Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Breadbox Edition
This is the sixth time I've tried to put this story up. I hate lots of things (though not EVERYTHING). I think the Powers that Be do not particularly like this story. I can hardly blame them, as I this is not my favorite either. I sound so bitter. And I'm really not. Cynical and sarcastic, yes, but not bitter. Anyway, here's the last HP BBE in my set. At least I'll have the accomplishment of finally putting them all up under my belt.
(Author’s Note: Please note that Harry Potter is not mine, but the property of J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers and all related affiliates. I only do this because I’m a fan with too much spare time. Actually, that’s not exactly true. I have no spare time, but I do it anyway. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who does not heed this warning is responsible for their own indignation. As always, my thanks to the Editing Room for the inspiration. Special thanks to the Marty, for seeing this with me, and for suggestions.)
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. SAME PLACE ALL THESE MOVIES START
DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON
I hope everyone here has read the book. Otherwise, you’re
probably going to get a little confused.
HARRY POTTER inflates AUNT MARGE. In the BOOK, this was an opportunity to develop his CHARACTER.
HARRY
Sadly, we don’t have time for that. We just need
to get on to the next plot point.
AUDIENCE
We have, however, learned that Harry has a slight owl obsession.
Seriously, buy posters of girls, or sport teams, or something.
MR. DURSLEY
You’re going to get in so much trouble! You’re not
allowed to do magic out of school.
HARRY
How would you know that? The Ministry didn’t do anything
last time magic was performed in this house anyway.
HARRY runs away.
BIG BLACK DOG
Yeah, I’m not evil. I actually just want to see Harry.
But you’d think I’d realize that I look pretty frightening.
SURPRISED by DOG, HARRY accidentally summons the KNIGHT BUS. However, he does not seem SURPRISED to see it.
SHRIVELED HEAD
I’m comedy!
DIRECTOR CUARON
I want to be Tim Burton.
HARRY gets picked up in DIAGON ALLEY by NOSFERATU.
NOSFERATU
Die, Harker!
HARRY
Uh, Harry.
NOSFERATU
Sorry, wrong story.
HARRY meets CORNELIUS FUDGE who HARRY is also NOT SURPRISED to see.
HARRY
Hey, I read the book.
FUDGE
I decided clashing pinstripes were so last year.
HARRY
So, am I in trouble?
FUDGE
Oh no. Why would you be? You’re famous, we’ve never enforced
the rule before, and we’re pretty ineffectual over at the Ministry anyway.
Well, you’re off to school tomorrow!
HARRY
Tomorrow? But how will I…?
FUDGE
Don’t worry. Your books are over there, your owl is over here,
and your little friends will be showing up shortly.
The BEGINNING of the BOOK zooms past the AUDIENCE so fast, their HEADS SPIN.
INT. LEAKY CAULDRON
HERMIONE GRANGER
Hi, Harry. We’re here, as promised. Pay attention to the
quick mention of Crookshanks.
RON WEASLEY
Look, Harry. The newspaper covered my family’s trip
to Egypt. Don’t ask why.
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
We’ve caught a severe case of British Guy Hair!
MR. WEASLEY
Harry, I thought you should know Sirius Black is looking for you.
HARRY
The guy on all the posters?
SIRIUS BLACK POSTER
I’M NOT OVERACTING!
INT. HOGWART’S EXPRESS
Everything’s FINE for a while, but then…
DEMENTOR
Shire…Baggins…
HARRY
Argh! Flashbacks…making me…pass out!
REMUS LUPIN
Mighty Moustache Attack!
DEMENTOR flees in TERROR of the MOUSTACHE.
CUE: STUPID PASS OUT WIPE
HARRY
I passed out? Oh man, I sense major emotional
turmoil in my future.
LUPIN
Hello, Harry. I’m going to help you through that turmoil.
DIRECTOR CUARON
Now, what can I do to make this movie more artsy? I know!
I’ll film reflections! That’ll confuse people!
INT. GREAT HALL
The HOGWARTS JAZZ CHOIR performs for the FIRST TIME EVER.
HARRY
Hagrid’s a professor now. And one of the four people
the Audience will be able to identify at the Head Table.
AUDIENCE
Hogwarts has some serious professor turnover.
DRACO MALFOY
My hair is no longer aerodynamic, but I’m still a jerk.
PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE provides some HALF-BAKED MORALS.
INT. CLASSES
PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY
I used to be a Shakespearean actor.
REST OF ADULT CAST
Join the club.
POOF! HERMIONE appears.
HERMIONE
Nothing, nothing.
RON
Am I the only one who sees this?
TRELAWNEY
Harry is in deep, terrible, kinda vague trouble.
HARRY
Oh, like it takes a seer to figure that out. When am I not?
EXT. THE HILL DOWN TO…HAGRID’S HUT?
AUDIENCE
Was that always there?
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE talk about something that is PROBABLY IMPORTANT, but the AUDIENCE doesn’t care because…
AUDIENCE
Bunny!
HAGRID
As this is my first class, I feel the need to put Harry in
an awkward position. Say hello to Buckbeak.
BUCKBEAK
Hey. I’m pretty cool looking, no?
HARRY
You’re probably the best CGI I’ve ever ridden.
FIRENZE
Hey!
HARRY, being the HERO, easily tames BUCKBEAK. He gets a nice ride, showing off the BEAUTIFUL SCENERY.
AUDIENCE
*tastefully refrains from making a Titanic joke*
MALFOY, not being the hero, immediately does SOMETHING STUPID.
BUCKBEAK
Idiot child.
MALFOY
Oww!
AUDIENCE
When did Malfoy become such a wuss?
MALFOY
Die, birdy-thing!
HARRY
Oh, that’s no good.
INT. DARK ARTS CLASSROOM
LUPIN
Guess what? You all get to face your fears!
CLASS
*not so thrilled*
LUPIN
But you get to make them funny!
CLASS
*still not so thrilled*
LUPIN
I know what will lighten your mood…swing music!
AUDIENCE
Hipster.
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
I’m afraid of Snape.
SNAPE in a DRESS!
AUDIENCE
Movie = made.
FAKE SNAPE
This hat with that bag?
OTHERS make fear funny. PARVATI manages to make her fear induced snake EVEN SCARIER.
HARRY
Now what am I afraid of…
DEMENTOR
Hey.
VOLDEMORT
…the hell? Kid, I killed your parents! Fear me! I’m scary! Grrrr…
LUPIN
None of that. Let’s let the Audience get a good
look at what I fear.
EXT. A…BRIDGE?
AUDIENCE
Did Dumbledore decide to make some additions over the summer?
A bridge, move the Whomping Willow, maybe a nice porch?
LUPIN
Harry, you are afraid of fear itself.
HARRY
Thank you, FDR.
LUPIN
Harry, you’re so like your father. And your mother.
She was so nice to me. Such a good, beautiful woman.
AUDIENCE
Um…is this a Lupin/Lily moment? ‘Cause I don’t know
how to feel about that.
INT. HOGWARTS
THE FAT LADY
Sirius Black!
DUMBLEDORE
Oh, yes. That’s the main plot.
INT. GREAT HALL SLUMBER PARTY!
DUMBLEDORE
We’re only feet away from Harry. Let’s talk about him.
SNAPE
Yes, there’s no possible way he could be awake.
DUMBLEDORE
Let’s not worry Harry. Instead, let me say vague,
ridiculous things that sound deep until you think about
them. Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars.
AUDIENCE
Hear that noise? That’s the script sucking even more
life out of Dumbledore.
SNAPE
I’m sorry, are you still talking to me?
INT. DARK ARTS CLASSROOM
SNAPE
I’m teaching today, and you all know what that means…
HARRY
Pain?
RON
Suffering?
SNAPE
…SLIDE SHOW!
AUDIENCE
The amazing, magical, not at all Muggle…slide projector!
SNAPE
I’m skipping ahead in your lessons to werewolves.
I have no ulterior motive whatsoever. This is not
part of the plot.
AUDIENCE
Everything is part of the plot. There’s no time for
extraneous material. This isn’t Prisoner of Azkaban
inasmuch as it is “Best of: Prisoner of Azkaban.”
HERMIONE appears out of nowhere again.
AUDIENCE (cont.)
See! We just have plot all over the place!
MALFOY sends HARRY a little flying note.
HARRY
*reading*
“Do you like me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’”.
EXT. QUDDITCH
AUDIENCE is amazed WIZARDS have lasted as long as they have considering they don’t call their FLYING SPORT EVENTS even on account of LIGHTNING.
HARRY
I have flying goggles! Great idea! I wonder
why no one has thought of this before!
HARRY chases the SNITCH with someone who is PRESUMABLY CEDRIC DIGGORY.
PRESUMABLY CEDRIC
Oh no! No one says my name and I get struck by lightning!
AUDIENCE
At least Cho got cut.
DEMENTORS attack. HARRY passes out, cueing another STUPID WIPE.
INT. HOSPITAL WING
HARRY
What happened?
HERMIONE
Presumably Cedric presumably caught the snitch. Though
I can’t say his name, so I can’t come right out and tell you this.
RON
Also, your broom broke.
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
And everyone saw you fall because of the dementors.
THINGS SUCK for HARRY.
EXT. WOODS
HARRY
Lupin, things suck for me.
LUPIN
Why do you keep following me around?
HARRY
What can I do about it?
LUPIN
If you promise to leave me alone for a few scenes,
I’ll help you later.
HARRY and LUPIN find what they were looking for, which was apparently HEDWIG.
HEDWIG
Can’t I lose this boy for ten minutes? I was supposed to meet
Crookshanks for a meeting of the Diminished Animal Characters Guild.
I’ll just fly into the next season to be rid of him.
HEDWIG flies into the NEXT SCENE only to find HARRY waiting for her.
HEDWIG(cont.)
ARGH!
EXT. CLOCKTOWER - WINTER
HARRY
…the hell did this giant clock come from?
DIRECTOR CUARON
Isn’t it cool?
IT IS, until the PENDULUM WHACKS some UNSUSPECTING STUDENT.
HARRY
I’m bored and lonely. I think I’ll try and sneak
into Hogsmeade.
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Oh, no you don’t. We haven’t given you a key
element of the plot yet.
GEORGE AND/OR FRED
Here is the Marauders’ Map.
HARRY
Who are the Marauders?
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Shhhh! Don’t ask that question! Just use it to sneak into
Hogsmeade. Its real significance will be apparent later.
INT. HOGSMEADE
HARRY puts on his INVISIBLITY CLOAK and walks into THINGS.
AUDIENCE
Why do invisible people immediately become clumsy?
HARRY
Hey, do you want to look at an empty set for ten minutes?
HARRY finds HERMIONE and RON, who are having a MOMENT. BUT MALFOY shows up.
AUDIENCE
Nice hat, Malfoyowski.
MALFOYOWSKI
Blah, blah, blah. I’m better than you. Blah, blah.
You know, the stuff I usually say. Et cetera, et cetera.
HERMIONE AND RON
*Yawn*
MALFOYOWSKI
And now…WE DANCE!
SNOWBALLS fly out of NOWHERE to hit MALFOYOWSKI. He runs off, but not to tell SNAPE.
RON
Oh no! Snowball throwing ghosts!
HERMIONE
Shut up, Ron. Hi, Harry. Want to go into town
to get more pertinent plot related information?
HARRY
Will it depress me?
HERMIONE
Yep.
HARRY
Let’s go!
INT. HOGSMEADE
HARRY and FRIENDS see HAGRID, MCGONAGALL, FUDGE, and other IMPORTANT PEOPLE hanging around talking about HARRY.
FUDGE
Let’s talk about the plot to Madam Rosmerta.
AUDIENCE
Because she really needs to know.
HARRY sneaks in because he’s INVISIBLE, and because NO ONE notices how CLUMSY he’s suddenly become.
FUDGE
Yes. Sirius Black is responsible for the Potters’ death.
And for Peter Pettigrew’s death.
ROSMERTA
Peter Pettigrew?
MCGONAGALL
Yes. Peter Pettigrew.
FUDGE
Is that name engraved in the Audience’s heads yet?
MCGONAGALL
Sirius Black was their friend, and … Harry’s godfather.
AUDIENCE
Dun, dun, DUN!
HAGRID
Why, if Harry were here right now, he’d run out
of the room, crying and swearing revenge.
HARRY runs out of the room, CRYING and SWEARING REVENGE.
INT. LUPIN’S OFFICE
AUDIENCE
Spine? Anyone need a new spine?
HARRY
Lupin, be father figure-esque and teach me to deal
with my fears.
LUPIN
Okay, Harry. I guess I will teach the most important
key element of the plotline: Expecto patronum.
HARRY
Expecto patronum.
LUPIN
Excellent! You are able to repeat after me!
AUDIENCE
Wow, Lupin. You don’t have high expectations
for your students, do you?
LUPIN
Listen very carefully to my voice. Think of a happy memory…
Thiiiiink…relaaaax…happiness is the keeey. Now… SLEEP!
HARRY
What?
LUPIN
Sorry. Just use your happiness to fight the dementor.
HARRY FAILS.
LUPIN (cont.)
Well, that won’t do.
HARRY
Well, it’s not like I’m a wealth of happy memories over here.
HARRY manages to come up with a HAPPY THOUGHT, and is able to FLY, I mean, FIGHT the DEMENTOR.
LUPIN
Excellent! What memory did you use?
HARRY
A memory of my parents that doesn’t actually exist.
LUPIN/AUDIENCE
Oh. Okay.
EXT. HAGRID’S HUT
HAGRID
Buckbeak’s gonna die!
HARRY ET AL
Oh no!
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, SCABBERS also dies.
AUDIENCE
Riiiiight.
DIRECTOR CUARON
And now back to your regularly scheduled movie.
INT. HOGWARTS - NIGHT
RON has the BEST JOKE of the movie right before things get TENSE.
HARRY
Peter Pettigrew? That was the name Fudge kept drilling into
my head. But he’s wandering the halls of Hogwarts?
I thought he was dead.
AUDIENCE
*rolls eyes*
HARRY
I better investigate and not tell anyone.
AUDIENCE
So much would be prevented in the Harry Potter Universe
if only people would tell each other things.
HARRY doesn’t find PETER. He does find SNAPE, however.
SNAPE
What are you doing wandering around at night?
HARRY
What am I doing? What are you doing? At least the
Audience knows what my rationale is.
SNAPE
I…er…I’M BATMAN!
HARRY
Would you please point your lens flare on a stick elsewhere?
AUDIENCE
Someone has a copy of Photoshop.
SNAPE
Hey, what’s that in your hand?
SUDDENLY, SNAPE deteriorates into SELF-PARODY.
SNAPE (cont.)
ACTING!
LUPIN
What’s going on here?
AUDIENCE
Is everyone just wandering the halls tonight?
SNAPE
*ACTS*
LUPIN
Riiiiight. Let’s all just go elsewhere.
LUPIN leads HARRY away. SNAPE puts out his LENS FLARE and wanders off in the PITCH DARK.
LUPIN
As your pseudo-father figure, I’m very disappointed in you,
Harry. I’m not giving your map back.
HARRY
How did you know it was a map?
LUPIN
Shhhh! Don’t ask that question.
HARRY
Okay. Oh, and, Peter Pettigrew.
LUPIN
Say what?
INT. DIVINATION
TRELAWNEY is also funny before things get TENSE.
HERMIONE
Divination is all bull. I’m insulted and I’m leaving.
Come on, ball. Let’s go.
HARRY and RON are not SMART ENOUGH to leave until the end of class.
HARRY
Ron, I have to go back to the classroom for a moment.
You know, so something important to the plot can happen.
TRELAWNEY
*gets freaky and prophesizes*
AUDIENCE
Run, Harry! Run!
HARRY
…I hate my life.
DIRECTOR CUARON
Of course, no one is going to mention this prophecy ever again.
EXT. HAGRID’S HOUSE
DIRECTOR CUARON
Look! Crows! Am I Tim Burton yet?
MALFOY attempts to ASSERT HIMSELF, but winds up whining and cringing. AGAIN.
HERMIONE
*whack*
MALFOY
Oww!
AUDIENCE
Nancy.
HARRY, HERMIONE and RON attempt to comfort HAGRID because BUCKBEAK is about to DIE.
WEIRD THINGS happen.
HARRY
Huh.
HERMIONE
Huh.
RON
Huh?
HAGRID gives RON back SCABBERS.
HAGRID
Don’t know how I found him.
HAGRID ushers THE GANG out before they get in MORE TROUBLE.
SCABBERS
Screw you guys.
*bites Ron*
RON chases SCABBERS to the next scene.
EXT. WHOMPING WILLOW
RON
Hey, did it just get darker?
The BIG BLACK DOG drags off RON under the WHOMPING WILLOW.
WHOMPING WILLOW
Oh, that’s right. I’m supposed to hit people.
HARRY/HERMIONE
Ouch!
HARRY has a VELMA moment, but manages to NOT BREAK his glasses for once.
HERMIONE knocks HARRY under the WILLOW, and somehow manages to fall in right behind him, even though she was still SWINGING moments before.
INT. THE SHRIEKING SHACK
RON
It’s a trap!
SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!
LUPIN!
LUPIN
Sirius, my friend!
SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!
HERMIONE
Oh, that’s it! Where wolf? THERE wolf!
LUPIN
Sirius isn’t bad.
SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!
LUPIN
Sirius, you’re not helping.
AUDIENCE
Maybe if you stopped acting so sinister for a moment
and explained, the children wouldn’t be frightened
out of their minds. And ready to kill you.
LUPIN
Peter Pettigrew killed your parents, Harry.
HARRY
Say what?
SNAPE! And, yes, he’s still ACTING.
SNAPE
I hate everyone!
SNAPE fuels the belief that LUPIN and SIRIUS are OTP.
SNAPE
I bet the dementors are just dying to give you a kiss, Sirius.
SIRIUS
Kissing? Icky!
HARRY
I need to sort this out so I’ll guess I’ll just…
BLAST SNAPE!
LUPIN
Peter Pettigrew is Ron’s rat.
RON
…I hate my life.
PETER is, IN FACT, SCABBERS.
PETER
I even look like a rat. Considering Lupin and Sirius’s
appearances, we must have been the ugliest group of
friends ever.
SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone…PETER!
AUDIENCE
Oh, now you explain.
HARRY
No, no more murder.
PETER
I’m not going to die!
HARRY
No, I’ll just give you to the dementors, who will suck
out your soul. Which, when you think about it, is worse.
EXT. WHOMPING WILLOW
AUDIENCE
Did they leave Snape…? Yes. Yes, they did.
WHOMPING WILLOW
Do I hit people now?
DIRECTOR CUARON
Not now.
HARRY and SIRIUS have a SWEET MOMENT. HERMIONE and RON have a SWEET MOMENT.
AUDIENCE
Awwwww…
HERMIONE
Hey, the moon!
LUPIN
Oh, yeah. Whoops.
LUPIN turns into what I’M GOING TO ASSUME is a WEREWOLF.
PETER
*runs like the little rat he is*
SNAPE
I can’t believe you left me…oh, werewolf.
I hate my life.
SIRIUS turns into the BIG BLACK DOG and chases off LUPIN.
HARRY
I am so concerned about Sirius, who I thought was
trying to kill me only ten minutes ago, that I will chase
after him and the werewolf, despite the fact I have a
snowball’s chance against Lupin.
SNAPE
Wait. Don’t. Stop.
AUDIENCE
Way to protect your students, Snape.
HARRY suddenly realizes that this was NOT THE BEST PLAN.
OTHER WEREWOLF
Aaoooow!
LUPIN
Kill the kid…or get some…hmmm…
LUPIN decides PROCREATION triumphs over DESTRUCTION.
HARRY
Whew. Sirius is injured, but everything will be all right now.
Of course, IT WON’T.
DEMENTORS
Give us the Halfling!
HARRY
Oh, crap.
DEMENTORS start to SUCK out SIRIUS’S SOUL.
AUDIENCE
Sirius has winterfresh breath!
HARRY and SIRIUS are saved by a STAG.
HARRY
Now cue the scene change wipe!
INT. HOSPITAL WING
HARRY
I think I saw my Dad!
HERMIONE
Oh, boy. He’s finally snapped.
DUMBLEDORE
Sirius is locked in the Dark Tower and is sentenced
to have his soul removed.
AUDIENCE
Hogwarts has a “Dark Tower?”
DUMBLEDORE
I’m fairly certain you can save everyone, as always.
Hermione knows how.
HARRY
What’s he talking about?
HERMIONE
I can travel back in time. That’s why I keep
appearing everywhere.
AUDIENCE
Blah, blah, blah. We already know this. Move on!
EXT. STUFF THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENED
Everything happens AGAIN, but this time, the WEIRD STUFF makes SENSE.
HARRY
First, we save Buckbeak.
HERMIONE
We’re going to be seen!
DUMBLEDORE
Now if you look over there, you’ll see a large
number of highly distracting things.
HARRY and HERMIONE rescue BUCKBEAK.
DUMBLEDORE
Excellent. Hagrid, let’s party.
The kids now WAIT AROUND.
HARRY
After Sirius is free, we’re going to get a house in
the country. With a white picket fence, and tulip boxes
in the windows, and a dog.
HERMIONE
I think the dog part is covered.
HARRY
Whoops, time to save ourselves.
HERMIONE saves HARRY from LUPIN by HOWLING.
AUDIENCE
So, werewolves don’t respond only to the call of their
own kind inasmuch as they respond to the call of
anyone attempting to sound like one of their kind.
LUPIN
Wait a minute. That’s not a werewolf! My bad.
HERMIONE and HARRY realize this was NOT THE BEST PLAN.
HARRY
We seem to have a lot of those tonight.
AUDIENCE
You guys should really know better than to
back through a forest.
LUPIN
Okay, this time nothing will save you.
BUCKBEAK
*whack*
LUPIN
…except the giant hippogriff.
HARRY
Thanks, Buckbeak. Now I’m going to see my Dad.
NO, he’s not.
HARRY
Oh, wait. I saved me. Then what was with the stag?
I should ask Lupin later. When he’s not trying to kill me.
They rescue SIRIUS.
HERMIONE
Why does Hogwarts need a locked prison at the top
of a tall tower? Are murderous felons a frequent problem?
SIRIUS
Thank you for saving me. And don’t worry, Harry.
Your parents are always with you. Right here in
your chest cavity.
HARRY
Don’t touch me.
BUCKBEAK and SIRIUS are saved from certain DEATH.
DUMBLEDORE
*bland moralizing*
INT. LUPIN’S OFFICE - NEXT DAY
LUPIN
I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Just nearly got
killed by every creature I came across last night.
HARRY
I wish you didn’t have to leave. I liked following you
everywhere. So, care to explain who the Marauders were?
LUPIN
No, I do not. Here’s the map back though. You’ll need
it for the next movie. Goodbye.
INT. GREAT HALL
RON
Hi, Harry! I still have no idea what’s going on, but
you got a Firebolt!
HERMIONE
From Sirius. Too bad this plot development was changed
into a cheap happy ending.
HARRY
Who cares? I can end the movie with an awkward closeup!
(Author’s Note: Please note that Harry Potter is not mine, but the property of J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers and all related affiliates. I only do this because I’m a fan with too much spare time. Actually, that’s not exactly true. I have no spare time, but I do it anyway. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who does not heed this warning is responsible for their own indignation. As always, my thanks to the Editing Room for the inspiration. Special thanks to the Marty, for seeing this with me, and for suggestions.)
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. SAME PLACE ALL THESE MOVIES START
DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON
I hope everyone here has read the book. Otherwise, you’re
probably going to get a little confused.
HARRY POTTER inflates AUNT MARGE. In the BOOK, this was an opportunity to develop his CHARACTER.
HARRY
Sadly, we don’t have time for that. We just need
to get on to the next plot point.
AUDIENCE
We have, however, learned that Harry has a slight owl obsession.
Seriously, buy posters of girls, or sport teams, or something.
MR. DURSLEY
You’re going to get in so much trouble! You’re not
allowed to do magic out of school.
HARRY
How would you know that? The Ministry didn’t do anything
last time magic was performed in this house anyway.
HARRY runs away.
BIG BLACK DOG
Yeah, I’m not evil. I actually just want to see Harry.
But you’d think I’d realize that I look pretty frightening.
SURPRISED by DOG, HARRY accidentally summons the KNIGHT BUS. However, he does not seem SURPRISED to see it.
SHRIVELED HEAD
I’m comedy!
DIRECTOR CUARON
I want to be Tim Burton.
HARRY gets picked up in DIAGON ALLEY by NOSFERATU.
NOSFERATU
Die, Harker!
HARRY
Uh, Harry.
NOSFERATU
Sorry, wrong story.
HARRY meets CORNELIUS FUDGE who HARRY is also NOT SURPRISED to see.
HARRY
Hey, I read the book.
FUDGE
I decided clashing pinstripes were so last year.
HARRY
So, am I in trouble?
FUDGE
Oh no. Why would you be? You’re famous, we’ve never enforced
the rule before, and we’re pretty ineffectual over at the Ministry anyway.
Well, you’re off to school tomorrow!
HARRY
Tomorrow? But how will I…?
FUDGE
Don’t worry. Your books are over there, your owl is over here,
and your little friends will be showing up shortly.
The BEGINNING of the BOOK zooms past the AUDIENCE so fast, their HEADS SPIN.
INT. LEAKY CAULDRON
HERMIONE GRANGER
Hi, Harry. We’re here, as promised. Pay attention to the
quick mention of Crookshanks.
RON WEASLEY
Look, Harry. The newspaper covered my family’s trip
to Egypt. Don’t ask why.
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
We’ve caught a severe case of British Guy Hair!
MR. WEASLEY
Harry, I thought you should know Sirius Black is looking for you.
HARRY
The guy on all the posters?
SIRIUS BLACK POSTER
I’M NOT OVERACTING!
INT. HOGWART’S EXPRESS
Everything’s FINE for a while, but then…
DEMENTOR
Shire…Baggins…
HARRY
Argh! Flashbacks…making me…pass out!
REMUS LUPIN
Mighty Moustache Attack!
DEMENTOR flees in TERROR of the MOUSTACHE.
CUE: STUPID PASS OUT WIPE
HARRY
I passed out? Oh man, I sense major emotional
turmoil in my future.
LUPIN
Hello, Harry. I’m going to help you through that turmoil.
DIRECTOR CUARON
Now, what can I do to make this movie more artsy? I know!
I’ll film reflections! That’ll confuse people!
INT. GREAT HALL
The HOGWARTS JAZZ CHOIR performs for the FIRST TIME EVER.
HARRY
Hagrid’s a professor now. And one of the four people
the Audience will be able to identify at the Head Table.
AUDIENCE
Hogwarts has some serious professor turnover.
DRACO MALFOY
My hair is no longer aerodynamic, but I’m still a jerk.
PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE provides some HALF-BAKED MORALS.
INT. CLASSES
PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY
I used to be a Shakespearean actor.
REST OF ADULT CAST
Join the club.
POOF! HERMIONE appears.
HERMIONE
Nothing, nothing.
RON
Am I the only one who sees this?
TRELAWNEY
Harry is in deep, terrible, kinda vague trouble.
HARRY
Oh, like it takes a seer to figure that out. When am I not?
EXT. THE HILL DOWN TO…HAGRID’S HUT?
AUDIENCE
Was that always there?
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE talk about something that is PROBABLY IMPORTANT, but the AUDIENCE doesn’t care because…
AUDIENCE
Bunny!
HAGRID
As this is my first class, I feel the need to put Harry in
an awkward position. Say hello to Buckbeak.
BUCKBEAK
Hey. I’m pretty cool looking, no?
HARRY
You’re probably the best CGI I’ve ever ridden.
FIRENZE
Hey!
HARRY, being the HERO, easily tames BUCKBEAK. He gets a nice ride, showing off the BEAUTIFUL SCENERY.
AUDIENCE
*tastefully refrains from making a Titanic joke*
MALFOY, not being the hero, immediately does SOMETHING STUPID.
BUCKBEAK
Idiot child.
MALFOY
Oww!
AUDIENCE
When did Malfoy become such a wuss?
MALFOY
Die, birdy-thing!
HARRY
Oh, that’s no good.
INT. DARK ARTS CLASSROOM
LUPIN
Guess what? You all get to face your fears!
CLASS
*not so thrilled*
LUPIN
But you get to make them funny!
CLASS
*still not so thrilled*
LUPIN
I know what will lighten your mood…swing music!
AUDIENCE
Hipster.
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
I’m afraid of Snape.
SNAPE in a DRESS!
AUDIENCE
Movie = made.
FAKE SNAPE
This hat with that bag?
OTHERS make fear funny. PARVATI manages to make her fear induced snake EVEN SCARIER.
HARRY
Now what am I afraid of…
DEMENTOR
Hey.
VOLDEMORT
…the hell? Kid, I killed your parents! Fear me! I’m scary! Grrrr…
LUPIN
None of that. Let’s let the Audience get a good
look at what I fear.
EXT. A…BRIDGE?
AUDIENCE
Did Dumbledore decide to make some additions over the summer?
A bridge, move the Whomping Willow, maybe a nice porch?
LUPIN
Harry, you are afraid of fear itself.
HARRY
Thank you, FDR.
LUPIN
Harry, you’re so like your father. And your mother.
She was so nice to me. Such a good, beautiful woman.
AUDIENCE
Um…is this a Lupin/Lily moment? ‘Cause I don’t know
how to feel about that.
INT. HOGWARTS
THE FAT LADY
Sirius Black!
DUMBLEDORE
Oh, yes. That’s the main plot.
INT. GREAT HALL SLUMBER PARTY!
DUMBLEDORE
We’re only feet away from Harry. Let’s talk about him.
SNAPE
Yes, there’s no possible way he could be awake.
DUMBLEDORE
Let’s not worry Harry. Instead, let me say vague,
ridiculous things that sound deep until you think about
them. Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars.
AUDIENCE
Hear that noise? That’s the script sucking even more
life out of Dumbledore.
SNAPE
I’m sorry, are you still talking to me?
INT. DARK ARTS CLASSROOM
SNAPE
I’m teaching today, and you all know what that means…
HARRY
Pain?
RON
Suffering?
SNAPE
…SLIDE SHOW!
AUDIENCE
The amazing, magical, not at all Muggle…slide projector!
SNAPE
I’m skipping ahead in your lessons to werewolves.
I have no ulterior motive whatsoever. This is not
part of the plot.
AUDIENCE
Everything is part of the plot. There’s no time for
extraneous material. This isn’t Prisoner of Azkaban
inasmuch as it is “Best of: Prisoner of Azkaban.”
HERMIONE appears out of nowhere again.
AUDIENCE (cont.)
See! We just have plot all over the place!
MALFOY sends HARRY a little flying note.
HARRY
*reading*
“Do you like me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’”.
EXT. QUDDITCH
AUDIENCE is amazed WIZARDS have lasted as long as they have considering they don’t call their FLYING SPORT EVENTS even on account of LIGHTNING.
HARRY
I have flying goggles! Great idea! I wonder
why no one has thought of this before!
HARRY chases the SNITCH with someone who is PRESUMABLY CEDRIC DIGGORY.
PRESUMABLY CEDRIC
Oh no! No one says my name and I get struck by lightning!
AUDIENCE
At least Cho got cut.
DEMENTORS attack. HARRY passes out, cueing another STUPID WIPE.
INT. HOSPITAL WING
HARRY
What happened?
HERMIONE
Presumably Cedric presumably caught the snitch. Though
I can’t say his name, so I can’t come right out and tell you this.
RON
Also, your broom broke.
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
And everyone saw you fall because of the dementors.
THINGS SUCK for HARRY.
EXT. WOODS
HARRY
Lupin, things suck for me.
LUPIN
Why do you keep following me around?
HARRY
What can I do about it?
LUPIN
If you promise to leave me alone for a few scenes,
I’ll help you later.
HARRY and LUPIN find what they were looking for, which was apparently HEDWIG.
HEDWIG
Can’t I lose this boy for ten minutes? I was supposed to meet
Crookshanks for a meeting of the Diminished Animal Characters Guild.
I’ll just fly into the next season to be rid of him.
HEDWIG flies into the NEXT SCENE only to find HARRY waiting for her.
HEDWIG(cont.)
ARGH!
EXT. CLOCKTOWER - WINTER
HARRY
…the hell did this giant clock come from?
DIRECTOR CUARON
Isn’t it cool?
IT IS, until the PENDULUM WHACKS some UNSUSPECTING STUDENT.
HARRY
I’m bored and lonely. I think I’ll try and sneak
into Hogsmeade.
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Oh, no you don’t. We haven’t given you a key
element of the plot yet.
GEORGE AND/OR FRED
Here is the Marauders’ Map.
HARRY
Who are the Marauders?
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Shhhh! Don’t ask that question! Just use it to sneak into
Hogsmeade. Its real significance will be apparent later.
INT. HOGSMEADE
HARRY puts on his INVISIBLITY CLOAK and walks into THINGS.
AUDIENCE
Why do invisible people immediately become clumsy?
HARRY
Hey, do you want to look at an empty set for ten minutes?
HARRY finds HERMIONE and RON, who are having a MOMENT. BUT MALFOY shows up.
AUDIENCE
Nice hat, Malfoyowski.
MALFOYOWSKI
Blah, blah, blah. I’m better than you. Blah, blah.
You know, the stuff I usually say. Et cetera, et cetera.
HERMIONE AND RON
*Yawn*
MALFOYOWSKI
And now…WE DANCE!
SNOWBALLS fly out of NOWHERE to hit MALFOYOWSKI. He runs off, but not to tell SNAPE.
RON
Oh no! Snowball throwing ghosts!
HERMIONE
Shut up, Ron. Hi, Harry. Want to go into town
to get more pertinent plot related information?
HARRY
Will it depress me?
HERMIONE
Yep.
HARRY
Let’s go!
INT. HOGSMEADE
HARRY and FRIENDS see HAGRID, MCGONAGALL, FUDGE, and other IMPORTANT PEOPLE hanging around talking about HARRY.
FUDGE
Let’s talk about the plot to Madam Rosmerta.
AUDIENCE
Because she really needs to know.
HARRY sneaks in because he’s INVISIBLE, and because NO ONE notices how CLUMSY he’s suddenly become.
FUDGE
Yes. Sirius Black is responsible for the Potters’ death.
And for Peter Pettigrew’s death.
ROSMERTA
Peter Pettigrew?
MCGONAGALL
Yes. Peter Pettigrew.
FUDGE
Is that name engraved in the Audience’s heads yet?
MCGONAGALL
Sirius Black was their friend, and … Harry’s godfather.
AUDIENCE
Dun, dun, DUN!
HAGRID
Why, if Harry were here right now, he’d run out
of the room, crying and swearing revenge.
HARRY runs out of the room, CRYING and SWEARING REVENGE.
INT. LUPIN’S OFFICE
AUDIENCE
Spine? Anyone need a new spine?
HARRY
Lupin, be father figure-esque and teach me to deal
with my fears.
LUPIN
Okay, Harry. I guess I will teach the most important
key element of the plotline: Expecto patronum.
HARRY
Expecto patronum.
LUPIN
Excellent! You are able to repeat after me!
AUDIENCE
Wow, Lupin. You don’t have high expectations
for your students, do you?
LUPIN
Listen very carefully to my voice. Think of a happy memory…
Thiiiiink…relaaaax…happiness is the keeey. Now… SLEEP!
HARRY
What?
LUPIN
Sorry. Just use your happiness to fight the dementor.
HARRY FAILS.
LUPIN (cont.)
Well, that won’t do.
HARRY
Well, it’s not like I’m a wealth of happy memories over here.
HARRY manages to come up with a HAPPY THOUGHT, and is able to FLY, I mean, FIGHT the DEMENTOR.
LUPIN
Excellent! What memory did you use?
HARRY
A memory of my parents that doesn’t actually exist.
LUPIN/AUDIENCE
Oh. Okay.
EXT. HAGRID’S HUT
HAGRID
Buckbeak’s gonna die!
HARRY ET AL
Oh no!
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, SCABBERS also dies.
AUDIENCE
Riiiiight.
DIRECTOR CUARON
And now back to your regularly scheduled movie.
INT. HOGWARTS - NIGHT
RON has the BEST JOKE of the movie right before things get TENSE.
HARRY
Peter Pettigrew? That was the name Fudge kept drilling into
my head. But he’s wandering the halls of Hogwarts?
I thought he was dead.
AUDIENCE
*rolls eyes*
HARRY
I better investigate and not tell anyone.
AUDIENCE
So much would be prevented in the Harry Potter Universe
if only people would tell each other things.
HARRY doesn’t find PETER. He does find SNAPE, however.
SNAPE
What are you doing wandering around at night?
HARRY
What am I doing? What are you doing? At least the
Audience knows what my rationale is.
SNAPE
I…er…I’M BATMAN!
HARRY
Would you please point your lens flare on a stick elsewhere?
AUDIENCE
Someone has a copy of Photoshop.
SNAPE
Hey, what’s that in your hand?
SUDDENLY, SNAPE deteriorates into SELF-PARODY.
SNAPE (cont.)
ACTING!
LUPIN
What’s going on here?
AUDIENCE
Is everyone just wandering the halls tonight?
SNAPE
*ACTS*
LUPIN
Riiiiight. Let’s all just go elsewhere.
LUPIN leads HARRY away. SNAPE puts out his LENS FLARE and wanders off in the PITCH DARK.
LUPIN
As your pseudo-father figure, I’m very disappointed in you,
Harry. I’m not giving your map back.
HARRY
How did you know it was a map?
LUPIN
Shhhh! Don’t ask that question.
HARRY
Okay. Oh, and, Peter Pettigrew.
LUPIN
Say what?
INT. DIVINATION
TRELAWNEY is also funny before things get TENSE.
HERMIONE
Divination is all bull. I’m insulted and I’m leaving.
Come on, ball. Let’s go.
HARRY and RON are not SMART ENOUGH to leave until the end of class.
HARRY
Ron, I have to go back to the classroom for a moment.
You know, so something important to the plot can happen.
TRELAWNEY
*gets freaky and prophesizes*
AUDIENCE
Run, Harry! Run!
HARRY
…I hate my life.
DIRECTOR CUARON
Of course, no one is going to mention this prophecy ever again.
EXT. HAGRID’S HOUSE
DIRECTOR CUARON
Look! Crows! Am I Tim Burton yet?
MALFOY attempts to ASSERT HIMSELF, but winds up whining and cringing. AGAIN.
HERMIONE
*whack*
MALFOY
Oww!
AUDIENCE
Nancy.
HARRY, HERMIONE and RON attempt to comfort HAGRID because BUCKBEAK is about to DIE.
WEIRD THINGS happen.
HARRY
Huh.
HERMIONE
Huh.
RON
Huh?
HAGRID gives RON back SCABBERS.
HAGRID
Don’t know how I found him.
HAGRID ushers THE GANG out before they get in MORE TROUBLE.
SCABBERS
Screw you guys.
*bites Ron*
RON chases SCABBERS to the next scene.
EXT. WHOMPING WILLOW
RON
Hey, did it just get darker?
The BIG BLACK DOG drags off RON under the WHOMPING WILLOW.
WHOMPING WILLOW
Oh, that’s right. I’m supposed to hit people.
HARRY/HERMIONE
Ouch!
HARRY has a VELMA moment, but manages to NOT BREAK his glasses for once.
HERMIONE knocks HARRY under the WILLOW, and somehow manages to fall in right behind him, even though she was still SWINGING moments before.
INT. THE SHRIEKING SHACK
RON
It’s a trap!
SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!
LUPIN!
LUPIN
Sirius, my friend!
SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!
HERMIONE
Oh, that’s it! Where wolf? THERE wolf!
LUPIN
Sirius isn’t bad.
SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!
LUPIN
Sirius, you’re not helping.
AUDIENCE
Maybe if you stopped acting so sinister for a moment
and explained, the children wouldn’t be frightened
out of their minds. And ready to kill you.
LUPIN
Peter Pettigrew killed your parents, Harry.
HARRY
Say what?
SNAPE! And, yes, he’s still ACTING.
SNAPE
I hate everyone!
SNAPE fuels the belief that LUPIN and SIRIUS are OTP.
SNAPE
I bet the dementors are just dying to give you a kiss, Sirius.
SIRIUS
Kissing? Icky!
HARRY
I need to sort this out so I’ll guess I’ll just…
BLAST SNAPE!
LUPIN
Peter Pettigrew is Ron’s rat.
RON
…I hate my life.
PETER is, IN FACT, SCABBERS.
PETER
I even look like a rat. Considering Lupin and Sirius’s
appearances, we must have been the ugliest group of
friends ever.
SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone…PETER!
AUDIENCE
Oh, now you explain.
HARRY
No, no more murder.
PETER
I’m not going to die!
HARRY
No, I’ll just give you to the dementors, who will suck
out your soul. Which, when you think about it, is worse.
EXT. WHOMPING WILLOW
AUDIENCE
Did they leave Snape…? Yes. Yes, they did.
WHOMPING WILLOW
Do I hit people now?
DIRECTOR CUARON
Not now.
HARRY and SIRIUS have a SWEET MOMENT. HERMIONE and RON have a SWEET MOMENT.
AUDIENCE
Awwwww…
HERMIONE
Hey, the moon!
LUPIN
Oh, yeah. Whoops.
LUPIN turns into what I’M GOING TO ASSUME is a WEREWOLF.
PETER
*runs like the little rat he is*
SNAPE
I can’t believe you left me…oh, werewolf.
I hate my life.
SIRIUS turns into the BIG BLACK DOG and chases off LUPIN.
HARRY
I am so concerned about Sirius, who I thought was
trying to kill me only ten minutes ago, that I will chase
after him and the werewolf, despite the fact I have a
snowball’s chance against Lupin.
SNAPE
Wait. Don’t. Stop.
AUDIENCE
Way to protect your students, Snape.
HARRY suddenly realizes that this was NOT THE BEST PLAN.
OTHER WEREWOLF
Aaoooow!
LUPIN
Kill the kid…or get some…hmmm…
LUPIN decides PROCREATION triumphs over DESTRUCTION.
HARRY
Whew. Sirius is injured, but everything will be all right now.
Of course, IT WON’T.
DEMENTORS
Give us the Halfling!
HARRY
Oh, crap.
DEMENTORS start to SUCK out SIRIUS’S SOUL.
AUDIENCE
Sirius has winterfresh breath!
HARRY and SIRIUS are saved by a STAG.
HARRY
Now cue the scene change wipe!
INT. HOSPITAL WING
HARRY
I think I saw my Dad!
HERMIONE
Oh, boy. He’s finally snapped.
DUMBLEDORE
Sirius is locked in the Dark Tower and is sentenced
to have his soul removed.
AUDIENCE
Hogwarts has a “Dark Tower?”
DUMBLEDORE
I’m fairly certain you can save everyone, as always.
Hermione knows how.
HARRY
What’s he talking about?
HERMIONE
I can travel back in time. That’s why I keep
appearing everywhere.
AUDIENCE
Blah, blah, blah. We already know this. Move on!
EXT. STUFF THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENED
Everything happens AGAIN, but this time, the WEIRD STUFF makes SENSE.
HARRY
First, we save Buckbeak.
HERMIONE
We’re going to be seen!
DUMBLEDORE
Now if you look over there, you’ll see a large
number of highly distracting things.
HARRY and HERMIONE rescue BUCKBEAK.
DUMBLEDORE
Excellent. Hagrid, let’s party.
The kids now WAIT AROUND.
HARRY
After Sirius is free, we’re going to get a house in
the country. With a white picket fence, and tulip boxes
in the windows, and a dog.
HERMIONE
I think the dog part is covered.
HARRY
Whoops, time to save ourselves.
HERMIONE saves HARRY from LUPIN by HOWLING.
AUDIENCE
So, werewolves don’t respond only to the call of their
own kind inasmuch as they respond to the call of
anyone attempting to sound like one of their kind.
LUPIN
Wait a minute. That’s not a werewolf! My bad.
HERMIONE and HARRY realize this was NOT THE BEST PLAN.
HARRY
We seem to have a lot of those tonight.
AUDIENCE
You guys should really know better than to
back through a forest.
LUPIN
Okay, this time nothing will save you.
BUCKBEAK
*whack*
LUPIN
…except the giant hippogriff.
HARRY
Thanks, Buckbeak. Now I’m going to see my Dad.
NO, he’s not.
HARRY
Oh, wait. I saved me. Then what was with the stag?
I should ask Lupin later. When he’s not trying to kill me.
They rescue SIRIUS.
HERMIONE
Why does Hogwarts need a locked prison at the top
of a tall tower? Are murderous felons a frequent problem?
SIRIUS
Thank you for saving me. And don’t worry, Harry.
Your parents are always with you. Right here in
your chest cavity.
HARRY
Don’t touch me.
BUCKBEAK and SIRIUS are saved from certain DEATH.
DUMBLEDORE
*bland moralizing*
INT. LUPIN’S OFFICE - NEXT DAY
LUPIN
I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Just nearly got
killed by every creature I came across last night.
HARRY
I wish you didn’t have to leave. I liked following you
everywhere. So, care to explain who the Marauders were?
LUPIN
No, I do not. Here’s the map back though. You’ll need
it for the next movie. Goodbye.
INT. GREAT HALL
RON
Hi, Harry! I still have no idea what’s going on, but
you got a Firebolt!
HERMIONE
From Sirius. Too bad this plot development was changed
into a cheap happy ending.
HARRY
Who cares? I can end the movie with an awkward closeup!