I miss him too. I want to bring him back for them. They all miss you so much Greg. I dont understand how God could have taken him away from those guys...from all of us.
Greg, PLEASE PLEASE come back. You have NO idea what you meant to us...I've been thinking about, how, maybe if we'd done this for you when you were alive, then maybe you could have survived the car crash. Maybe if i actually said goodbye to you, you would have been able to call me during the weekend, instead of someone else telling me that you were gone, forever. I dont know what to do with myself. I am lost, and cold, and in pain, and I cant bear seeing all of my friends, my family, crying and hurting anymore. I want this all to be a dream. It's a nightmare, and we're all crumbling. I want that 16 year old, boy back. I want him to breathe again, and laugh again, and run around, again. I love you, Greg.
And now, again, I'm back to Greg not having kids...and all of those people who never knew him, and who will never get to know him. He was so amazing, its just like, that isnt right. None of this is. He was sooo goddamn funny! One of the funniest people i've ever known, and one of the funniest i ever will know. He made me laugh, so much. Especially when i was sad, he'd be there embarrassing the hell out of himself, just to see me smile and laugh.
I'm so angry with myself, too. For not saying goodbye to him on friday. I think this memory has been in the back of my mind, this whole time, and I've finally been able to let it come through. I'm just so mad at myself. Why didnt i say goodbye and hug him like i wanted to. How could i have just let him walk away...I never did it before?? Only on friday, my last chance to ever hug him. And now I can only hug him and feel embraced by his big, safe, arms in my dreams...and that just breaks my heart. It's so cruel that I didnt say anything. God, what i would do to take back that moment. I just want to say goodbye!!! Why cant i just say goodbye to him.
I've been thinking about my letter...I've been waiting for him to write me back. I want him to tell me that he doesnt miss any of us, because he's still here. I want him to tell me that he was NOT scared before he died. I want him to tell me he's not scared now, and that he's happy. I want him to give me a hug that will last me the rest of my life. I want Greg back. I want him to come back so badly. AHHHHH!!! I just cant stand the fact that he is gone forever. I'm so scared right now. My heart aches so bad, and the guys are all just so blank. I want to go and hug them all at once, and tell them how sorry I am, because I miss him too. I want to bring him back for them. They all miss you so much Greg. I dont understand how God could have taken him away from those guys...from all of us.
Greg, PLEASE PLEASE come back. You have NO idea what you meant to us...I've been thinking about, how, maybe if we'd done this for you when you were alive, then maybe you could have survived the car crash. Maybe if i actually said goodbye to you, you would have been able to call me during the weekend, instead of someone else telling me that you were gone, forever. I dont know what to do with myself. I am lost, and cold, and in pain, and I cant bear seeing all of my friends, my family, crying and hurting anymore. I want this all to be a dream. It's a nightmare, and we're all crumbling. I want that 16 year old, boy back. I want him to breathe again, and laugh again, and run around, again. I love you, Greg.