Do you hear what I hear?
When someone said to me the other day, “Oh, your name is Noelle? You must have been born at Christmas!” (NO), I knew it was about time for me to break out my yearly rant about how much I hate Christmas music. Enjoy my vitriol!
This year, I need to start with a song I can’t believe I’ve never mentioned before: “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,” a.k.a., the Most Annoying Song Ever. I call it that because, while a really bad version of another song may be worse than a “good” version of this song, a bad version of “Two Front Teeth” can blow any other bad song straight out of the water. Seriously, a bad version of this song can make the Alvin & the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t Be Late” seem a joyous auditory experience.
Why does this song suck so much? Is it the fact that it’s almost always sung in a grating falsetto by a dude who has not lost any teeth in over 30 years? Is it the fact that when it is sung by a child, I always picture an obnoxious, mugging child actor who will never get a job past puberty? Is it because the song’s tone makes me want to tell the little brat that the Tooth Fairy is his parents, and, oh yeah, guess what? SANTA IS TOO! Mwahahahaha. Is it because my heart is cold and dead as a shriveled peach stone and I can’t appreciate the joy and magic of Christmas?
Possibly. But the other things are probably true, too.
And just because I love you, here is the Alvin & the Chipmunks version of “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth." I know this may make it look like I hate you, but believe me: there are far, far worse versions out there.
UNPOPULAR OPINION: I find the Trans Siberian Orchestra to be vastly overrated. Don’t get me wrong: they do good instrumental versions of popular Christmas carols. I just don’t find them as mind-blowingly awesome as some people seem to. Congratulations, you can play traditional tunes in a vaguely rockin’ way. Truly, this is novel blend of the new and old.
This dislike may just be a case of radio overplay, since my local station has decided that their version of “Carol of the Bells” is the only version they will be playing this year. This pisses me right off because the “Carol of the Bells” is one of those songs that always works better with the words. Not because of the lyrics (I am not about to claim that “ding dong, ding dong, that is their song” is lyrical genius), but because of how they are sung. You need lots of people singing over and with each other for a really good version, and I miss that in the Trans Siberian Orchestra version.
I can’t find a truly crappy version of this song on Youtube, so just turn your radio on. Something by them will be on at any second.
Another song I that is driving me crazy this year is “Same Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. I think we need to address what makes something a Christmas song. Does it have to be written for Christmas? About Christmas? Is simply referencing Christmas enough?
I have asked myself this question about other media in the past, specifically a “Christmas collection” of Charles Dickens stories. That book had one story that was actually about Christmas (I’m sure you can guess which one). Another was technically about New Year’s Eve, so I was willing to give them some leeway on that, but the last story was about an entire year. Only a single scene took place at Christmas, which I felt was pushing the definition of Christmas story-ness.
Anyway, back to Dan Fogelberg. This song takes place on Christmas Eve, but it’s really not about Christmas. It really could take place at any time of year, as it’s pretty much about getting drunk. In that respect, it does make a clever reference to “Auld Lang Syne,” as that song is about drinking in times of joy, and this song is about drinking because you suck at relationships. It’s one of those emotionally manipulative songs where you’re supposed to feel sorry for the characters, but just end up hating everybody for being so unable to get on with their lives that they’re sitting in a supermarket parking lot getting drunk with their high school sweetheart. I suppose I’m feeling generous enough to admit that at least it’s not twee, unlike that ridiculous “Christmas Shoes” song I hated on last year.
Here’s a video of Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Auld Lang Syne” where the creator seemed to take the drinking theme to heart by warping every shot into this weird beer goggle like mess.
Phew. I’m actually feeling much better about Christmas now, though that may just be the fact that I’ve gotten about 90% of my shopping done already. Regardless, I'm so mellow that I'm ready for any jokes you might have about my name. Fire away.
Happy Holidays, and may all your Christmas songs be the good versions!
This year, I need to start with a song I can’t believe I’ve never mentioned before: “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,” a.k.a., the Most Annoying Song Ever. I call it that because, while a really bad version of another song may be worse than a “good” version of this song, a bad version of “Two Front Teeth” can blow any other bad song straight out of the water. Seriously, a bad version of this song can make the Alvin & the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t Be Late” seem a joyous auditory experience.
Why does this song suck so much? Is it the fact that it’s almost always sung in a grating falsetto by a dude who has not lost any teeth in over 30 years? Is it the fact that when it is sung by a child, I always picture an obnoxious, mugging child actor who will never get a job past puberty? Is it because the song’s tone makes me want to tell the little brat that the Tooth Fairy is his parents, and, oh yeah, guess what? SANTA IS TOO! Mwahahahaha. Is it because my heart is cold and dead as a shriveled peach stone and I can’t appreciate the joy and magic of Christmas?
Possibly. But the other things are probably true, too.
And just because I love you, here is the Alvin & the Chipmunks version of “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth." I know this may make it look like I hate you, but believe me: there are far, far worse versions out there.
UNPOPULAR OPINION: I find the Trans Siberian Orchestra to be vastly overrated. Don’t get me wrong: they do good instrumental versions of popular Christmas carols. I just don’t find them as mind-blowingly awesome as some people seem to. Congratulations, you can play traditional tunes in a vaguely rockin’ way. Truly, this is novel blend of the new and old.
This dislike may just be a case of radio overplay, since my local station has decided that their version of “Carol of the Bells” is the only version they will be playing this year. This pisses me right off because the “Carol of the Bells” is one of those songs that always works better with the words. Not because of the lyrics (I am not about to claim that “ding dong, ding dong, that is their song” is lyrical genius), but because of how they are sung. You need lots of people singing over and with each other for a really good version, and I miss that in the Trans Siberian Orchestra version.
I can’t find a truly crappy version of this song on Youtube, so just turn your radio on. Something by them will be on at any second.
Another song I that is driving me crazy this year is “Same Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. I think we need to address what makes something a Christmas song. Does it have to be written for Christmas? About Christmas? Is simply referencing Christmas enough?
I have asked myself this question about other media in the past, specifically a “Christmas collection” of Charles Dickens stories. That book had one story that was actually about Christmas (I’m sure you can guess which one). Another was technically about New Year’s Eve, so I was willing to give them some leeway on that, but the last story was about an entire year. Only a single scene took place at Christmas, which I felt was pushing the definition of Christmas story-ness.
Anyway, back to Dan Fogelberg. This song takes place on Christmas Eve, but it’s really not about Christmas. It really could take place at any time of year, as it’s pretty much about getting drunk. In that respect, it does make a clever reference to “Auld Lang Syne,” as that song is about drinking in times of joy, and this song is about drinking because you suck at relationships. It’s one of those emotionally manipulative songs where you’re supposed to feel sorry for the characters, but just end up hating everybody for being so unable to get on with their lives that they’re sitting in a supermarket parking lot getting drunk with their high school sweetheart. I suppose I’m feeling generous enough to admit that at least it’s not twee, unlike that ridiculous “Christmas Shoes” song I hated on last year.
Here’s a video of Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Auld Lang Syne” where the creator seemed to take the drinking theme to heart by warping every shot into this weird beer goggle like mess.
Phew. I’m actually feeling much better about Christmas now, though that may just be the fact that I’ve gotten about 90% of my shopping done already. Regardless, I'm so mellow that I'm ready for any jokes you might have about my name. Fire away.
Happy Holidays, and may all your Christmas songs be the good versions!