i love you if you read this
I only just noticed an old playlist I started in my itunes at least a year ago.
"magic songs."
it's just a list of all the songs on my ipod that i can listen to and float along on a cloud, many of which are the opening or closing tracks of albums, but some are just middle tracks.
i miss the days when all i needed to feel infinite was the song "Existentialism on Prom Night" or "Morningstar" or almost anything on Ready...Break (particularly "If I Die" and "Konstantine") and a late night on the beach.
i was a lot more innocent then. that was two years ago, the summer before sophomore year. even though the first half i had friends and the second half i did not, the whole period seems the same to me now, (which is a brand new development). all i really bother to remember from then were the frequent nights when i'd put on my ipod and walk 10 minutes to the beach, stay there for 20 minutes or so, and walk back. later in the summer that included many failed attempts to take a picture of the ocean in the middle of the night.
i was naive then. just listening to "Straw Dog" or "The New Year" made me feel amazing. infinite really is the only word that captures it, as cliche as it sounds.
the next summer i went to the other side of the beach, and the list of songs expanded to include "Do You Know Who You Are?", "Autumn Leaves Revisited," and "December."
the list is about 30 songs long now, some of which i don't think should be on there because they don't strum my heart strings as well as the older ones did. that may just be because i've gotten older and i've complicated myself, so it no longer takes a good song to float along the ocean. listening to the ones that i used to listen to still does have a similar effect as it used to. i'm going to try listening to them at the beach one night soon, like old times.
i realize now that i really thought about very little on these walks. maybe that's why they were so magical. i deluded myself into thinking that the nights were to think everything out, but really, i was really forgetting all of my worries in favor of silent appreciation of life and its wonders: good music, good weather, solitude, a roaring ocean, the sand beneath my feet, the false feeling that i'm the only person awake in the world.
it was all incredible now that i think about it, and now i'm thinking that those are the moments i'm going to remember about my teen years above all others. nothing i ever did with friends really stands out above those, except for maybe the first day in red bank when i met everyone with zakk.
nevermind, that's not true. there was that phone call i had with merry when i was in a ranch in texas. the phone call where i told merry that i liked guys. i honestly don't remember how i told billy i was gay. i do remember the day at the playground in shark river with billy and val when billy said "i think if evan was gay he would have told me by now." my first concert ever, with billy and dave seeing LTJ at starland. the nights in monmouth beach at 2am when i took photos of nothing at all. warped tour 05 with val. bamboozle 06 with val and alicia. the 2 minutes on the balcony in barcelona at 4am before we left the hotel for the airport (those were indescribably powerful moments). the night in red bank where lauren and i spun around in circles in commerce lot. seeing copeland at the smallest venue ever in hoboken with conway on a school night. the night just recently when a drunk annalisa told me that if i want something beautiful or amazing to happen, i should go make it happen.
this has made me happy. i've always assumed that i was going to look back on my teen years with unpleasant memories, but that's not true. there were plenty of moments that were great, both when i was alone and with people. no, i'm probably not going to look back on my high school days as a great period of my life, but there's still plenty that i'll be able to think back on and smile about.
i'm extremely happy with the way i've led my life. even combined with the far-more-numerous bad moments of my life, i can look back on everything and smile. even the all nighters i pulled the last two years that left me a walking corpse in school so many times. it's all just good memories for some reason, as unpleasant as some of the experiences were. i'm not going to question it. i'm just glad it is that way.
those all nighters. i'd just spend the whole night digging through the internet. i realize now i have an addiction to the internet (it's why i'm up right now), but there's more. it's the same reason i love to drive to nowhere. i just hope i'll come across something incredible. something that will change my perspective on something major. something that will take my breath away. it's the exact same feeling as when i drove at 2am through middlesex county.
i'll probably never find anything that i'm "looking for," but the chase is all i really need. i know that now since i never found anything staying up and hunting through the internet all night, yet i still feel like it wasn't a mistake that i pulled that so many times. it feels like it was justified, and it must be because i was pleasing my inherent thirst to quest and search.
it's also similar to the feeling i get inside the asylum or the cecom building or the big (now gone) mansion in oakhurst. just the idea i could come across something that defies reality somehow, like a link to the past or to something too complex for my brain to comprehend.
it's all quite silly i know, but that doesn't bother me in the least. this is who i am, and i'm so glad it is. there's no person i'd rather be, there's nothing i'd change about myself, as much as i may say there is. deep down, i know i love the person i am.
i'm going to bed. i have to wake up at 9 for work. and yeah that sucks as of now, but months from now it won't matter. it was absolutely worth staying up this late and writing this.
"magic songs."
it's just a list of all the songs on my ipod that i can listen to and float along on a cloud, many of which are the opening or closing tracks of albums, but some are just middle tracks.
i miss the days when all i needed to feel infinite was the song "Existentialism on Prom Night" or "Morningstar" or almost anything on Ready...Break (particularly "If I Die" and "Konstantine") and a late night on the beach.
i was a lot more innocent then. that was two years ago, the summer before sophomore year. even though the first half i had friends and the second half i did not, the whole period seems the same to me now, (which is a brand new development). all i really bother to remember from then were the frequent nights when i'd put on my ipod and walk 10 minutes to the beach, stay there for 20 minutes or so, and walk back. later in the summer that included many failed attempts to take a picture of the ocean in the middle of the night.
i was naive then. just listening to "Straw Dog" or "The New Year" made me feel amazing. infinite really is the only word that captures it, as cliche as it sounds.
the next summer i went to the other side of the beach, and the list of songs expanded to include "Do You Know Who You Are?", "Autumn Leaves Revisited," and "December."
the list is about 30 songs long now, some of which i don't think should be on there because they don't strum my heart strings as well as the older ones did. that may just be because i've gotten older and i've complicated myself, so it no longer takes a good song to float along the ocean. listening to the ones that i used to listen to still does have a similar effect as it used to. i'm going to try listening to them at the beach one night soon, like old times.
i realize now that i really thought about very little on these walks. maybe that's why they were so magical. i deluded myself into thinking that the nights were to think everything out, but really, i was really forgetting all of my worries in favor of silent appreciation of life and its wonders: good music, good weather, solitude, a roaring ocean, the sand beneath my feet, the false feeling that i'm the only person awake in the world.
it was all incredible now that i think about it, and now i'm thinking that those are the moments i'm going to remember about my teen years above all others. nothing i ever did with friends really stands out above those, except for maybe the first day in red bank when i met everyone with zakk.
nevermind, that's not true. there was that phone call i had with merry when i was in a ranch in texas. the phone call where i told merry that i liked guys. i honestly don't remember how i told billy i was gay. i do remember the day at the playground in shark river with billy and val when billy said "i think if evan was gay he would have told me by now." my first concert ever, with billy and dave seeing LTJ at starland. the nights in monmouth beach at 2am when i took photos of nothing at all. warped tour 05 with val. bamboozle 06 with val and alicia. the 2 minutes on the balcony in barcelona at 4am before we left the hotel for the airport (those were indescribably powerful moments). the night in red bank where lauren and i spun around in circles in commerce lot. seeing copeland at the smallest venue ever in hoboken with conway on a school night. the night just recently when a drunk annalisa told me that if i want something beautiful or amazing to happen, i should go make it happen.
this has made me happy. i've always assumed that i was going to look back on my teen years with unpleasant memories, but that's not true. there were plenty of moments that were great, both when i was alone and with people. no, i'm probably not going to look back on my high school days as a great period of my life, but there's still plenty that i'll be able to think back on and smile about.
i'm extremely happy with the way i've led my life. even combined with the far-more-numerous bad moments of my life, i can look back on everything and smile. even the all nighters i pulled the last two years that left me a walking corpse in school so many times. it's all just good memories for some reason, as unpleasant as some of the experiences were. i'm not going to question it. i'm just glad it is that way.
those all nighters. i'd just spend the whole night digging through the internet. i realize now i have an addiction to the internet (it's why i'm up right now), but there's more. it's the same reason i love to drive to nowhere. i just hope i'll come across something incredible. something that will change my perspective on something major. something that will take my breath away. it's the exact same feeling as when i drove at 2am through middlesex county.
i'll probably never find anything that i'm "looking for," but the chase is all i really need. i know that now since i never found anything staying up and hunting through the internet all night, yet i still feel like it wasn't a mistake that i pulled that so many times. it feels like it was justified, and it must be because i was pleasing my inherent thirst to quest and search.
it's also similar to the feeling i get inside the asylum or the cecom building or the big (now gone) mansion in oakhurst. just the idea i could come across something that defies reality somehow, like a link to the past or to something too complex for my brain to comprehend.
it's all quite silly i know, but that doesn't bother me in the least. this is who i am, and i'm so glad it is. there's no person i'd rather be, there's nothing i'd change about myself, as much as i may say there is. deep down, i know i love the person i am.
i'm going to bed. i have to wake up at 9 for work. and yeah that sucks as of now, but months from now it won't matter. it was absolutely worth staying up this late and writing this.