This is a pretty interesting series of links, and discussion thereof. I too was generally praised as a child and now have crushing insecurites and fear of failure.
Oh hey! I had another thought.... did you actually read the article all the way through? Because it makes the point that just telling a kid they were "natually talented" or "smart" or what have you is what causes the trouble; because they don't know -how- they do it, so they don't have control over it and fear losing it since they think it's what makes them valuable. BUT, if you praise children for effort, or for trying, or for working hard and learning, that DOES boost their self-esteem and helps them to not be afraid of failure and so forth.
So... when you were being praised, were you praised only on your inherent inborn merits or 'talent' or 'giftedness' or that sort thing... or were you instead, or also, praised for trying hard and being persistent and learning from your failures? Because I can totally see how that would help make you into a more confident and persistent person that you seem to be.
I was generally praised on my 'talent' or intelligence or 'creativity' (GAH!!) and never really encouraged to do better or try harder or work on things I didn't like to do. I was not good at math and my father's response was, "Well, I guess you're just not good at math, but you are good at writing and animals and so forth, so you can just do what you're good at." To this day I have an almost pathological fear of arithmetic, and I still count on my fingers. And since I have no idea -how- I'm supposed to be good at writing or creativity, I can't call it up on command very well and I am in constant terror of 'failing' at it, because I don't know how to do it.
Truth be told I skimmed some of the later comments. It is the case that I was given to both sides of the spectrum. The "gifted" and "gosh you are talented for some unknown reason" came from school and church. My folks always told me that as long as I tried my best that they would not be disappointed in me. I guess that would be what actually drove me. I would say that is what still drives me. I give my best effort and know that some people will not always see it as good enough, but I'll be pleased with the outcome. I was always encouraged to give the best effort though and I can see how it would make a difference if I was just told that everything that I had done was the result of some mystical ability to do things well. You have to do something to get what you have
By way of paying it forward (herm...pun not intended, but I'm going to leave it there because it is indeed powerful) you write well and are creative because you strive to achieve something great. When I was lent a copy of Villains by Necessity I knew two sentences into the forward--there's that word again (which wants me to go off on a tangent about you in terms of the beginning of things, but we'll save that for another time)--that it would be extremely powerful and something worth spending time with. I don't think that writing or creativity are natural talents at all. They are skills and abilities that must be nurtured and grown into something worth having and sharing with others. You have done that well because you have taken the time to make it happen. You have given your best effort and for that I appreciate you. Keep giving what you can and that's all we'll (here I speak empirically because I can promise naught for the rest of the folks who might see this) ask of you. So long as you know that you put your best effort forth that's all that will ever matter.
I... gosh. Well, first off, thank you. :) It does make me feel all warm and fuzzy to get compliments, even though I sometimes doubt they're deserved. The thing about VBN was... OK, well, the rewriting took time and 'effort' although I really had no clue what I was doing, so I'm glad it worked all right. The first draft, though... that's sort of my shame, because it was really just something to do to keep myself from going insane with boredom while stranded on the north coast of Scotland. I feel like I can't really take any credit for it, because it wasn't a big struggle.
One of the great things about success is that, while you do have to work for it, you don't always have to fight tooth and nail for it. And the great thing about compliments is that they are always deserved because it means that someone else recognizes that, at least from their point of view, that you have done something meaningful for them or that they have noticed something about you that they find superior. Compliments have a two fold purpose. First, the person who has done something or changed something or whatever gets to be recogized for their ability or choice. Second, the person who gets to enjoy the fruits of someone labor or see them a little differently get a chance to say thank you for making their time that much more interesting. So, thanks...and you deserve it :)
Let's not get me wrong here though. I'm not complimenting you because a stack of other people have found your work to be powerful and good (not that this is untrue), just as compliments are important we must accept that critique must also have a place. The trick is to recognize when someone needs one more than the other.
Oh hey! I had another thought.... did you actually read the article all the way through? Because it makes the point that just telling a kid they were "natually talented" or "smart" or what have you is what causes the trouble; because they don't know -how- they do it, so they don't have control over it and fear losing it since they think it's what makes them valuable. BUT, if you praise children for effort, or for trying, or for working hard and learning, that DOES boost their self-esteem and helps them to not be afraid of failure and so forth.
So... when you were being praised, were you praised only on your inherent inborn merits or 'talent' or 'giftedness' or that sort thing... or were you instead, or also, praised for trying hard and being persistent and learning from your failures? Because I can totally see how that would help make you into a more confident and persistent person that you seem to be.
I was generally praised on my 'talent' or intelligence or 'creativity' (GAH!!) and never really encouraged to do better or try harder or work on things I didn't like to do. I was not good at math and my father's response was, "Well, I guess you're just not good at math, but you are good at writing and animals and so forth, so you can just do what you're good at." To this day I have an almost pathological fear of arithmetic, and I still count on my fingers. And since I have no idea -how- I'm supposed to be good at writing or creativity, I can't call it up on command very well and I am in constant terror of 'failing' at it, because I don't know how to do it.
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By way of paying it forward (herm...pun not intended, but I'm going to leave it there because it is indeed powerful) you write well and are creative because you strive to achieve something great. When I was lent a copy of Villains by Necessity I knew two sentences into the forward--there's that word again (which wants me to go off on a tangent about you in terms of the beginning of things, but we'll save that for another time)--that it would be extremely powerful and something worth spending time with. I don't think that writing or creativity are natural talents at all. They are skills and abilities that must be nurtured and grown into something worth having and sharing with others. You have done that well because you have taken the time to make it happen. You have given your best effort and for that I appreciate you. Keep giving what you can and that's all we'll (here I speak empirically because I can promise naught for the rest of the folks who might see this) ask of you. So long as you know that you put your best effort forth that's all that will ever matter.
-M
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I... gosh. Well, first off, thank you. :) It does make me feel all warm and fuzzy to get compliments, even though I sometimes doubt they're deserved. The thing about VBN was... OK, well, the rewriting took time and 'effort' although I really had no clue what I was doing, so I'm glad it worked all right. The first draft, though... that's sort of my shame, because it was really just something to do to keep myself from going insane with boredom while stranded on the north coast of Scotland. I feel like I can't really take any credit for it, because it wasn't a big struggle.
Reply
Let's not get me wrong here though. I'm not complimenting you because a stack of other people have found your work to be powerful and good (not that this is untrue), just as compliments are important we must accept that critique must also have a place. The trick is to recognize when someone needs one more than the other.
-Mr. Money
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