Worry list.
I just want to write out all the crap that's worrying me.
Sorry if it won't be fun or interesting to read. I just want it to be written down somewhere so maybe it won't continue to make me suffer as it stagnates in my conciousness.
First...I need a job. I'm running out of money. I need a job badly. I need money. If I don't have money, I won't have the ability to find a place to live, and therefore I won't have the ability to keep myself from homelessness.
I don't ever, ever want to be homeless again. Horrific experience I don't wish to repeat. You'd think this intense fear would motivate me to action, but instead I feel paralyzed.
Why the fuck is it so hard to get up off my ass and apply?
I've been depressed, but now I have Prozac helping me, so I SHOULD be able to do it.
It's my escapist tendencies. I want to pretend nothing is wrong. That kind of thinking will result in me living on the street.
But when I think about how I'm going to go about this, all the details, like moving my stuff into a new apartment, buying stuff for the apartment, etc... Paying rent... I start to freak out. I can't do it. The task is too big. I need help. I need friends to help. But I'm afraid to make friends. And I'm afraid to ask for help.
So instead, I try to pretend nothing is wrong, and go about my life not worrying about it. Great solution. I'm going to be eating out of a dumpster with that attitude.
No.. No I won't. I won't ever be in that situation. I'd rather die.
I need to get my life in order. I wish I had help, but that's the codependant in me talking. I don't want to depend on people. I need to do this for myself. I need to fix my own life. ...
Fucking parents. Why couldn't I have had normal, supportive parents? Why couldn't I have parents that would prepare me for adult responsibilities?
Anger is a great response...Much better than allowing myself to feel fear. But it's really just fear. I'm petrified. I'm horrified. I'm panicked. Anxious. Nervous. Sick. Helpless. Afraid. Unable to cope.
But I have to. Obviously, I have to. Sink or swim. I can't sink. Not after everything I've been through. Not after everything I've overcome.
It's just these social skills... They're so fucking hard. It's hard enough just to stay in a state of relative sanity (as in 'not depressed') but further I have to make friends, and not only make friends but USE them. To help me. It feels so sick and wrong.
I feel like my mother. ... That's probably my main problem. I don't want to be like my mother and make friends, use them for all their worth, suck them dry financially and emotionally, and then drop them and move on to the next sucker.
I don't know how to relate to people! I don't know how to FUNCTION in society!
I've had NO experience with this! Despite my desperate need not to hurt people like my parents did, I STILL ended up hurting one of my closest friends.
I can't take it. I can't handle it. I'm sinking.
...I need a job. If I had a job, I'd have some money coming in...and money would allow me to have a way to get an apartment, and maybe even have a way to move myself into that apartment. I could hire movers. ... But I'm running out of time. I need a job soon, or else I won't even be able to make enough money to secure my future.
I'm so afraid. Why can't I just act and take care of the problem? Why am I helpless?
Maybe I'm just finally hitting the point where I can't keep going. I fought tooth and nail to escape my family, and get into a good college and make something of myself. Maybe I've just expended all of my energy getting here and I have nothing left.
...That's stupid, defeatist talk. I'm strong, I'm doing better than ever, and I'm taking care of my mental health, finally. I'm running my own life, now, and I'm doing a good job based on what I have to work with. ...
I just need to get a job. It's not even that hard. What is stopping me? Nothing. I'm stopping me. I need to just get up off my ass and apply to as many places as I can, secure a positive cashflow, and work as much as I can to get myself out of this hole. It's that simple. I just need to do it. Put up or shut up. Sink or swim.
I can't put it off any longer. I can't let myself keep sinking. I need to get back to the surface. I need to get back in control.
Sorry if it won't be fun or interesting to read. I just want it to be written down somewhere so maybe it won't continue to make me suffer as it stagnates in my conciousness.
First...I need a job. I'm running out of money. I need a job badly. I need money. If I don't have money, I won't have the ability to find a place to live, and therefore I won't have the ability to keep myself from homelessness.
I don't ever, ever want to be homeless again. Horrific experience I don't wish to repeat. You'd think this intense fear would motivate me to action, but instead I feel paralyzed.
Why the fuck is it so hard to get up off my ass and apply?
I've been depressed, but now I have Prozac helping me, so I SHOULD be able to do it.
It's my escapist tendencies. I want to pretend nothing is wrong. That kind of thinking will result in me living on the street.
But when I think about how I'm going to go about this, all the details, like moving my stuff into a new apartment, buying stuff for the apartment, etc... Paying rent... I start to freak out. I can't do it. The task is too big. I need help. I need friends to help. But I'm afraid to make friends. And I'm afraid to ask for help.
So instead, I try to pretend nothing is wrong, and go about my life not worrying about it. Great solution. I'm going to be eating out of a dumpster with that attitude.
No.. No I won't. I won't ever be in that situation. I'd rather die.
I need to get my life in order. I wish I had help, but that's the codependant in me talking. I don't want to depend on people. I need to do this for myself. I need to fix my own life. ...
Fucking parents. Why couldn't I have had normal, supportive parents? Why couldn't I have parents that would prepare me for adult responsibilities?
Anger is a great response...Much better than allowing myself to feel fear. But it's really just fear. I'm petrified. I'm horrified. I'm panicked. Anxious. Nervous. Sick. Helpless. Afraid. Unable to cope.
But I have to. Obviously, I have to. Sink or swim. I can't sink. Not after everything I've been through. Not after everything I've overcome.
It's just these social skills... They're so fucking hard. It's hard enough just to stay in a state of relative sanity (as in 'not depressed') but further I have to make friends, and not only make friends but USE them. To help me. It feels so sick and wrong.
I feel like my mother. ... That's probably my main problem. I don't want to be like my mother and make friends, use them for all their worth, suck them dry financially and emotionally, and then drop them and move on to the next sucker.
I don't know how to relate to people! I don't know how to FUNCTION in society!
I've had NO experience with this! Despite my desperate need not to hurt people like my parents did, I STILL ended up hurting one of my closest friends.
I can't take it. I can't handle it. I'm sinking.
...I need a job. If I had a job, I'd have some money coming in...and money would allow me to have a way to get an apartment, and maybe even have a way to move myself into that apartment. I could hire movers. ... But I'm running out of time. I need a job soon, or else I won't even be able to make enough money to secure my future.
I'm so afraid. Why can't I just act and take care of the problem? Why am I helpless?
Maybe I'm just finally hitting the point where I can't keep going. I fought tooth and nail to escape my family, and get into a good college and make something of myself. Maybe I've just expended all of my energy getting here and I have nothing left.
...That's stupid, defeatist talk. I'm strong, I'm doing better than ever, and I'm taking care of my mental health, finally. I'm running my own life, now, and I'm doing a good job based on what I have to work with. ...
I just need to get a job. It's not even that hard. What is stopping me? Nothing. I'm stopping me. I need to just get up off my ass and apply to as many places as I can, secure a positive cashflow, and work as much as I can to get myself out of this hole. It's that simple. I just need to do it. Put up or shut up. Sink or swim.
I can't put it off any longer. I can't let myself keep sinking. I need to get back to the surface. I need to get back in control.