Breadbox Edition: S.W.A.T.
I realized, not too long ago, that I still had three BBEs from my FF.net days that I hadn't put up yet. So, here's the first: S.W.A.T. I like to think of this as my favorite Breadbox Edition of a movie no one else has ever seen.
(Author’s Note: Totally does not belong to me; nor would I want it. Thanks to the Editing Room for parody inspiration. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for his or her own indignation.)
S.W.A.T.: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. LA UNDER ATTACK
DISPATCH
Oh no! The bank robbers have automatic weapons! We are totally without resources!
AUDIENCE
Wait, the LAPD has nothing that can handle automatic weapons?
DISPATCH
Oh, wait. No. We have…S.W.A.T.!
CUE: S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #1
ROBBER gets shot.
OTHER ROBBER
I can’t believe our buddy got shot! I mean, sure he was
surrounded by nervous cops with guns, but who expected that?
YET ANOTHER ROBBER
Let’s get panicky!
COLIN FARRELL and JEREMY RENNER sneak into the building and wait for orders.
REG E. CATHEY
As your calm, reasonable lieutenant, I order you to wait while I negotiate.
JEREMY RENNER
Screw that. I am rash and violent. My name is Gamble.
AUDIENCE
Did we just wander into an allegory?
COLIN FARRELL
I must establish that I am not entirely behind Jeremy’s plan, so that I will
not seem as much as a jerk when we nearly screw this operation up.
COLIN and JEREMY nearly screw up the S.W.A.T. operation. JEREMY shoots a HOSTAGE.
LARRY POINDEXTER
I am your standard issue Bureaucratic Jerk. Jeremy is fired. Colin,
if you sell out Jeremy, I will settle for only humiliating you.
COLIN FARRELL
Well, Jeremy’s plan was overly dangerous…
AUDIENCE
Traitor! Traitor!
JEREMY RENNER
Grrr…I will be back to foil you!
CUE: TRAINING MONTAGE AND S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #4
AUDIENCE
A training montage? Already?
INT. THE CAGE
COLIN FARRELL
I have spent the last six months in humiliation so that I may
someday become S.W.A.T. again. S.W.A.T. is my dream. It is my
life. My purpose. MY ONLY REASON FOR LIVING!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON enters. He is shown only from the KNEES down because anymore would BLOW the AUDIENCE AWAY. S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #9 plays.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I am too cool to be shown yet.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON approaches COLIN, still in PROTECTIVE SHADOW.
SOME COP
Hey it’s that guy! He’s got a barely there backstory!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
That’s because it barely matters. Just bask in my utter awesomeness.
COLIN FARRELL
I don’t care if you have any backstory. I will show you how clever
and knowledgeable I am so you will remember me later.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I will take note.
INT. COLIN’S HOUSE
SOME WOMAN is leaving.
COLIN FARRELL
Who are you?
SOME WOMAN
I’m your girlfriend. I’m breaking up with you so the audience
will know that this is the lowest point of your life.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh.
SOME WOMAN
I’m really not that important. I provide a link with another character
because I am his sister, but you’re never going to see me again.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh. Well, bye, then. I’m heartbroken, I guess.
SOME WOMAN
Don’t worry. This leaves open the possibility of a new love interest for you.
EXT. FIRING RANGE
JOSH CHARLES
I’ m amazing. I managed to have a career after Sports Night.
JOSH and SAMUEL L. JACKSON have a PISSING CONTEST. JOSH wins.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I bet Colin is better than you. He doesn’t have to wear earplugs on the firing range.
COLIN and JOSH have a PISSING CONTEST. COLIN humiliates JOSH.
JOSH CHARLES
Argh! I must be the best at everything to keep my manhood intact!
INT. LAX
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
I am ze villain of zis movie. I am Francais. Ze American pigz are zeeing a trend, no?
CUSTOMS AGENT
Sir, you have to declare that accent.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
So long az I may keep zis knife.
CUSTOMS AGENT
Oh, of course.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
I need it to keeeeeeell mon oncle.
CUSTOMS AGENT
That’s nice.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
Just like I keeeeeeelled my father.
CUSTOMS AGENT
Just make sure you don’t get caught on a stupid charge,
like tax fraud or a busted tail light.
OLIVIER kills SON ONCLE, gets caught, and is really very calm and understanding about it.
INT. THE CAGE
COLIN FARRELL
Here is something I invented which will serve
no real purpose, but only prove that I am terribly clever.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
C’mon, Colin. Time to find the straggling members of our cast.
They find LL COOL J in SOUTH CENTRAL.
LL COOL J
I will be the black man of the S.W.A.T. team.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Ahem.
LL COOL J
Two black men? But, our stereotyping will be ruined!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I will be the badass.
LL COOL J
Then I will be the tough, caring, family man.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Now let’s find the vegetarian stereotype.
WHITE BREAD
Hello there. I’m ridiculous.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
You can’t join the S.W.A.T. team because I could
knock you over with the mere force of my presence.
WHITE BREAD
Well, gee golly. That’s too bad.
COLIN FARRELL
Hey, this leaves a spot on the team open for me!
AUDIENCE
Yes, that would be the point, wouldn’t it?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Now, all we need is the Woman.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
I’m tough and sassy. Touch me and I’ll kill you.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Now, if I add these new stereotypes to the people I already
have assembled, I should have the prerequisite diverse S.W.A.T.
team. Oh, yeah. Colin? Do you want to join?
COLIN FARRELL
S.W.A.T. IS MY LIFE. But Larry won’t agree to it.
LARRY POINDEXTER
Could I be any more of a one-dimensional asshole?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I doubt it. Just give me this team.
LARRY POINDEXTER
Sure, but I’m going to try to stymie you at every opportunity.
INT. TRAINING DAY
BRIAN VAN HOLT
Grrr…I don’t like you, Colin.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh, hey. You must be the brother of the random
woman who dumped me near the beginning!
JOSH CHARLES
Quip to the left. Quip to the right.
LL COOL J
Let’s not fight, guys. It’s all cool.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
If any one even says the word “woman,” I will maul them.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I have to mold you guys into an effective team. I will do this via a training
montage, the most effective way to skip character development in cinema.
CUE: TRAINING MONTAGE and S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #27
SAMUEL L. JACKSON (cont.)
Okay, we all like each other now?
EVERYONE ELSE
Yep.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Good. Let’s take the big test.
AUDIENCE
Man, we’re about an hour into the story, and we still haven’t gotten to the main plot yet.
EXT. VINDICATION DAY
LARRY POINDEXTER
I hate you guys so very much.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
You must save the passengers of this commercial
airline from the terrorists in under eight minutes.
COLIN FARRELL
Allow me to once again remind you how clever I am by pointing out an
entrance point no one has ever noticed before. No one. In all the
years that S.W.A.T. teams have been taking this test.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
My womanness is essential to this plan. I never thought being a
woman would be helpful. I am learning about myself!
Thanks to COLIN’S cleverness and MICHELLE’S WOMANALITY, the S.W.A.T. team accomplishes its objective in record time. JOSH gets shot with a PAINTBALL, however.
JOSH CHARLES
Garr! I was mock-killed! Why am I not the best?
AUDIENCE
Oh, please don’t let this be foreshadowing.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
We have been vindicated. Let’s party.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
I have hired a babysitter. Notice the subtle introduction
of my backstory. I am more than just a tough woman.
COLIN FARRELL
Perhaps you are meant to be my new romantic interest, Michelle.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Let us go off alone together and see.
JEREMY RENNER
I’m still in this movie. And I’m bad.
COLIN FARRELL
I think perhaps I like you, Michelle.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Come to my child’s birthday party.
AUDIENCE
So, they’ve spent the night drinking and she’s
just going to drive home? Responsible mother.
EXT. NEXT DAY
S.W.A.T. team is shown living NORMAL LIVES.
JOSH CHARLES
I may work in the mud, but I play in the clouds.
AUDIENCE
*smacks screenwriter*
COLIN FARRELL
I play well with children.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Yes, I see that.
LL COOL J
I’m a dad too, by the way.
BRIAN VAN HOLT
I am poorly developed.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I like golf.
AUDIENCE
Ha ha ha ha ha!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
No, really. I’m pretty good in real life.
SOMEONE does something stupid that requires S.W.A.T. intervention.
CUE: S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #50
COLIN FARRELL
Remember that invention I showed you earlier?
Now we will use it and prove my cleverness.
AUDIENCE
Geez, we got it; we got it.
INT. JAIL
A COP
We have had Olivier in custody since the training
montage, but we still don’t know who he is.
ANOTHER COP
Let us transfer him to move the plot along.
COPS put OLIVIER on a bus to another jail.
BUS DRIVER
There is a cop car signaling for me to pull over, but can’t read their identification
number. I will pull over my bus full of criminals without verification anyway.
DISPATCH
Hey! Olivier is an international criminal!
TOO LATE.
BUS DRIVER is shot by a FAKE COP.
S.W.A.T. TEAM happens to be driving by.
COLIN FARRELL
Hey, there’s the main plot. Should we join it?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
As the only competent police force in L.A., I should think so.
S.W.A.T. TEAM saves the day. COPS drag OLIVIER back to jail past a large number of REPORTERS.
AUDIENCE
Oh yes. Let’s give the international criminal airtime.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
Anyone who getz me out of zis will get one hundred meeeeelllleeeeon dollars.
MEDIA
We see no problem in airing this clip over and over again.
EVERY GANG IN L.A. sees the clip and forms a plan.
LARRY POINDEXTER
We will arrange to get Olivier to a secure jail. We will
use the S.W.A.T. team. Which I hate, by the way.
A HELICOPTER is called for. It is shot down. SPECIAL EFFECTS happen.
LARRY POINDEXTER (cont.)
Okay, that didn’t work. Let’s try another tactic.
A huge CAVALCADE is used to keep anyone from rescuing OLIVIER.
AUDIENCE
It’s a decoy.
SHIT hits the fan. EVERYTHING blows up. PEOPLE die.
STEREOTYPICAL GANG MEMBER
Hey! Olivier’s not here!
AUDIENCE
That’s a lot of lost lives for a decoy.
REG E. CATHEY
Only three people died.
AUDIENCE
Six square city blocks of L.A. explode, and only three people die?
REG E. CATHEY
It’s a PG-13 movie.
MEANWHILE:
S.W.A.T. TEAM sneaks OLIVIER out.
CAMERAMAN starts to follow JOSH around.
CAMERAMAN
Be suspicious! Be suspicious!
AUDIENCE
Well, he hasn’t really done anything that would make us suspect
him as a traitor, but if you say so, Mr. Cameraman.
BRIAN VAN HOLT
You know, Colin, we should make up before I get shot.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh, were we still fighting?
BRIAN VAN HOLT
I think so. Maybe you should make up with my sister, Some Woman, too.
COLIN FARRELL
So, I’m not going to have a relationship with Michelle?
BRIAN VAN HOLT
No, that would actually be pretty unprofessional.
JOSH stops the car.
JOSH CHARLES
Sorry, guys. I have to betray you for money. I don’t quite know why it’s me, but…sorry.
JEREMY RENNER
I’m back! I’m going to shoot Brian!
JOSH CHARLES
Why’d you do that? You hate Colin!
JEREMY RENNER
Well, it’ll give you a reason to be doubtful, so you’re
not quite as evil as me. Plus, Colin’s the main character.
JEREMY and JOSH take OLIVIER into the SUBWAY.
COLIN FARRELL
They can’t be staying on the subway. There’s only, like, five stops.
COLIN FARRELL and SAMUEL L. JACKSON get busy.
EXT. L.A. STREETS
MEDIC
Brian was shot in the neck and has no vitals. He’ll be fine.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
C’mon LL Cool J. Let’s join the chase.
CUE: S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX # 92
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
They’ve gone underground. Let’s go down there without radioing what
we’re doing to HQ first. That way, Larry can bitch about us.
REMAINING S.W.A.T. TEAM wanders around the SEWER for a while.
COLIN FARRELL
Jeremy is marking a trail with phosphorescent paint. He is almost as clever as me.
COLIN jumps LL COOL J.
COLIN FARRELL (cont.)
Look out! I instinctively know where all the traps are!
MEANWHILE:
JEREMY RENNER
Damn, I forgot that Colin is the cleverest person on the planet.
JOSH CHARLES
I have doubts…DOUBTS!
JEREMY locks the REMAINING S.W.A.T. TEAM in the sewer.
INT. POLICE HQ
LARRY POINDEXTER
Lights have been turned on at a small airport
in the middle of the night. They must be going there.
AUDIENCE
Um…that’s a pretty obvious ploy, right?
LARRY POINDEXTER
Let’s send all our men there.
AUDIENCE
…RIGHT?
EXT. BRIDGE
JEREMY RENNER
Actually, I plan on landing this plane on the bridge.
JOSH CHARLES
If you think I’m going to act upon my doubts
and do something redeeming, you’ll be wrong.
MEANWHILE:
REMAINING S.W.A.T. TEAM blows up the SEWER.
They take a limo and leave TEENAGERS and their DRIVER alone in the middle of an empty L.A. street at night. Because they care about THE PEOPLE.
COLIN FARRELL
We are going to the bridge because we have working brain stems.
EXT. BRIDGE
PLANE takes off. JEREMY blows some things up for good measure and because it’s FUN.
JEREMY RENNER
There is no way anyone can stop us now!
S.W.A.T. LIMO bursts through the flames and shoots the plane down.
COLIN FARRELL
You forget, Jeremy! No one can upstage me!
The PLANE crashes and the CAMERA goes INSANE.
MICHELLE gets shot.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Do not fear. My tough femaleosity protects me.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
Oh no! I muzt ezcape!
LL COOL J
Oh, no. You and your accent are going back to jail.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Why did you betray us, Josh?
JOSH CHARLES
Colin was better than me!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Josh, Colin is better than everyone.
JOSH CHARLES
The screenwriter didn’t give me redemption, so I have to kill myself now.
AUDIENCE
I guess it was foreshadowing.
MEANWHILE:
COLIN hunts JEREMY through a TRAIN YARD in a scene that mostly DRAGS. Guess how it ends.
EXT. SECURE DESERT JAIL
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
We have finally brought Olivier to some place where no one can break him out.
AUDIENCE half expects the PRISON GUARDS to drive off and free OLIVIER, but they don’t because that would have been FUNNY.
COLIN FARRELL
Are you sure no one could break him out of here?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
If they do, it’s not our problem.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Despite having recently been shot, I am still working.
LL COOL J
I’m a family man. Just in case you forgot.
COLIN FARRELL
Hey, someone’s doing something that requires S.W.A.T. intervention.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
We’re down two members, we’ve been up more than 24 hours,
and we’re not the only S.W.A.T. team in California, Colin.
COLIN FARRELL
Yes, well. S.W.A.T. is my life, remember?
CUE: S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #150
(Author’s Note: Totally does not belong to me; nor would I want it. Thanks to the Editing Room for parody inspiration. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for his or her own indignation.)
S.W.A.T.: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. LA UNDER ATTACK
DISPATCH
Oh no! The bank robbers have automatic weapons! We are totally without resources!
AUDIENCE
Wait, the LAPD has nothing that can handle automatic weapons?
DISPATCH
Oh, wait. No. We have…S.W.A.T.!
CUE: S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #1
ROBBER gets shot.
OTHER ROBBER
I can’t believe our buddy got shot! I mean, sure he was
surrounded by nervous cops with guns, but who expected that?
YET ANOTHER ROBBER
Let’s get panicky!
COLIN FARRELL and JEREMY RENNER sneak into the building and wait for orders.
REG E. CATHEY
As your calm, reasonable lieutenant, I order you to wait while I negotiate.
JEREMY RENNER
Screw that. I am rash and violent. My name is Gamble.
AUDIENCE
Did we just wander into an allegory?
COLIN FARRELL
I must establish that I am not entirely behind Jeremy’s plan, so that I will
not seem as much as a jerk when we nearly screw this operation up.
COLIN and JEREMY nearly screw up the S.W.A.T. operation. JEREMY shoots a HOSTAGE.
LARRY POINDEXTER
I am your standard issue Bureaucratic Jerk. Jeremy is fired. Colin,
if you sell out Jeremy, I will settle for only humiliating you.
COLIN FARRELL
Well, Jeremy’s plan was overly dangerous…
AUDIENCE
Traitor! Traitor!
JEREMY RENNER
Grrr…I will be back to foil you!
CUE: TRAINING MONTAGE AND S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #4
AUDIENCE
A training montage? Already?
INT. THE CAGE
COLIN FARRELL
I have spent the last six months in humiliation so that I may
someday become S.W.A.T. again. S.W.A.T. is my dream. It is my
life. My purpose. MY ONLY REASON FOR LIVING!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON enters. He is shown only from the KNEES down because anymore would BLOW the AUDIENCE AWAY. S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #9 plays.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I am too cool to be shown yet.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON approaches COLIN, still in PROTECTIVE SHADOW.
SOME COP
Hey it’s that guy! He’s got a barely there backstory!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
That’s because it barely matters. Just bask in my utter awesomeness.
COLIN FARRELL
I don’t care if you have any backstory. I will show you how clever
and knowledgeable I am so you will remember me later.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I will take note.
INT. COLIN’S HOUSE
SOME WOMAN is leaving.
COLIN FARRELL
Who are you?
SOME WOMAN
I’m your girlfriend. I’m breaking up with you so the audience
will know that this is the lowest point of your life.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh.
SOME WOMAN
I’m really not that important. I provide a link with another character
because I am his sister, but you’re never going to see me again.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh. Well, bye, then. I’m heartbroken, I guess.
SOME WOMAN
Don’t worry. This leaves open the possibility of a new love interest for you.
EXT. FIRING RANGE
JOSH CHARLES
I’ m amazing. I managed to have a career after Sports Night.
JOSH and SAMUEL L. JACKSON have a PISSING CONTEST. JOSH wins.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I bet Colin is better than you. He doesn’t have to wear earplugs on the firing range.
COLIN and JOSH have a PISSING CONTEST. COLIN humiliates JOSH.
JOSH CHARLES
Argh! I must be the best at everything to keep my manhood intact!
INT. LAX
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
I am ze villain of zis movie. I am Francais. Ze American pigz are zeeing a trend, no?
CUSTOMS AGENT
Sir, you have to declare that accent.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
So long az I may keep zis knife.
CUSTOMS AGENT
Oh, of course.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
I need it to keeeeeeell mon oncle.
CUSTOMS AGENT
That’s nice.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
Just like I keeeeeeelled my father.
CUSTOMS AGENT
Just make sure you don’t get caught on a stupid charge,
like tax fraud or a busted tail light.
OLIVIER kills SON ONCLE, gets caught, and is really very calm and understanding about it.
INT. THE CAGE
COLIN FARRELL
Here is something I invented which will serve
no real purpose, but only prove that I am terribly clever.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
C’mon, Colin. Time to find the straggling members of our cast.
They find LL COOL J in SOUTH CENTRAL.
LL COOL J
I will be the black man of the S.W.A.T. team.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Ahem.
LL COOL J
Two black men? But, our stereotyping will be ruined!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I will be the badass.
LL COOL J
Then I will be the tough, caring, family man.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Now let’s find the vegetarian stereotype.
WHITE BREAD
Hello there. I’m ridiculous.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
You can’t join the S.W.A.T. team because I could
knock you over with the mere force of my presence.
WHITE BREAD
Well, gee golly. That’s too bad.
COLIN FARRELL
Hey, this leaves a spot on the team open for me!
AUDIENCE
Yes, that would be the point, wouldn’t it?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Now, all we need is the Woman.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
I’m tough and sassy. Touch me and I’ll kill you.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Now, if I add these new stereotypes to the people I already
have assembled, I should have the prerequisite diverse S.W.A.T.
team. Oh, yeah. Colin? Do you want to join?
COLIN FARRELL
S.W.A.T. IS MY LIFE. But Larry won’t agree to it.
LARRY POINDEXTER
Could I be any more of a one-dimensional asshole?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I doubt it. Just give me this team.
LARRY POINDEXTER
Sure, but I’m going to try to stymie you at every opportunity.
INT. TRAINING DAY
BRIAN VAN HOLT
Grrr…I don’t like you, Colin.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh, hey. You must be the brother of the random
woman who dumped me near the beginning!
JOSH CHARLES
Quip to the left. Quip to the right.
LL COOL J
Let’s not fight, guys. It’s all cool.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
If any one even says the word “woman,” I will maul them.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I have to mold you guys into an effective team. I will do this via a training
montage, the most effective way to skip character development in cinema.
CUE: TRAINING MONTAGE and S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #27
SAMUEL L. JACKSON (cont.)
Okay, we all like each other now?
EVERYONE ELSE
Yep.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Good. Let’s take the big test.
AUDIENCE
Man, we’re about an hour into the story, and we still haven’t gotten to the main plot yet.
EXT. VINDICATION DAY
LARRY POINDEXTER
I hate you guys so very much.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
You must save the passengers of this commercial
airline from the terrorists in under eight minutes.
COLIN FARRELL
Allow me to once again remind you how clever I am by pointing out an
entrance point no one has ever noticed before. No one. In all the
years that S.W.A.T. teams have been taking this test.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
My womanness is essential to this plan. I never thought being a
woman would be helpful. I am learning about myself!
Thanks to COLIN’S cleverness and MICHELLE’S WOMANALITY, the S.W.A.T. team accomplishes its objective in record time. JOSH gets shot with a PAINTBALL, however.
JOSH CHARLES
Garr! I was mock-killed! Why am I not the best?
AUDIENCE
Oh, please don’t let this be foreshadowing.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
We have been vindicated. Let’s party.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
I have hired a babysitter. Notice the subtle introduction
of my backstory. I am more than just a tough woman.
COLIN FARRELL
Perhaps you are meant to be my new romantic interest, Michelle.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Let us go off alone together and see.
JEREMY RENNER
I’m still in this movie. And I’m bad.
COLIN FARRELL
I think perhaps I like you, Michelle.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Come to my child’s birthday party.
AUDIENCE
So, they’ve spent the night drinking and she’s
just going to drive home? Responsible mother.
EXT. NEXT DAY
S.W.A.T. team is shown living NORMAL LIVES.
JOSH CHARLES
I may work in the mud, but I play in the clouds.
AUDIENCE
*smacks screenwriter*
COLIN FARRELL
I play well with children.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Yes, I see that.
LL COOL J
I’m a dad too, by the way.
BRIAN VAN HOLT
I am poorly developed.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I like golf.
AUDIENCE
Ha ha ha ha ha!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
No, really. I’m pretty good in real life.
SOMEONE does something stupid that requires S.W.A.T. intervention.
CUE: S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #50
COLIN FARRELL
Remember that invention I showed you earlier?
Now we will use it and prove my cleverness.
AUDIENCE
Geez, we got it; we got it.
INT. JAIL
A COP
We have had Olivier in custody since the training
montage, but we still don’t know who he is.
ANOTHER COP
Let us transfer him to move the plot along.
COPS put OLIVIER on a bus to another jail.
BUS DRIVER
There is a cop car signaling for me to pull over, but can’t read their identification
number. I will pull over my bus full of criminals without verification anyway.
DISPATCH
Hey! Olivier is an international criminal!
TOO LATE.
BUS DRIVER is shot by a FAKE COP.
S.W.A.T. TEAM happens to be driving by.
COLIN FARRELL
Hey, there’s the main plot. Should we join it?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
As the only competent police force in L.A., I should think so.
S.W.A.T. TEAM saves the day. COPS drag OLIVIER back to jail past a large number of REPORTERS.
AUDIENCE
Oh yes. Let’s give the international criminal airtime.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
Anyone who getz me out of zis will get one hundred meeeeelllleeeeon dollars.
MEDIA
We see no problem in airing this clip over and over again.
EVERY GANG IN L.A. sees the clip and forms a plan.
LARRY POINDEXTER
We will arrange to get Olivier to a secure jail. We will
use the S.W.A.T. team. Which I hate, by the way.
A HELICOPTER is called for. It is shot down. SPECIAL EFFECTS happen.
LARRY POINDEXTER (cont.)
Okay, that didn’t work. Let’s try another tactic.
A huge CAVALCADE is used to keep anyone from rescuing OLIVIER.
AUDIENCE
It’s a decoy.
SHIT hits the fan. EVERYTHING blows up. PEOPLE die.
STEREOTYPICAL GANG MEMBER
Hey! Olivier’s not here!
AUDIENCE
That’s a lot of lost lives for a decoy.
REG E. CATHEY
Only three people died.
AUDIENCE
Six square city blocks of L.A. explode, and only three people die?
REG E. CATHEY
It’s a PG-13 movie.
MEANWHILE:
S.W.A.T. TEAM sneaks OLIVIER out.
CAMERAMAN starts to follow JOSH around.
CAMERAMAN
Be suspicious! Be suspicious!
AUDIENCE
Well, he hasn’t really done anything that would make us suspect
him as a traitor, but if you say so, Mr. Cameraman.
BRIAN VAN HOLT
You know, Colin, we should make up before I get shot.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh, were we still fighting?
BRIAN VAN HOLT
I think so. Maybe you should make up with my sister, Some Woman, too.
COLIN FARRELL
So, I’m not going to have a relationship with Michelle?
BRIAN VAN HOLT
No, that would actually be pretty unprofessional.
JOSH stops the car.
JOSH CHARLES
Sorry, guys. I have to betray you for money. I don’t quite know why it’s me, but…sorry.
JEREMY RENNER
I’m back! I’m going to shoot Brian!
JOSH CHARLES
Why’d you do that? You hate Colin!
JEREMY RENNER
Well, it’ll give you a reason to be doubtful, so you’re
not quite as evil as me. Plus, Colin’s the main character.
JEREMY and JOSH take OLIVIER into the SUBWAY.
COLIN FARRELL
They can’t be staying on the subway. There’s only, like, five stops.
COLIN FARRELL and SAMUEL L. JACKSON get busy.
EXT. L.A. STREETS
MEDIC
Brian was shot in the neck and has no vitals. He’ll be fine.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
C’mon LL Cool J. Let’s join the chase.
CUE: S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX # 92
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
They’ve gone underground. Let’s go down there without radioing what
we’re doing to HQ first. That way, Larry can bitch about us.
REMAINING S.W.A.T. TEAM wanders around the SEWER for a while.
COLIN FARRELL
Jeremy is marking a trail with phosphorescent paint. He is almost as clever as me.
COLIN jumps LL COOL J.
COLIN FARRELL (cont.)
Look out! I instinctively know where all the traps are!
MEANWHILE:
JEREMY RENNER
Damn, I forgot that Colin is the cleverest person on the planet.
JOSH CHARLES
I have doubts…DOUBTS!
JEREMY locks the REMAINING S.W.A.T. TEAM in the sewer.
INT. POLICE HQ
LARRY POINDEXTER
Lights have been turned on at a small airport
in the middle of the night. They must be going there.
AUDIENCE
Um…that’s a pretty obvious ploy, right?
LARRY POINDEXTER
Let’s send all our men there.
AUDIENCE
…RIGHT?
EXT. BRIDGE
JEREMY RENNER
Actually, I plan on landing this plane on the bridge.
JOSH CHARLES
If you think I’m going to act upon my doubts
and do something redeeming, you’ll be wrong.
MEANWHILE:
REMAINING S.W.A.T. TEAM blows up the SEWER.
They take a limo and leave TEENAGERS and their DRIVER alone in the middle of an empty L.A. street at night. Because they care about THE PEOPLE.
COLIN FARRELL
We are going to the bridge because we have working brain stems.
EXT. BRIDGE
PLANE takes off. JEREMY blows some things up for good measure and because it’s FUN.
JEREMY RENNER
There is no way anyone can stop us now!
S.W.A.T. LIMO bursts through the flames and shoots the plane down.
COLIN FARRELL
You forget, Jeremy! No one can upstage me!
The PLANE crashes and the CAMERA goes INSANE.
MICHELLE gets shot.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Do not fear. My tough femaleosity protects me.
OLIVIER MARTINEZ
Oh no! I muzt ezcape!
LL COOL J
Oh, no. You and your accent are going back to jail.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Why did you betray us, Josh?
JOSH CHARLES
Colin was better than me!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Josh, Colin is better than everyone.
JOSH CHARLES
The screenwriter didn’t give me redemption, so I have to kill myself now.
AUDIENCE
I guess it was foreshadowing.
MEANWHILE:
COLIN hunts JEREMY through a TRAIN YARD in a scene that mostly DRAGS. Guess how it ends.
EXT. SECURE DESERT JAIL
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
We have finally brought Olivier to some place where no one can break him out.
AUDIENCE half expects the PRISON GUARDS to drive off and free OLIVIER, but they don’t because that would have been FUNNY.
COLIN FARRELL
Are you sure no one could break him out of here?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
If they do, it’s not our problem.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Despite having recently been shot, I am still working.
LL COOL J
I’m a family man. Just in case you forgot.
COLIN FARRELL
Hey, someone’s doing something that requires S.W.A.T. intervention.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
We’re down two members, we’ve been up more than 24 hours,
and we’re not the only S.W.A.T. team in California, Colin.
COLIN FARRELL
Yes, well. S.W.A.T. is my life, remember?
CUE: S.W.A.T. THEME REMIX #150