everything is illuminated.

[everana]

i dont know what to do with myself.

last night, i was so scared.

i wrote a letter to my mother.

its really long.

its too mean to give to her.

i tried to stand up for myself.

clearly, that does not work.

i have to go to work soon.

i got two shifts this week.

im so ... i dont even know.

how could that happen?

how could all of this have happened?

everything has spiraled out of my control.

shes angry about my trip; she threw it in my face.

i could have seen that coming.

"dont MAKE any plans, alex. i didnt raise someone to be home every day. if youre not working youre going to start writing a college resume or finding places to volunteer or getting in touch with your school to find out about taking a summer course. the sooner you graduate the sooner you can get a real job. youre not going to see your friends and youre not going to have any privileges, and thats how its going to be."

and then the incredible mood swing.

"do you want to come get a movie with me? we could pick up some bertuccis."

and here i try to stand up for myself.

"no, thank you. i dont think that i can be around you right now. you confuse me when you explode at me and scream and then act nicely towards me. i dont want to be with you right now."

and then another explosion.

and i had to research college resumes and write one in its entirety last night.

she thought it was good.

i wonder if that makes her more angry, the fact that i did a good job on it.

being alive is too much work and i wish that i werent.

and im more terrified than ever, now.