Generosity and Jealousy
So...life's been generally a piece of shit for the past few days.
Work is getting better, considering I really only work Fridays and weekends. Everyone's all excited about "a three day weekend". I'm in the background, grumbling "Fuck you; I have work..."
Actually, I don't know that for sure yet. I haven't gone out to check my times yet. Don't give me that look; I was gonna! Then that thunderstorm rolled in yesterday. It's all hazy and chilly outside now. I like the chilly part; at least we're getting fresh air, not stale-humid air, but the hazy part is killing me. Major headache power.
We're gonna do Hindu Pushups and Hindu Situps today...
I could have sworn this was America.
Musta took a wrong turn at Albacurcey, or however the fuck you spell it.
If they're going to torture us, can't they at least do it in an American way? Oh, wait; that involves bing drinking and drunken games, like the egg between your buttcheeks, or a pyramid of naked men, or knowing that the answer is always "May I have another, Sir?"
I digress.
I'm a little upset...I try and I try for certain people, even going as far as to swallow my pride to get something I was certain would bring them a bit happiness; maybe even a smile. What do I get? I get a "I'll come get it later" and they never show.
Figures. I suppose I should be use to it. Honestly, I'm not all that angry, just depressed. I realized that I'm wasting my time to help someone that doesn't even appreciate it. I should border-line worship someone else, who will actually be thrilled when I have something for them.
I literally begged for this gift, too. In front of a whole bus load of people, some giggling when I blushed while saying "I don't want it for me; I want it for my friend."
*sighs* Maybe he just forgot. He sure does that a lot...
I'm easy to forget; I know, but still.
Moving on to a happier subject.
James, I love you. =D You're amazing. Intelligent. Freakin' great! I'm so glad Kristen introduced us, even if you were with her at the time.
You know why I was upset that day, but I promised Kristen an explanation via blog. So I was becoming increasingly depressed because I felt like I was just a big disappointment. Once again, I felt like Kristen was ten times better than me and that, deep down, James preferred being with her. I mean, she could fulfill his Yoshi "fetish" (turns out, it's not really a "fetish"), lives way closer, has guardians that don't freak out at the mere idea of an online relationship (much less a far older man), lives way closer, is considerably smarter (makes far less typos, anywho), and can draw him all sorts of awesome pictures.
Don't bother telling me a million reasons why it would be otherwise...I've already gotten over it. I've realized that I'm my own person, for better or worse. Damn it; I'm fucking awesome.
Anywho, I'd write more, but the bell for school has rung. I must go to English. I'll most likely edit this later anyway...
As suspected, I've now edited this. I've spent my time in the ROTC back room. I think I'll just take a 0 for Physical Testing today; I have work later anywho and I just don't feel up to it today. Less physical and more emotional/mental distress (annoyance).
I've come to understand that, no matter how hard you work for others, they will most likely not acknowledge you. For example, I work my ass off in ROTC all the time. Just now I finished the Newsletter Article for my Logistics, when no one else has even bothered to start their own. I've spent countless hours staying after school just to catch up on numbers and items in Logistics, because no one else would. I get recognition, yes, but I also got a piece of meat dangled in my face before torn away. "You get to be Deputy Group Commander, Rosalie! Isn't that exciting?" and then "No, we decided to give the position to Crystal, because she's a Senior, even though she's an AS III and you're an AS IV now. Yes, we are going to have to bump her up many ranks when it would only take two to make you a Major. Oh, but here's a shiny new Capitan's rank for you! Isn't that just dandy?"
*stares at the new rank* I suppose I should be happy for it, and (in some ways) I am. At the same time, however, I can't help but feel disappointed. For yet another foolish but rare moment in my life, I stupidly allowed myself to feel hope. To tell myself "You're special; you're worth something" only to have it dashed away. I wish they wouldn't have promised something like that to begin with. Maybe I wouldn't feel so bitter, or so guilty about being so bitter. Maybe I just shouldn't have such stupid thoughts. I'm not even on the top five. I'm just...head of Logistics again. True, I really should be happy about this, right? I'm a high rank. I'm only two ranks from the highest a cadet could be. I am Captain Rosalie Guthrie, Officer in Command of Logistics with NCO's working under me. It's just...the only thing different about that from last year is the rank. I guess I think it's small compared to what was promised me.
I'll get over it and realize I'm right where I belong. Not quite on top, but the head of something. Besides; Crystal's doing an excellent job! She's very good! This is nothing against her; she's honestly better for the position than I am. It doesn't even hurt to admit that, because it's true. It's just something I can deny, no matter how jealous I might be...
Blah, my budday Shannon has run across the hall from Art II to type, so I'll have to end this. Mrow!
Love you all (mostly just James),
~Rosie
PS:
[Owner] "Come here Mr. Tinkles!"
[Cat] "Fuck you, bitch! My name is Kaiser, lord if the carpet tree and master of the cat nip! The only kindness you will receive from me will be the little, tightly curled presents I leave in your shoes!"
[Owner] "But I have tuuuunaaaa~!"
[Cat] "Mr.Tinkles is on his way~!" *scampers*
Work is getting better, considering I really only work Fridays and weekends. Everyone's all excited about "a three day weekend". I'm in the background, grumbling "Fuck you; I have work..."
Actually, I don't know that for sure yet. I haven't gone out to check my times yet. Don't give me that look; I was gonna! Then that thunderstorm rolled in yesterday. It's all hazy and chilly outside now. I like the chilly part; at least we're getting fresh air, not stale-humid air, but the hazy part is killing me. Major headache power.
We're gonna do Hindu Pushups and Hindu Situps today...
I could have sworn this was America.
Musta took a wrong turn at Albacurcey, or however the fuck you spell it.
If they're going to torture us, can't they at least do it in an American way? Oh, wait; that involves bing drinking and drunken games, like the egg between your buttcheeks, or a pyramid of naked men, or knowing that the answer is always "May I have another, Sir?"
I digress.
I'm a little upset...I try and I try for certain people, even going as far as to swallow my pride to get something I was certain would bring them a bit happiness; maybe even a smile. What do I get? I get a "I'll come get it later" and they never show.
Figures. I suppose I should be use to it. Honestly, I'm not all that angry, just depressed. I realized that I'm wasting my time to help someone that doesn't even appreciate it. I should border-line worship someone else, who will actually be thrilled when I have something for them.
I literally begged for this gift, too. In front of a whole bus load of people, some giggling when I blushed while saying "I don't want it for me; I want it for my friend."
*sighs* Maybe he just forgot. He sure does that a lot...
I'm easy to forget; I know, but still.
Moving on to a happier subject.
James, I love you. =D You're amazing. Intelligent. Freakin' great! I'm so glad Kristen introduced us, even if you were with her at the time.
You know why I was upset that day, but I promised Kristen an explanation via blog. So I was becoming increasingly depressed because I felt like I was just a big disappointment. Once again, I felt like Kristen was ten times better than me and that, deep down, James preferred being with her. I mean, she could fulfill his Yoshi "fetish" (turns out, it's not really a "fetish"), lives way closer, has guardians that don't freak out at the mere idea of an online relationship (much less a far older man), lives way closer, is considerably smarter (makes far less typos, anywho), and can draw him all sorts of awesome pictures.
Don't bother telling me a million reasons why it would be otherwise...I've already gotten over it. I've realized that I'm my own person, for better or worse. Damn it; I'm fucking awesome.
Anywho, I'd write more, but the bell for school has rung. I must go to English. I'll most likely edit this later anyway...
As suspected, I've now edited this. I've spent my time in the ROTC back room. I think I'll just take a 0 for Physical Testing today; I have work later anywho and I just don't feel up to it today. Less physical and more emotional/mental distress (annoyance).
I've come to understand that, no matter how hard you work for others, they will most likely not acknowledge you. For example, I work my ass off in ROTC all the time. Just now I finished the Newsletter Article for my Logistics, when no one else has even bothered to start their own. I've spent countless hours staying after school just to catch up on numbers and items in Logistics, because no one else would. I get recognition, yes, but I also got a piece of meat dangled in my face before torn away. "You get to be Deputy Group Commander, Rosalie! Isn't that exciting?" and then "No, we decided to give the position to Crystal, because she's a Senior, even though she's an AS III and you're an AS IV now. Yes, we are going to have to bump her up many ranks when it would only take two to make you a Major. Oh, but here's a shiny new Capitan's rank for you! Isn't that just dandy?"
*stares at the new rank* I suppose I should be happy for it, and (in some ways) I am. At the same time, however, I can't help but feel disappointed. For yet another foolish but rare moment in my life, I stupidly allowed myself to feel hope. To tell myself "You're special; you're worth something" only to have it dashed away. I wish they wouldn't have promised something like that to begin with. Maybe I wouldn't feel so bitter, or so guilty about being so bitter. Maybe I just shouldn't have such stupid thoughts. I'm not even on the top five. I'm just...head of Logistics again. True, I really should be happy about this, right? I'm a high rank. I'm only two ranks from the highest a cadet could be. I am Captain Rosalie Guthrie, Officer in Command of Logistics with NCO's working under me. It's just...the only thing different about that from last year is the rank. I guess I think it's small compared to what was promised me.
I'll get over it and realize I'm right where I belong. Not quite on top, but the head of something. Besides; Crystal's doing an excellent job! She's very good! This is nothing against her; she's honestly better for the position than I am. It doesn't even hurt to admit that, because it's true. It's just something I can deny, no matter how jealous I might be...
Blah, my budday Shannon has run across the hall from Art II to type, so I'll have to end this. Mrow!
Love you all (mostly just James),
~Rosie
PS:
[Owner] "Come here Mr. Tinkles!"
[Cat] "Fuck you, bitch! My name is Kaiser, lord if the carpet tree and master of the cat nip! The only kindness you will receive from me will be the little, tightly curled presents I leave in your shoes!"
[Owner] "But I have tuuuunaaaa~!"
[Cat] "Mr.Tinkles is on his way~!" *scampers*