him.....
hmm.. something about nighttime makes me think about problems, past, present, and future.. and leads me to sad conclusions about situations long gone and unchangeable..
for an assignment, i had to pick six significant events in my life (excluding births, graduations, birthdays, common events).. you know things have shaped me and they're far too personal to share (which leaves me with a pretty empty self folder). i wanted to write something about the period of 6 months where i jumped from one relationship to the next.. not intentionally but because i was so used to being dependent on someone.
i'm past that now and i've found someone who can deal with me (and i can deal with as well).. still everybody has left a part of them with me.. and he hurt me a lot. he gave me false security, promises that were lies.. then he destroyed my self worth. i've always struggled with that.. it wasn't a good idea to rely on anyone (much less a high school relationship b/c you know how those go) for reassurance and to tell you you're worth something because you should already know that.. but the point is, i never did and i know a lot of you don't either..
as much as i could at 16, i truly thought i loved him and it broke my heart to lose him.. for awhile i could think of nothing else except that i wasn't anything without him and i needed him.. because he completed me and was everything i thought i wanted. after the break up, i learned a bit of his character and his arrogance.. setting goals based on what he thinks would be hardest to achieve and not what he wants.. not really knowing what he wants but changing his mind as trends change.. i could be bitter and cynical, but i've always been intimidated of him.. even when i was dating him, the only power i held seemed to be in affecting his emotions to the least.. i tried so hard to be agreeable and perfect to him that i forgot how to be me.. which was probably who he wanted all along.. but now i know him and i don't want him..
he doesn't care now.. i don't care about him but i can't help but remember how much he hurts me.. and it keeps me up at night sometime.. my world literally fell apart and i was wandering aimlessly for awhile.. searching for a purpose.. and seeking feelings of acceptance, importance, adequacy.. i never believed i was good enough for him and it turned out i wasn't. still, it hurt to have to find out that way. maybe it was because he was the first to break up with me, maybe because he was the epitome of perfection to me (at the time), maybe because i just wanted so badly to be good enough for someone like him, maybe because i loved him, maybe all of the above.
i jumped into a relationship soon after that so i never had time to really recover.. i wouldn't dream of getting out of my current relationship.. but i wish he knew that it hurt. it still hurts. it'll hurt for a long time. i wish it mattered to him.. well actually it doesn't matter to me now. he wasn't supposed to happen and he did, he wasn't supposed to hurt me and he did, the pain wasn't supposed to linger but it does..
there's nothing left for me to do but wait for the day when i can say his name without sadness, when he'll no longer cause any sleepless nights, when i'll finally accept the way things are and maybe think my life all the better for it. chad, if i did this to you, i'm sorry because it's the last thing i meant to do.. you are one of the most genuine guys i know and i wish you guys the best b/c you really do deserve all the happiness in the world.. thanks for giving me so much but though you probably didn't believe me at the time.. i really did need time to find myself and i did.. see? she's good for you, and i can see you guys are happy..
i don't think anybody else is worth apologizing to rofl.. because i doubt anybody cared. oh i should apologize to john for all the grief this entry may cause.. i will put this all behind me in time.. but i know you understand because she hurt you just as much. time to close that chapter and start a new one.. and i have been doing that but sometimes it just comes and you can't do anything but cry..
it might not sound like it now, but i'm in the best relationship and i can thank all the previous ones for making me a stronger and better person.. i will be stronger when this is all over.. and our relationship will last because of it..
dont know how much of that was sugarcoated to make me sound happier now and i AM.. it's just hard to remember when you're bitching about problems and how much i was hurt and continue to be hurt without his knowledge.. concern.. heh this has all made me decide not to IM chad.. i'll leave him happy as he is. i wouldn't change anything about josh's relationship probably but i want to know that the pain will someday go away for good.
for an assignment, i had to pick six significant events in my life (excluding births, graduations, birthdays, common events).. you know things have shaped me and they're far too personal to share (which leaves me with a pretty empty self folder). i wanted to write something about the period of 6 months where i jumped from one relationship to the next.. not intentionally but because i was so used to being dependent on someone.
i'm past that now and i've found someone who can deal with me (and i can deal with as well).. still everybody has left a part of them with me.. and he hurt me a lot. he gave me false security, promises that were lies.. then he destroyed my self worth. i've always struggled with that.. it wasn't a good idea to rely on anyone (much less a high school relationship b/c you know how those go) for reassurance and to tell you you're worth something because you should already know that.. but the point is, i never did and i know a lot of you don't either..
as much as i could at 16, i truly thought i loved him and it broke my heart to lose him.. for awhile i could think of nothing else except that i wasn't anything without him and i needed him.. because he completed me and was everything i thought i wanted. after the break up, i learned a bit of his character and his arrogance.. setting goals based on what he thinks would be hardest to achieve and not what he wants.. not really knowing what he wants but changing his mind as trends change.. i could be bitter and cynical, but i've always been intimidated of him.. even when i was dating him, the only power i held seemed to be in affecting his emotions to the least.. i tried so hard to be agreeable and perfect to him that i forgot how to be me.. which was probably who he wanted all along.. but now i know him and i don't want him..
he doesn't care now.. i don't care about him but i can't help but remember how much he hurts me.. and it keeps me up at night sometime.. my world literally fell apart and i was wandering aimlessly for awhile.. searching for a purpose.. and seeking feelings of acceptance, importance, adequacy.. i never believed i was good enough for him and it turned out i wasn't. still, it hurt to have to find out that way. maybe it was because he was the first to break up with me, maybe because he was the epitome of perfection to me (at the time), maybe because i just wanted so badly to be good enough for someone like him, maybe because i loved him, maybe all of the above.
i jumped into a relationship soon after that so i never had time to really recover.. i wouldn't dream of getting out of my current relationship.. but i wish he knew that it hurt. it still hurts. it'll hurt for a long time. i wish it mattered to him.. well actually it doesn't matter to me now. he wasn't supposed to happen and he did, he wasn't supposed to hurt me and he did, the pain wasn't supposed to linger but it does..
there's nothing left for me to do but wait for the day when i can say his name without sadness, when he'll no longer cause any sleepless nights, when i'll finally accept the way things are and maybe think my life all the better for it. chad, if i did this to you, i'm sorry because it's the last thing i meant to do.. you are one of the most genuine guys i know and i wish you guys the best b/c you really do deserve all the happiness in the world.. thanks for giving me so much but though you probably didn't believe me at the time.. i really did need time to find myself and i did.. see? she's good for you, and i can see you guys are happy..
i don't think anybody else is worth apologizing to rofl.. because i doubt anybody cared. oh i should apologize to john for all the grief this entry may cause.. i will put this all behind me in time.. but i know you understand because she hurt you just as much. time to close that chapter and start a new one.. and i have been doing that but sometimes it just comes and you can't do anything but cry..
it might not sound like it now, but i'm in the best relationship and i can thank all the previous ones for making me a stronger and better person.. i will be stronger when this is all over.. and our relationship will last because of it..
dont know how much of that was sugarcoated to make me sound happier now and i AM.. it's just hard to remember when you're bitching about problems and how much i was hurt and continue to be hurt without his knowledge.. concern.. heh this has all made me decide not to IM chad.. i'll leave him happy as he is. i wouldn't change anything about josh's relationship probably but i want to know that the pain will someday go away for good.