So here we are again.
Those who do not learn from history, they say, are bound to repeat it.
I wonder what I am not learning. I'm going in circles.
I want friends. Why? Because I'm depressed and having friends will make me feel less depressed.
I have trouble getting friends. Why? Because I'm depressed.
I want to be a successful person. Why? So I can feel confident and happy.
What's in the way of my success? My lack of confidence and lack of a positive attitude.
No I've tried the positive attitude thing, it's just... It doesn't last. I tear myself down and keep myself in this cycle.
I've missed classes. That depresses me. Which makes me miss classes.
I try to do little things that make me feel better, but they just depress me too. Like going out to eat. I go out to eat to break out of my isolating, depressing, lie-in-bed-all-day pattern. It gets me out into the sun, it involves food, which is good since by the time I usually go I'm starving since I tend to do nothing all day, including eating. And. This is the funny part. I go for social interaction.
If it was just the food...I can make that myself. Easily. But I go to have someone to talk to. Because there's no danger or risk, and they pretty much have to be nice to me. When I leave, I feel better. Until I look at my account. I spend too much money. Yet another circle.
I spend money on resturaunts to make me feel better, but that costs money, which makes me feel bad because of my intense fear of financial instability.
Here's another one.
I find someone really attractive. Therefore, they're out of my league and I'll never appeal to them. So ... what am I left with? People I don't find attractive? Good strategy.
I can't even be honest to people about what I'm feeling, usually, because I think I'll sound pathetic. I can't even compliment people I admire because I think I'll sound like I'm trying to curry favor, or desperately reach for friendship.
But I am desperate. I don't know how to ... how to DO friendship. I never had friends. I'm learning. Slowly. But not fast enough. THIS IS THE TIME TO MAKE SOCIAL CONNECTIONS.
But no. Not me. I'm an island. I'm a social orphan. I don't even have a family. I have just...me.
How do you go about acquiring a family? There are lots of people I wish I were closer to. How can I make that happen?
Also, why can't I motivate myself to do homework, go to class, even get up in the morning?
I'm tired. Of fighting. Of trying. Of failing. Just tired. Makes it hard to keep trying. But I have to, because it's the only thing keeping me going. The thought that I could have this great life, confidence, friends, happiness, maybe even love. I deserve love, right?
Shaky question. In some sense everyone deserves love. In another...there's only so much to go around. And I'll never get it if I keep pushing people away, or rejecting myself before they have a chance to reject me. But love is not something I am entitled to, it's something I need to seek and find. And offer.
I have love to give. I have appreciation and sincerity. I have honesty, a listening ear, and loyalty. All of which is rarely utilized and find strange outlets, like this journal. Or facebook. Or Everquest. Or therepy. Or lying in bed all day thinking about how truly alone I am.
And how pathetic I sound.
I wonder what I am not learning. I'm going in circles.
I want friends. Why? Because I'm depressed and having friends will make me feel less depressed.
I have trouble getting friends. Why? Because I'm depressed.
I want to be a successful person. Why? So I can feel confident and happy.
What's in the way of my success? My lack of confidence and lack of a positive attitude.
No I've tried the positive attitude thing, it's just... It doesn't last. I tear myself down and keep myself in this cycle.
I've missed classes. That depresses me. Which makes me miss classes.
I try to do little things that make me feel better, but they just depress me too. Like going out to eat. I go out to eat to break out of my isolating, depressing, lie-in-bed-all-day pattern. It gets me out into the sun, it involves food, which is good since by the time I usually go I'm starving since I tend to do nothing all day, including eating. And. This is the funny part. I go for social interaction.
If it was just the food...I can make that myself. Easily. But I go to have someone to talk to. Because there's no danger or risk, and they pretty much have to be nice to me. When I leave, I feel better. Until I look at my account. I spend too much money. Yet another circle.
I spend money on resturaunts to make me feel better, but that costs money, which makes me feel bad because of my intense fear of financial instability.
Here's another one.
I find someone really attractive. Therefore, they're out of my league and I'll never appeal to them. So ... what am I left with? People I don't find attractive? Good strategy.
I can't even be honest to people about what I'm feeling, usually, because I think I'll sound pathetic. I can't even compliment people I admire because I think I'll sound like I'm trying to curry favor, or desperately reach for friendship.
But I am desperate. I don't know how to ... how to DO friendship. I never had friends. I'm learning. Slowly. But not fast enough. THIS IS THE TIME TO MAKE SOCIAL CONNECTIONS.
But no. Not me. I'm an island. I'm a social orphan. I don't even have a family. I have just...me.
How do you go about acquiring a family? There are lots of people I wish I were closer to. How can I make that happen?
Also, why can't I motivate myself to do homework, go to class, even get up in the morning?
I'm tired. Of fighting. Of trying. Of failing. Just tired. Makes it hard to keep trying. But I have to, because it's the only thing keeping me going. The thought that I could have this great life, confidence, friends, happiness, maybe even love. I deserve love, right?
Shaky question. In some sense everyone deserves love. In another...there's only so much to go around. And I'll never get it if I keep pushing people away, or rejecting myself before they have a chance to reject me. But love is not something I am entitled to, it's something I need to seek and find. And offer.
I have love to give. I have appreciation and sincerity. I have honesty, a listening ear, and loyalty. All of which is rarely utilized and find strange outlets, like this journal. Or facebook. Or Everquest. Or therepy. Or lying in bed all day thinking about how truly alone I am.
And how pathetic I sound.