so glad, that it got so bad...

[evasearchin]

I am glad,
so absolutely glad,
that I wanted to kill myself.
that things were so bad,
felt,
so bad, at the very least,
that suicide seemed to be,
a safe sanctuary.

because now
when filled with self doubt,
when I wonder
whether I made the right choices in life,
whether I signed myself up
to a lifetime of loneliness
and emptiness,
I can see that at least I signed up for a life.

you can tell me what you like,
and possibly I'd believe you,
and possibly I'd come back,
and possibly I'd think you actually are right,
especially as all of this is so hard,
so cold, so empty, so alone,
but...

It's good that I can't quite forget,
that it got to a point,
where there didn't seem to be a point.
so many times,
over so many years.
nothing improved,
nothing changed,
and there I was again,
on a train track
heading for a train crash,
quite literally.

the epitome of bad really,
spiritually, mentally, completely,
it could not get worse,
then that feeling
where you want to die.
and that's what I'm holding on to,
whatever takes me away from that
is the right thing to do.

(for tonight,
I shall ignore the voice in my head
that says that this will always be me,
I'll always carry my suicidal inclinations around,
for as long as I live,
for life will always be a struggle,
one way or another,
and whether I'm here or there,
matters not at all).