the crazy person journey... part 4/5
I feel I should update; October the 3rd was my assessment with an NHS Psychiatrist. She diagnosed low mood and suicidal ideation but as I didn't want any medication, there was not much else she could do. She agreed as had my GP that I needed long term therapy and discharged me from Psychiatry. It felt highly pointless and irrelevant; but in a way should someone else on this journey, tell me I need to see psychiatry for my suicidal tendencies; well I've been there, done that. I couldn't help but compare her to my private therapist (the one I can no longer afford) who is also a psychiatrist and the comparison wasn't really favourable. What she did end up doing though was write me an incredibly uncomfortable summary of my assessment, which though marginally inaccurate, is the first time I've ever seen a piece of paper really stating all my difficulties. She also referred me to Psychology for an assessment for long term therapy.
Today after many weeks was that assessment. I swear to god, even though both my GP and the Psychiatrist agreed on me needing long term therapy, all that waiting later, it became apparent during the assessment that I was in the wrong place! The psychologist who saw me (or maybe she was a counsellor) was a very nice lady who started asking me questions from scratch again. As they started to get more uncomfortable I asked her if she'd seen the Psychiatry letter to which she informed me, she hadn't seen one. Since I had a copy I gave it to her to read. At this point she realised the futility of trying to assess me for short term therapy and looked a little out of her depth. It would be cruel to be almost amused but it highlighted how shallow her questions up till that point had been, considering my issues. She's decided to speak to her manager and the team of psychologists to put me in the right place, which is not CBT or short term (six sessions of counselling). I asked her what kind of people even benefit from six sessions of counselling, I don't get it, how is six sessions ever going to help? If your problems only need six sessions to fix, they can't be that terrible, surely (it's not that I'm minimising anyone's distress, but who can be bothered to wait this long for six sessions over short term problems? short term problems that are not supposed to be suicidal idealisation and really low mood?!). Anyway her reply went something along the lines of oh it would be a completely different category of people to you, (I can only conclude it must be normal people who are going through tough times, rather then someone like me who has never been really "normal"!).
I was concerned that I wouldn't be "depressed enough" today. That somehow the assessment wouldn't see my long term issues, because unless the questions are direct, I'm a good evader and make jokes about everything. It seems I needn't be concerned about that, even when relatively cheerful, direct questions that make me ponder, bring out enough serious issues. She asked me whether I had trouble being open with my current therapist "because you seem to have been very open with me now". That's almost laughable, you do realise that what I'm upset and open about on the surface is really just the surface of a deep dark pit of issues that I can't talk about. It's that negative, that what I'm crying about is almost the happy stuff. She was a nice person, clearly out of her depth. I almost feel sorry for her for not having the psychiatry letter to begin with. It really is so clear cut, talking to someone who sees the darker side of human nature everyday and someone like her who counsels nice people about nice issues.
Anyway she's going to ring me next week with an explanation of where I probably need to be. And I suppose today I've actually come to appreciate the letter from psychiatry, which I can just show and never have to explain further. I got initially referred for everything from my GP in August. August was a bad month. I've helped myself to get better; it's kind of really bad that it's been so long with so many low points since that referral and I've still not got any help.
My private therapist wants me to try low cost Psychoanalysis which is three times a week for a minimum of two years and will cost the same as seeing her twice a month. I would HATE to come to rely on someone, which is what three times a week would lead to and who has the time. That according to her is my "dependency issues" which ironically I probably need the therapy for, to begin with. Whatever, this is exhausting. For someone who initially started with the mindset; all therapy is pointless and you only need yourself to become self aware, and you should only speak to those who actually care about you in the first place rather then seeing you as a job, I'm making an awful lot of effort to get therapy. (Because no one cares about you enough to give you the time your problems demand, and no one should have to try and deal with your multitude of issues, the voice in my head tells me).
ETA: It's kind of nice seeing someone new to have a moan about life too. I mean these people are paid to give never ending sympathy; how awesome! My current therapist knows me to well for me to pointlessly be able to moan about stuff, I can see her assessing how much within my power it is to change the situation, however when truly distraught she has been surprisingly sympathetic. I suppose that's also why I like seeing her, seeing her makes it quite clear therapy isn't a place to go and cry, rather then to go and work out how one would solve things.