subtle ripples across time
you ruined my life,
it takes so long for the ripples and
impacts across time to be seen,
but you really ruined my life.
on the surface I seem normal,
a person living a near normal life,
if I look back;
you didn't leave me scarred,
bruised or in physical pain,
absolutely distressed
or even really suffering
at that moment in time,
but it is only now;
I see it,
the reasons why I'm prob sitting here
miles from anyone I know,
alone,
unable to explain,
unable to communicate,
you messed me up forever,
you changed me innately,
you fucked me up,
you made me the way I am,
and the way I am
makes my life what it is today.
the addition of millions of decisions,
made, under the influence of
what you made me.
there is no fucking way on earth,
you can see the bigger picture,
it was never going to be obvious,
what regularly fucking a little girl,
was going to do to her entire future life,
beyond that moment, here and now.
I don't think you can even imagine the impact,
all the little ways,
you've made me what I am today.
and what I am doesn't work.
I've seen my own photographs,
I could be any little girl,
oblivious to the horror of the world,
I cannot understand,
how you could do that,
to the girl in that picture.
there is no justification,
you bastard.
I've struggled with that feeling of being "wrong"
for so long.
sexually different, maybe more twisted,
then everyone around me,
and of course,
it's so damned obvious,
you put it there,
before I even had a chance to be anything different.