The Odyssey: Breadbox Edition: Book One
All right, according to the poll (which was really close, but there were some 11th hour votes), a plurality (48%) opted for the "one book at a time" approach. Therefore, here's the first post for The Odyssey: Breadbox Edition.
Authors Note: The Odyssey is certainly not mine, but Homer's, assuming there was such a person. The translation I used was the Robert Fagles.
THE ODYSSEY: BREADBOX EDITION
BOOK ONE: ATHENA SMACKS SOME SENSE INTO THE PRINCE
POET
Tell, O Muse, of Odysseus, the man who returned home from
Troy to slay the suitors annoying his wife, but only after blinding a
Cyclops, avoiding the sirens, sleeping with Circe, watching his
men get killed by the Sungod, and being trapped by Calypso.
MUSE
Look, do you want to tell this story?
INT. OLYMPUS - HOME OF THE GODS
POSEIDON
Hey, guys. I’m going to a great party at the Ethiopians’. They’ve got rams
and everything. Anyone want to come with? No? Well, I’ll be back later.
No one countermand any of my divine proclamations while I’m gone.
ZEUS
Can you believe the stupidity of mortals?
Blaming the gods for things that are only partially our fault.
ATHENA
Yeah, that’s great, Dad. You know whom I was thinking about
yesterday? Odysseus. You know, smart guy, yea high, Trojan horse?
ZEUS
I know who he is. So what?
ATHENA
He wants to go home. We could make that happen.
ZEUS
I don’t know. Poseidon will get upset.
ATHENA
Okay, who is Poseidon?
ZEUS
Uh, the King of the Seas?
ATHENA
And who are you?
ZEUS
King of the Gods?
ATHENA
And which one of you has more power?
ZEUS
Oh, yeah. All right, send Odysseus home!
EXT. ODYSSEUS' PALACE
TELEMACHUS
Woe! Woe for the father I can’t even remember! Woe for my
put upon mother! Woe for my extreme emoness! Woe!
ATHENA
Maybe I should get Telemachus to go on a journey before his
father gets home. Don’t want Odysseus discovering his son is a wuss.
SUITORS
We’re bastards!
ATHENA
Wow, the sooner Odysseus comes home, the better.
TELEMACHUS
I couldn’t agree more. Welcome to my father’s palace.
And now…WE EAT!
THEY EAT.
ATHENA
So…Telemachus. Let’s pretend I’m Mentes, though you somehow
know I’m a god. Things suck here.
TELEMACHUS
My father Odysseus could fix this.
ATHENA
Then why don’t you try looking for him? Make a name for yourself.
Don’t you want to be as famous as Orestes?
TELEMACHUS
All things considered…no, not really.
ATHENA
Go anyway. It’ll give you something to do other than whine all day.
TELEMACHUS
You’re the most inspiring person I’ve ever met.
ATHENA
And that depresses me.
The SUITORS come in, EAT EVERYTHING and TALK SMACK to TELEMACHUS. PHEMIUS sings about DEPRESSING THINGS.
PENELOPE
Stop that. You’re making me cry.
TELEMACHUS
Go to your room, mother! Don’t bother us men-folk
with your girly crying!
READER
Excuse me, little brat? Being inspired to greatness is no
reason to talk to your mother like that.
TELEMACHUS
Suitors, I want you all to leave. I’m a man now, and I
want you out of my house.
ANTINOUS
Or what? You’ll whine at us some more?
TELEMACHUS
Zeus will pay you back with a vengeance if you don’t.
ANTINOUS
Whatever. Let’s eat some more.
THEY EAT.
Up Next: Book Two: Telemachus Gets His Ass in Gear.
Authors Note: The Odyssey is certainly not mine, but Homer's, assuming there was such a person. The translation I used was the Robert Fagles.
THE ODYSSEY: BREADBOX EDITION
BOOK ONE: ATHENA SMACKS SOME SENSE INTO THE PRINCE
POET
Tell, O Muse, of Odysseus, the man who returned home from
Troy to slay the suitors annoying his wife, but only after blinding a
Cyclops, avoiding the sirens, sleeping with Circe, watching his
men get killed by the Sungod, and being trapped by Calypso.
MUSE
Look, do you want to tell this story?
INT. OLYMPUS - HOME OF THE GODS
POSEIDON
Hey, guys. I’m going to a great party at the Ethiopians’. They’ve got rams
and everything. Anyone want to come with? No? Well, I’ll be back later.
No one countermand any of my divine proclamations while I’m gone.
ZEUS
Can you believe the stupidity of mortals?
Blaming the gods for things that are only partially our fault.
ATHENA
Yeah, that’s great, Dad. You know whom I was thinking about
yesterday? Odysseus. You know, smart guy, yea high, Trojan horse?
ZEUS
I know who he is. So what?
ATHENA
He wants to go home. We could make that happen.
ZEUS
I don’t know. Poseidon will get upset.
ATHENA
Okay, who is Poseidon?
ZEUS
Uh, the King of the Seas?
ATHENA
And who are you?
ZEUS
King of the Gods?
ATHENA
And which one of you has more power?
ZEUS
Oh, yeah. All right, send Odysseus home!
EXT. ODYSSEUS' PALACE
TELEMACHUS
Woe! Woe for the father I can’t even remember! Woe for my
put upon mother! Woe for my extreme emoness! Woe!
ATHENA
Maybe I should get Telemachus to go on a journey before his
father gets home. Don’t want Odysseus discovering his son is a wuss.
SUITORS
We’re bastards!
ATHENA
Wow, the sooner Odysseus comes home, the better.
TELEMACHUS
I couldn’t agree more. Welcome to my father’s palace.
And now…WE EAT!
THEY EAT.
ATHENA
So…Telemachus. Let’s pretend I’m Mentes, though you somehow
know I’m a god. Things suck here.
TELEMACHUS
My father Odysseus could fix this.
ATHENA
Then why don’t you try looking for him? Make a name for yourself.
Don’t you want to be as famous as Orestes?
TELEMACHUS
All things considered…no, not really.
ATHENA
Go anyway. It’ll give you something to do other than whine all day.
TELEMACHUS
You’re the most inspiring person I’ve ever met.
ATHENA
And that depresses me.
The SUITORS come in, EAT EVERYTHING and TALK SMACK to TELEMACHUS. PHEMIUS sings about DEPRESSING THINGS.
PENELOPE
Stop that. You’re making me cry.
TELEMACHUS
Go to your room, mother! Don’t bother us men-folk
with your girly crying!
READER
Excuse me, little brat? Being inspired to greatness is no
reason to talk to your mother like that.
TELEMACHUS
Suitors, I want you all to leave. I’m a man now, and I
want you out of my house.
ANTINOUS
Or what? You’ll whine at us some more?
TELEMACHUS
Zeus will pay you back with a vengeance if you don’t.
ANTINOUS
Whatever. Let’s eat some more.
THEY EAT.
Up Next: Book Two: Telemachus Gets His Ass in Gear.