This is a pretty interesting series of links, and discussion thereof. I too was generally praised as a child and now have crushing insecurites and fear of failure.
Hm. I disagree with the notion. I think a lot of people have a fear of failure. I might even go so far as to say that most people fear failure, but I do not think that it is a result of the praise that we are given as a child. I'm not afraid of failure. It's how we learn. My mother and grandparents praised me a great deal as a child and continue to. I have one heck of an ego, a fact which astridsdream will attest to in some time if she notices this comment, but failure only serves to strengthen my desire to do it again and this time to succeed. The fear of failure, I think, comes from knowing that other people have done it before and did it better and or easier than you are able. That has to be locked away and you have to light out and make whatever you want your own.
Hmm. I made one reply but it came off kind of snarky, although it wasn't meant to be, and so I deleted it, and have been trying to post a different response and it just... isn't posting. So if you've gotten several dozen notifications about the same post or variatons thereof, I apologize.
Snarky is cool, but I didn't take it that way :D It is good to be me, but thank the maker we all function differently. Otherwise it would be nice for everyone to be me and well...I'm not ok with that :D
Oh hey! I had another thought.... did you actually read the article all the way through? Because it makes the point that just telling a kid they were "natually talented" or "smart" or what have you is what causes the trouble; because they don't know -how- they do it, so they don't have control over it and fear losing it since they think it's what makes them valuable. BUT, if you praise children for effort, or for trying, or for working hard and learning, that DOES boost their self-esteem and helps them to not be afraid of failure and so forth
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Truth be told I skimmed some of the later comments. It is the case that I was given to both sides of the spectrum. The "gifted" and "gosh you are talented for some unknown reason" came from school and church. My folks always told me that as long as I tried my best that they would not be disappointed in me. I guess that would be what actually drove me. I would say that is what still drives me. I give my best effort and know that some people will not always see it as good enough, but I'll be pleased with the outcome. I was always encouraged to give the best effort though and I can see how it would make a difference if I was just told that everything that I had done was the result of some mystical ability to do things well. You have to do something to get what you have
By way of paying it forward (herm...pun not intended, but I'm going to leave it there because it is indeed powerful) you write well and are creative because you strive to achieve something great. When I was lent a copy of Villains by Necessity I knew two sentences into
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I... gosh. Well, first off, thank you. :) It does make me feel all warm and fuzzy to get compliments, even though I sometimes doubt they're deserved. The thing about VBN was... OK, well, the rewriting took time and 'effort' although I really had no clue what I was doing, so I'm glad it worked all right. The first draft, though... that's sort of my shame, because it was really just something to do to keep myself from going insane with boredom while stranded on the north coast of Scotland. I feel like I can't really take any credit for it, because it wasn't a big struggle.
One of the great things about success is that, while you do have to work for it, you don't always have to fight tooth and nail for it. And the great thing about compliments is that they are always deserved because it means that someone else recognizes that, at least from their point of view, that you have done something meaningful for them or that they have noticed something about you that they find superior. Compliments have a two fold purpose. First, the person who has done something or changed something or whatever gets to be recogized for their ability or choice. Second, the person who gets to enjoy the fruits of someone labor or see them a little differently get a chance to say thank you for making their time that much more interesting. So, thanks...and you deserve it
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-Mr. Money
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Cheers,
-M
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By way of paying it forward (herm...pun not intended, but I'm going to leave it there because it is indeed powerful) you write well and are creative because you strive to achieve something great. When I was lent a copy of Villains by Necessity I knew two sentences into ( ... )
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I... gosh. Well, first off, thank you. :) It does make me feel all warm and fuzzy to get compliments, even though I sometimes doubt they're deserved. The thing about VBN was... OK, well, the rewriting took time and 'effort' although I really had no clue what I was doing, so I'm glad it worked all right. The first draft, though... that's sort of my shame, because it was really just something to do to keep myself from going insane with boredom while stranded on the north coast of Scotland. I feel like I can't really take any credit for it, because it wasn't a big struggle.
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