Signs: Breadbox Edition
I'm back from vacation. And I have two movie reviews and a book review to write up. But, I'll talk about that more later, when I have more time. For now, here's an older Breadbox Edition of Signs. I figured it would be appropriate to trot out a BBE about aliens since I'll be talking about War of the Worlds before too long. Enjoy!
(Author’s Note: Signs does not belong to me. It belongs to Touchstone Pictures and M. Night Shyamalan. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for his or her own indignation.)
SIGNS: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. A FARMHOUSE
SHOT OF FARMHOUSE - DAY
SHOT OF FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
SHOT OF FARMHOUSE - DAY
AUDIENCE
So, a farmhouse, I’m guessing?
MEL GIBSON
My life is calm and good.
SUBTLE THINGS
No, it’s not! No, it’s not!
CROP CIRCLES
Argh! Let’s get this show on the road!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I am here to get out from under the shadow of my dead brother.
RORY CULKIN
Me too. Wait, he’s not dead.
ABIGAIL BRESLIN
I’m adorable. And neurotic.
CHERRY JONES
Okay, outside character entering the movie. Time to give vague hints.
Blah, blah, blah, DEAD WIFE, blah, blah, blah, LOSS OF FAITH, blah, blah, blah, RORY HAS ASTHMA.
AUDIENCE
When do we get to the aliens?
DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
Frankly, the aliens aren’t that important.
DOG
Argh! Crop circles! Must freak out!
ABIGAIL is only SLIGHTLY traumatized by a DOG ATTACK.
CHERRY
So, now what, Father?
AUDIENCE
*blinks; looks at kids*
SHYAMALAN
Episcopalian.
AUDIENCE
We knew that.
MEL
Don’t call me “Father.” I’ve lost my faith. Leave me alone!
ABIGAIL
I’m going to watch TV and obsess about water.
TV ANCHOR
Argh! Crop circles! Must freak out!
AUDIENCE
Wow, there sure are a lot of them in India.
SHYAMALAN
Yeah, how ‘bout that?
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
MEL starts to have the FLASHBACK OF HIS WIFE’S DEATH.
AUDIENCE
Finally, some clear exposition.
ABIGAIL
Wake up, Dad.
AUDIENCE
Dammit.
ABIGAIL
There’s someone on the roof. I am barely concerned
about it. I’m too busy obsessing about water.
ALIEN
HELP! I’m stuck on your roof!
JOAQUIN
Let’s scare him away. Distract him.
MEL
Turns out, I’m hilarious.
ALIEN
Wait, I can just jump off. Duh. Run to the corn!
CHERRY
I’m back. More vague information on the way.
Blah, blah, blah, JOAQUIN’S A FORMER BASEBALL STAR, blah, blah, blah, WALKIE-TALKIE, blah, blah, blah, ABIGAIL’S WATER OBSESSION.
MEL
We’re going to change the scenery. Don’t get used to it.
EXT. SMALL TOWN AMERICA
AUDIENCE
What is this, the ‘50s?
RORY
I believe in aliens.
PHARMACY GIRL
Me too. That’s why I’m going to confess all my
sins to Mel in the middle of the store.
MEL
Thanks for sharing.
JOAQUIN
I used to be somebody who could swing real hard.
SOME GUY
Bah. You sucked.
JOAQUIN
And you are?
SHYAMALAN
Here comes my cameo.
MEL
Hey, there’s the guy who killed my wife.
AUDIENCE
The director?
EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
RORY picks up TWO ALIENS YAKKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES on his WALKIE-TALKIE.
ALIEN ONE
So I said, “Girl, you deserve so much better.”
ALIEN TWO
Oh, absolutely.
RORY
This is getting really creepy.
MEL/JOAQUIN
Not buying it.
TV ANCHOR
Argh! Lights in the sky! Must freak out!
JOAQUIN
Okay, buying it now.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
A REALLY TENSE MOMENT is totally ruined by the TRAILER.
JOAQUIN
Mel, I’m scared. Comfort me.
MEL
Some people have faith. Some don’t. Those with
faith are better off because they believe someone
is looking out for them. Do you have faith?
JOAQUIN
Yes. I feel much better now. Do you have faith, Mel?
MEL
Did I comfort you?
JOAQUIN
Yes.
MEL
Then what does it matter?
JOAQUIN
Okay.
MEL
I don’t have faith. We’re all going to die. Swing away, Joaquin.
JOAQUIN
Um, slightly less comforted now.
INT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
MEL starts to have the FLASHBACK OF HIS WIFE’S DEATH.
AUDIENCE
Information! Yay!
PHONE rings.
AUDIENCE (cont.)
Dammit.
SHYAMALAN
Father…*click*
MEL
Huh. You’d think he’d at least finish his
sentences for the guy whose wife he killed.
EXT. ANOTHER LOCATION
AUDIENCE
Another location? Wow, you mean there are three places in this movie?
SHYAMALAN
Sorry I killed your wife.
AUDIENCE
Okay, now you’ve crossed the line
between cameo and supporting role.
MEL
It’s not you I’m angry at.
SHYAMALAN
It’s almost as if it were meant to be.
AUDIENCE
Dude, shut up. Don’t provoke Mad Max.
SHYAMALAN
Um, there’s an alien in my pantry.
MEL/AUDIENCE
What?
SHYAMALAN
Yeah, and they don’t like water.
MEL/AUDIENCE
What? How do you know this?
SHYAMALAN
Hey, I’m not director for nothing.
INT. STILL ANOTHER LOCATION
MEL
I’m still hilarious in tense situations.
ALIEN
Damn this pantry door! I can’t get through it!
That solid oak construction!
AUDIENCE
Um…Mel? Why don’t you get some help?
MEL
Maybe I can use this knife to look at the alien under the door.
MEL uses the reflection in the KNIFE to try and see the ALIEN.
Somewhere along the way, SHYAMALAN crosses the line between SUSPENSE and DULL.
ALIEN
Time to end this scene. Grrr!
ALIEN has very scary CLAWS.
MEL/AUDIENCE
AAAHHH!
MEL chops off very scary CLAWS.
INT. FARMHOUSE
MEL
Yep. It’s aliens. What’s with the foil hats?
JOAQUIN
The aliens can read our minds.
AUDIENCE
Honey, there isn’t a thought in your head they’d want.
MEL
The director told me the aliens don’t like water.
Let’s go somewhere with a lake.
RORY
No. We want to turn this into Night of the Living Dead.
MEL
Well, we better board up the windows, then.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
MEL
We’re all trapped in the house now. Bring on the aliens!
ALIENS arrive and try and break in.
MEL
Good thing we put up all those boards. It should hold them
out. I mean, that other alien couldn’t get through the door.
ABIGAIL
I’m scared.
RORY
Me too.
AUDIENCE
Amazing how Shayamalan can make children actually act.
MEL is really SWEET while comforting the CHILDREN.
ALIENS
Ahem!
SHAYAMALAN
Hang on a minute! You are not the focus of this movie!
ALIENS bust through the ATTIC.
JOAQUIN
Oops.
MEL
C’mon, down cellar. It’ll be scarier there.
IT IS.
MEL
Quick, Joaquin. I need something to block the door.
JOAQUIN grabs an AX and promptly knocks out the ONLY LIGHT.
AUDIENCE
Swing away, dumbass.
JOAQUIN and MEL block DOOR with AX and find a FLASHLIGHT. ALIENS pound like hell on it. It is all VERY SCARY.
MEL
They’re just making noise now. They’re distracting us.
JOAQUIN
I dunno. They seem to be trying pretty hard to get in to me.
MEL
Let’s find the coal shaft.
RORY
I’ll help.
AUDIENCE
Argh! NO!
RORY finds the COAL SHAFT and an ALIEN is already there.
AUDIENCE
Aw, shit.
RORY has an ASTHMA ATTACK. ALIENS attempting to break down DOOR are completely FORGOTTEN and entirely IRRELEVANT.
MEL
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
AUDIENCE
At least he’s talking to God again.
INT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
JOAQUIN
We survived the night and the aliens left. We’re not
exactly sure why they were here in the first place, though.
MEL
Let’s get Rory his medicine and everything will be all right.
JOAQUIN
Thank God that’s over.
ALIEN
Remember me? You chopped off my finger!
I’m going to kill your son!
AUDIENCE
Um…wow, that’s not at all real looking.
MEL starts to have a FLASHBACK OF WHEN HIS WIFE DIED.
AUDIENCE
NOW?!
MEL’S DEAD WIFE
Swing away, Joaquin.
MEL comes back to the PRESENT.
ALIEN
Hey, are you paying any attention to me?
ALIEN sways back and forth like he’s about to STEAL SECOND.
MEL
Swing away, Joaquin.
ALIEN
That’s it. I’m gassing your son. Will that get your attention?
Despite the fact that he’s shown LESS THAN STELLAR intelligence in the past, JOAQUIN figures out what the hell MEL is talking about, and takes a bat to the ALIEN.
MEL grabs RORY and runs.
MEL
I know you’ll live. I’ve found my faith and I know that every
single event in my life has been leading up to this moment.
To emphasize this, JOAQUIN smacks one of ABIGAIL’S GLASSES OF WATER into the ALIEN.
ALIEN
Aw crap! Water! It’s poison to us aliens! I knew it was a
stupid idea to invade a planet that was two-thirds water!
ABIGAIL
See, even my water obsession has vital importance in the scheme of things.
MEL
So, Rory has to live!
ALIEN dies of WATER ON THE BRAIN. RORY lives.
MEL
I will become a reverend again. I love you, God.
AUDIENCE
Damn, I thought this was a movie about aliens!
(Author’s Note: Signs does not belong to me. It belongs to Touchstone Pictures and M. Night Shyamalan. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for his or her own indignation.)
SIGNS: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. A FARMHOUSE
SHOT OF FARMHOUSE - DAY
SHOT OF FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
SHOT OF FARMHOUSE - DAY
AUDIENCE
So, a farmhouse, I’m guessing?
MEL GIBSON
My life is calm and good.
SUBTLE THINGS
No, it’s not! No, it’s not!
CROP CIRCLES
Argh! Let’s get this show on the road!
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I am here to get out from under the shadow of my dead brother.
RORY CULKIN
Me too. Wait, he’s not dead.
ABIGAIL BRESLIN
I’m adorable. And neurotic.
CHERRY JONES
Okay, outside character entering the movie. Time to give vague hints.
Blah, blah, blah, DEAD WIFE, blah, blah, blah, LOSS OF FAITH, blah, blah, blah, RORY HAS ASTHMA.
AUDIENCE
When do we get to the aliens?
DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
Frankly, the aliens aren’t that important.
DOG
Argh! Crop circles! Must freak out!
ABIGAIL is only SLIGHTLY traumatized by a DOG ATTACK.
CHERRY
So, now what, Father?
AUDIENCE
*blinks; looks at kids*
SHYAMALAN
Episcopalian.
AUDIENCE
We knew that.
MEL
Don’t call me “Father.” I’ve lost my faith. Leave me alone!
ABIGAIL
I’m going to watch TV and obsess about water.
TV ANCHOR
Argh! Crop circles! Must freak out!
AUDIENCE
Wow, there sure are a lot of them in India.
SHYAMALAN
Yeah, how ‘bout that?
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
MEL starts to have the FLASHBACK OF HIS WIFE’S DEATH.
AUDIENCE
Finally, some clear exposition.
ABIGAIL
Wake up, Dad.
AUDIENCE
Dammit.
ABIGAIL
There’s someone on the roof. I am barely concerned
about it. I’m too busy obsessing about water.
ALIEN
HELP! I’m stuck on your roof!
JOAQUIN
Let’s scare him away. Distract him.
MEL
Turns out, I’m hilarious.
ALIEN
Wait, I can just jump off. Duh. Run to the corn!
CHERRY
I’m back. More vague information on the way.
Blah, blah, blah, JOAQUIN’S A FORMER BASEBALL STAR, blah, blah, blah, WALKIE-TALKIE, blah, blah, blah, ABIGAIL’S WATER OBSESSION.
MEL
We’re going to change the scenery. Don’t get used to it.
EXT. SMALL TOWN AMERICA
AUDIENCE
What is this, the ‘50s?
RORY
I believe in aliens.
PHARMACY GIRL
Me too. That’s why I’m going to confess all my
sins to Mel in the middle of the store.
MEL
Thanks for sharing.
JOAQUIN
I used to be somebody who could swing real hard.
SOME GUY
Bah. You sucked.
JOAQUIN
And you are?
SHYAMALAN
Here comes my cameo.
MEL
Hey, there’s the guy who killed my wife.
AUDIENCE
The director?
EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
RORY picks up TWO ALIENS YAKKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES on his WALKIE-TALKIE.
ALIEN ONE
So I said, “Girl, you deserve so much better.”
ALIEN TWO
Oh, absolutely.
RORY
This is getting really creepy.
MEL/JOAQUIN
Not buying it.
TV ANCHOR
Argh! Lights in the sky! Must freak out!
JOAQUIN
Okay, buying it now.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
A REALLY TENSE MOMENT is totally ruined by the TRAILER.
JOAQUIN
Mel, I’m scared. Comfort me.
MEL
Some people have faith. Some don’t. Those with
faith are better off because they believe someone
is looking out for them. Do you have faith?
JOAQUIN
Yes. I feel much better now. Do you have faith, Mel?
MEL
Did I comfort you?
JOAQUIN
Yes.
MEL
Then what does it matter?
JOAQUIN
Okay.
MEL
I don’t have faith. We’re all going to die. Swing away, Joaquin.
JOAQUIN
Um, slightly less comforted now.
INT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
MEL starts to have the FLASHBACK OF HIS WIFE’S DEATH.
AUDIENCE
Information! Yay!
PHONE rings.
AUDIENCE (cont.)
Dammit.
SHYAMALAN
Father…*click*
MEL
Huh. You’d think he’d at least finish his
sentences for the guy whose wife he killed.
EXT. ANOTHER LOCATION
AUDIENCE
Another location? Wow, you mean there are three places in this movie?
SHYAMALAN
Sorry I killed your wife.
AUDIENCE
Okay, now you’ve crossed the line
between cameo and supporting role.
MEL
It’s not you I’m angry at.
SHYAMALAN
It’s almost as if it were meant to be.
AUDIENCE
Dude, shut up. Don’t provoke Mad Max.
SHYAMALAN
Um, there’s an alien in my pantry.
MEL/AUDIENCE
What?
SHYAMALAN
Yeah, and they don’t like water.
MEL/AUDIENCE
What? How do you know this?
SHYAMALAN
Hey, I’m not director for nothing.
INT. STILL ANOTHER LOCATION
MEL
I’m still hilarious in tense situations.
ALIEN
Damn this pantry door! I can’t get through it!
That solid oak construction!
AUDIENCE
Um…Mel? Why don’t you get some help?
MEL
Maybe I can use this knife to look at the alien under the door.
MEL uses the reflection in the KNIFE to try and see the ALIEN.
Somewhere along the way, SHYAMALAN crosses the line between SUSPENSE and DULL.
ALIEN
Time to end this scene. Grrr!
ALIEN has very scary CLAWS.
MEL/AUDIENCE
AAAHHH!
MEL chops off very scary CLAWS.
INT. FARMHOUSE
MEL
Yep. It’s aliens. What’s with the foil hats?
JOAQUIN
The aliens can read our minds.
AUDIENCE
Honey, there isn’t a thought in your head they’d want.
MEL
The director told me the aliens don’t like water.
Let’s go somewhere with a lake.
RORY
No. We want to turn this into Night of the Living Dead.
MEL
Well, we better board up the windows, then.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
MEL
We’re all trapped in the house now. Bring on the aliens!
ALIENS arrive and try and break in.
MEL
Good thing we put up all those boards. It should hold them
out. I mean, that other alien couldn’t get through the door.
ABIGAIL
I’m scared.
RORY
Me too.
AUDIENCE
Amazing how Shayamalan can make children actually act.
MEL is really SWEET while comforting the CHILDREN.
ALIENS
Ahem!
SHAYAMALAN
Hang on a minute! You are not the focus of this movie!
ALIENS bust through the ATTIC.
JOAQUIN
Oops.
MEL
C’mon, down cellar. It’ll be scarier there.
IT IS.
MEL
Quick, Joaquin. I need something to block the door.
JOAQUIN grabs an AX and promptly knocks out the ONLY LIGHT.
AUDIENCE
Swing away, dumbass.
JOAQUIN and MEL block DOOR with AX and find a FLASHLIGHT. ALIENS pound like hell on it. It is all VERY SCARY.
MEL
They’re just making noise now. They’re distracting us.
JOAQUIN
I dunno. They seem to be trying pretty hard to get in to me.
MEL
Let’s find the coal shaft.
RORY
I’ll help.
AUDIENCE
Argh! NO!
RORY finds the COAL SHAFT and an ALIEN is already there.
AUDIENCE
Aw, shit.
RORY has an ASTHMA ATTACK. ALIENS attempting to break down DOOR are completely FORGOTTEN and entirely IRRELEVANT.
MEL
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
AUDIENCE
At least he’s talking to God again.
INT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
JOAQUIN
We survived the night and the aliens left. We’re not
exactly sure why they were here in the first place, though.
MEL
Let’s get Rory his medicine and everything will be all right.
JOAQUIN
Thank God that’s over.
ALIEN
Remember me? You chopped off my finger!
I’m going to kill your son!
AUDIENCE
Um…wow, that’s not at all real looking.
MEL starts to have a FLASHBACK OF WHEN HIS WIFE DIED.
AUDIENCE
NOW?!
MEL’S DEAD WIFE
Swing away, Joaquin.
MEL comes back to the PRESENT.
ALIEN
Hey, are you paying any attention to me?
ALIEN sways back and forth like he’s about to STEAL SECOND.
MEL
Swing away, Joaquin.
ALIEN
That’s it. I’m gassing your son. Will that get your attention?
Despite the fact that he’s shown LESS THAN STELLAR intelligence in the past, JOAQUIN figures out what the hell MEL is talking about, and takes a bat to the ALIEN.
MEL grabs RORY and runs.
MEL
I know you’ll live. I’ve found my faith and I know that every
single event in my life has been leading up to this moment.
To emphasize this, JOAQUIN smacks one of ABIGAIL’S GLASSES OF WATER into the ALIEN.
ALIEN
Aw crap! Water! It’s poison to us aliens! I knew it was a
stupid idea to invade a planet that was two-thirds water!
ABIGAIL
See, even my water obsession has vital importance in the scheme of things.
MEL
So, Rory has to live!
ALIEN dies of WATER ON THE BRAIN. RORY lives.
MEL
I will become a reverend again. I love you, God.
AUDIENCE
Damn, I thought this was a movie about aliens!