Fanfiction: Once Upon a Freakin' Time
Geez, I haven't put one of these up for a long time. Anyway, I'm keeping this section short because I'm way to tired to do anything but rant.
(Author's Note: As always, Harry Potter does not belong to me. Neither do Voldemort, Snape or the Death Eaters. All hail J.K.! This is dedicated to The Marty. She knows why.)
Lord Voldemort Finds the Woman of His Dreams
“I have found her!” shouted Lord Voldemort, bursting into the waiting room where Lucius, Snape and Wormtail were hanging around playing darts on a board made up with Dumbledore’s face.
“Found who?” asked Wormtail.
“The perfect woman!” cried Voldemort, handing out cigars and casually neglecting to light them.
“Narcissa?” asked Lucius. “Oh, she’s been found for years.”
“No, the perfect woman for me. A Dark Queen to rule the night at my side and terrorize the forces of good to madness! An evil goddess to be my helpmate in all the awful, nasty things I do. Every evil overlord has to have a Dark Queen, right?”
“If you want to be horribly cliché, sure,” said Snape.
“So,” said Voldemort, “I have finally found her!”
“Where’d you meet her?” asked Snape, “I can’t imagine you found the epitome of female evil walking down the dairy aisle of the Sainsbury Local.”
“No, I did not,” snapped Voldemort. “Which reminds me, Lucius. Here’s the Cadbury Eggs you asked me to buy.”
“All right!”
“I haven’t exactly met her yet,” said Voldemort, peeling the chocolate wrappers off for Lucius, who usually had trouble with such things.
“You haven’t met her?” asked Wormtail, “Then how do you know she’s right for you?”
“She seems very evil,” said Voldemort. “I was watching ‘Hardball’ on television last night, and she was one of the guests. You should have seen her defend her indefensible position! She ranted and raved, and if anyone attempted to say something opposing to her view, she shut them down with a well placed insult!”
“You want a politician to be your Dark Queen?” asked Snape, raising an eyebrow.
“Not a politician. They’re not evil enough. I want a talking head to rule at my side. Who would dare disagree with me? She would yell them down in seconds.”
“Ish thee riigh?” asked Lucius, his mouth full of chocolate and fondant goodness.
“What?” asked Voldemort. “Lucius, swallow before you talk.”
“Is she right?” asked Lucius again. “If she’s right, you wouldn’t be able to be with her because you’re evil and therefore inherently wrong.”
“In her opinions? Who cares?” asked Voldemort. “She is a natural divider. She wrote these books…you should see the titles. Pure disrespect for any opinion not her own, and willing to use underhanded tactics to convince the unknowing she’s right. She naturally assumes that people are so dumb, they’ll never fact check anything. We’re perfect for each other.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” said Wormtail. “Not…HER.”
“Yes, HER! My soon-to-be-Evil-Queen. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! I will find her, sweep her off her feet, and together, we will make my politics the only politics!”
“But will she agree with you?” asked Snape. “Provided, of course, that you actually can meet this woman you saw on the television, you then have to convince her that you are right and everything she’s known up until that point is wrong. And from what you’ve said about her, I think you’d only get yelled at.”
“Plus,” added Lucius, “I think she’s a man.”
Voldemort, Snape and Wormtail just stared at him. “What?” asked Lucius. “She is!”
(Author's Note: As always, Harry Potter does not belong to me. Neither do Voldemort, Snape or the Death Eaters. All hail J.K.! This is dedicated to The Marty. She knows why.)
Lord Voldemort Finds the Woman of His Dreams
“I have found her!” shouted Lord Voldemort, bursting into the waiting room where Lucius, Snape and Wormtail were hanging around playing darts on a board made up with Dumbledore’s face.
“Found who?” asked Wormtail.
“The perfect woman!” cried Voldemort, handing out cigars and casually neglecting to light them.
“Narcissa?” asked Lucius. “Oh, she’s been found for years.”
“No, the perfect woman for me. A Dark Queen to rule the night at my side and terrorize the forces of good to madness! An evil goddess to be my helpmate in all the awful, nasty things I do. Every evil overlord has to have a Dark Queen, right?”
“If you want to be horribly cliché, sure,” said Snape.
“So,” said Voldemort, “I have finally found her!”
“Where’d you meet her?” asked Snape, “I can’t imagine you found the epitome of female evil walking down the dairy aisle of the Sainsbury Local.”
“No, I did not,” snapped Voldemort. “Which reminds me, Lucius. Here’s the Cadbury Eggs you asked me to buy.”
“All right!”
“I haven’t exactly met her yet,” said Voldemort, peeling the chocolate wrappers off for Lucius, who usually had trouble with such things.
“You haven’t met her?” asked Wormtail, “Then how do you know she’s right for you?”
“She seems very evil,” said Voldemort. “I was watching ‘Hardball’ on television last night, and she was one of the guests. You should have seen her defend her indefensible position! She ranted and raved, and if anyone attempted to say something opposing to her view, she shut them down with a well placed insult!”
“You want a politician to be your Dark Queen?” asked Snape, raising an eyebrow.
“Not a politician. They’re not evil enough. I want a talking head to rule at my side. Who would dare disagree with me? She would yell them down in seconds.”
“Ish thee riigh?” asked Lucius, his mouth full of chocolate and fondant goodness.
“What?” asked Voldemort. “Lucius, swallow before you talk.”
“Is she right?” asked Lucius again. “If she’s right, you wouldn’t be able to be with her because you’re evil and therefore inherently wrong.”
“In her opinions? Who cares?” asked Voldemort. “She is a natural divider. She wrote these books…you should see the titles. Pure disrespect for any opinion not her own, and willing to use underhanded tactics to convince the unknowing she’s right. She naturally assumes that people are so dumb, they’ll never fact check anything. We’re perfect for each other.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” said Wormtail. “Not…HER.”
“Yes, HER! My soon-to-be-Evil-Queen. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! I will find her, sweep her off her feet, and together, we will make my politics the only politics!”
“But will she agree with you?” asked Snape. “Provided, of course, that you actually can meet this woman you saw on the television, you then have to convince her that you are right and everything she’s known up until that point is wrong. And from what you’ve said about her, I think you’d only get yelled at.”
“Plus,” added Lucius, “I think she’s a man.”
Voldemort, Snape and Wormtail just stared at him. “What?” asked Lucius. “She is!”