(no subject)
i havent wrote in here for some time. I started writing in that bs msn myspace thing. But right now, ill write in her, today. Because i know not many people read it.
The last month has been the worst, perhaps, of my life. I have spent all my time taking care of garnet. He has fallen prey to serious depression. The kind of depression that turns someone into a monster. The kind of depression that takes away the man you feel in love with and replaces him with someone who screams that your a bitch and a cunt, someone who pushes you and leaves bruises on your ivory white arms. The kind of person who has forgotten your name and only calls you "woman". "Woman, get the fuck out of here" "Woman, make me dinner" "Woman, FUCK OFF". He is angry. Hes so angry, hes so afraid. He is stealing your life away.
I have taken him to hospitals trying to get him in to see a psychiatrist. I have slept in hospital chairs and held his hand. I have put my head between my legs and cried because i am afraid. He wont get better. I have taken him to appointments, written pages of notes for his doctors because he isnt much one for talking, he prefers to stare and shake his leg. I hand him his pills with water. I hand him his toothbrush with paste. And say "okay, hun, please brush your teeth". He neglects things like this now. I am lucky he showers on his own.
When hes not here i sometimes cry, and when he gets home i make sure to smile and ask how his day was. I am dying inside. I fell in love with someone who will need to be taken care of. And i love him so much i cannot leave him. Cannot imagine it. Even though hes taken to pushing me around and lying to me. Alway lying to me. About everything.
So i spend all my time trying to make him better and then he goes out and gets stoned, doesnt call me and gets drunk. Which makes him sicker, in the end. I forget to eat. And so my stomache always hurts. Im never hungry. I just smoke a lot. I get home from school and sleep. I have dropped all of my writing gigs because i have no time or energy anymore. I cannot recognize my own depresson because i must take care of his. Though i question who is worse off.
I have taken to questiong life. Whats the point if it is always so hard and you never feel good anymore? Whats thepoint when ill die anyway? Tell me, what is the fucking point of this all? I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of him hurting me. I'm sick of pushing myself aside to be his saving grace. I'm sick of getting nothing in return. I wish someone would just take care of ME for awile because im not feeling so great. But shh, i must not let those in my inner circle be aware of this. I must nod my head and smile, i must say "Yes, I love you" even though you hurt me so. Even though life has lost its sparkle.
I dont care about much these days. I write papers, go to some of my classes and carry on somehow. When things feel overwhelming i go out with friends, get drunk and do things i don't feel bad about. Because he's taking over my life.
I never bargained for this.
The last month has been the worst, perhaps, of my life. I have spent all my time taking care of garnet. He has fallen prey to serious depression. The kind of depression that turns someone into a monster. The kind of depression that takes away the man you feel in love with and replaces him with someone who screams that your a bitch and a cunt, someone who pushes you and leaves bruises on your ivory white arms. The kind of person who has forgotten your name and only calls you "woman". "Woman, get the fuck out of here" "Woman, make me dinner" "Woman, FUCK OFF". He is angry. Hes so angry, hes so afraid. He is stealing your life away.
I have taken him to hospitals trying to get him in to see a psychiatrist. I have slept in hospital chairs and held his hand. I have put my head between my legs and cried because i am afraid. He wont get better. I have taken him to appointments, written pages of notes for his doctors because he isnt much one for talking, he prefers to stare and shake his leg. I hand him his pills with water. I hand him his toothbrush with paste. And say "okay, hun, please brush your teeth". He neglects things like this now. I am lucky he showers on his own.
When hes not here i sometimes cry, and when he gets home i make sure to smile and ask how his day was. I am dying inside. I fell in love with someone who will need to be taken care of. And i love him so much i cannot leave him. Cannot imagine it. Even though hes taken to pushing me around and lying to me. Alway lying to me. About everything.
So i spend all my time trying to make him better and then he goes out and gets stoned, doesnt call me and gets drunk. Which makes him sicker, in the end. I forget to eat. And so my stomache always hurts. Im never hungry. I just smoke a lot. I get home from school and sleep. I have dropped all of my writing gigs because i have no time or energy anymore. I cannot recognize my own depresson because i must take care of his. Though i question who is worse off.
I have taken to questiong life. Whats the point if it is always so hard and you never feel good anymore? Whats thepoint when ill die anyway? Tell me, what is the fucking point of this all? I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of him hurting me. I'm sick of pushing myself aside to be his saving grace. I'm sick of getting nothing in return. I wish someone would just take care of ME for awile because im not feeling so great. But shh, i must not let those in my inner circle be aware of this. I must nod my head and smile, i must say "Yes, I love you" even though you hurt me so. Even though life has lost its sparkle.
I dont care about much these days. I write papers, go to some of my classes and carry on somehow. When things feel overwhelming i go out with friends, get drunk and do things i don't feel bad about. Because he's taking over my life.
I never bargained for this.