Star Wars IV: A New Hope: Breadbox Edition
Unfortunately, I couldn't get this done before "Revenge of the Sith" came out, so I apologize to those who've already seen that movie and expected this beforehand. It is out before I've seen "Sith," though, so I reached at least one of my goals. I'm seeing "Sith" tonight, so expect a review in the next day or so. Hell, if it's good, I might have one up at about 1:30 a.m.
Also wanted to let you know that after I do a BBE of "Sith" (how could I not?), I'm not going to do "Empire Strikes Back" right away. Two "Star Wars" movies in a row is enough for a little while anyway. But "Empire" will be put on my list of movies to BBE.
Enough of this. Time for "Star Wars!"
(Author’s note: “Star Wars” is still not mine. It belongs to Lucas Films. George will be milking us for money all our lives. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation. Wow, took me long enough to do the Classic series, didn’t it?)
STAR WARS IV: A NEW HOPE: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
The BACKSTORY wanders by.
AUDIENCE
Ah, for the days when I didn’t have to identify
“Star Wars” movies based on an episode number.
EXT: SPACE 1977
A TINY MODEL SPACESHIP is taken over by a LARGER MODEL after an exchange of special effects.
STORMTROOPERS manage to shoot down REBELS for the FIRST and ONLY time in the entire SERIES. But a STORMTROOPER still finds a way to DIE FIRST.
DARTH VADER
Fear me, for I am the coolest bad guy ever!
Or I was until the prequels came out.
C3-PO
(very British)
Oh, no! We’re all going to die!
R2-D2
Beeep-wop boop.
(Stop following me, you gold-plated freak!)
PRINCESS LEIA gives something to R2-D2 while C3-PO COMPLAINS.
DARTH VADER
Grrr…I’m so evil, I kill people before they can answer my questions.
STORMTROOPERS corner PRINCESS LEIA.
STORMTROOPER
Lady, we may not be the best shots in the galaxy,
but there’s more of us than of you. You might as well-
PRINCESS LEIA kills him DEAD.
PRINCESS LEIA
Don’t “Lady” me, buddy. I may have bagels on my
head, but that doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass.
DROIDS escape while C3-PO COMPLAINS.
GUNNER
There’s something trying to leave.
CAPTAIN
Not now. I’m on my coffee break.
PRINCESS LEIA gets dragged up before DARTH VADER.
DARTH VADER
Give me the plans.
PRINCESS LEIA
No.
DARTH VADER
Damn. Thwarted again.
EXT. A BARREN WASTELAND
C3-PO
(extremely British)
Oh no! We’re all going to die!
R2-D2
Beep-bop. Whoop-boop.
(Don’t you ever shut up?)
They MILL AROUND.
AUDIENCE
George, we know you love Tunisia. But. We. Don’t. Care.
C3-PO wanders into the DESERT, hopefully to RUST and never complain or make a bad joke again.
JAWAS
We hate to dash your hopes, but he and R2-D2 are plot points.
R2-D2
Beep-woop-wop.
(Well, I am anyway.)
JAWAS
We also sound like the mice from Disney’s Cinderella.
“They make Cinder-elly work, work, work!”
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Hmmm, I think I’ll add a totally unnecessary special effects scene
right…about…HERE.
CUE: UNNECESSARY ADDITION TO THE FILM
EXT. A HOLE IN THE GROUND
LUKE SKYWALKER
Setting whine to “low”.
AUNT BERU
Luke, make sure you get a droid that plays bocce.
LUKE SKYWALKER
With this lot, we’ll be lucky if it plays lawn darts.
Though a number of LUCKY COINCIDENCES both C3-PO and R2-D2 get bought.
LUKE SKYWALKER
ANGST. Well, not yet, actually. More like, TEEN ANGST.
R2-D2
Weep-wop. Boop.
(Hey, wanna add some irresolvable sexual tension to that?)
R2-D2 shows a CHEESY HOLOGRAM OF PRINCESS LEIA.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Hello, intergalactic nurse!
AUNT BERU
Dorothy! DORO…wait, no. LUKE! Come here
so Owen and I can have some foreshadowing!
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Hey, at least I’m being subtle still.
TUNISIA is a helluva lot PRETTIER with TWO SUNS.
R2-D2
Whoooop. Bop.
(Must…ditch…morons.)
R2-D2 gets the HELL AWAY.
C3-PO
(excessively British)
Oh no! He’s going to die!
LUKE and C3-PO go after him and nearly get themselves KILLED.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
It’s a good thing I’m here or this movie
would be over before it started.
R2-D2
Beeep. Wop-boop.
(Oh, no. Not you people again.)
LUKE SKYWALKER
I’m glad to see you. I’ve been looking for you,
for you are old and wise.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Well, I’m Sir Alec Guinness. I rule.
INT. DIFFERENT HOLE IN THE GROUND
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Your dad was an awesome guy.
LUKE SKYWALKER
It makes me so happy to hear that.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Have a lightsaber.
LUKE SKYWALKER
How did my father die?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
I cannot take refuge in a comfortable lie. So, I shall take refuge in
a really uncomfortable one. For it is the will of the Force.
LUKE SKYWALKER
What is the Force?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
The Force is all around us, generated by *CENSORED*
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
You didn’t hear that!
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Speaking of potentially awkward things, watch this.
CHEESY HOLOGRAM OF PRINCESS LEIA
Obi-Wan, you are the first of many only hopes in this series.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Hey. Pretty lady.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Don’t get any ideas. Trust me. Ready to go save the universe?
LUKE SKYWALKER
Ummm…
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Too bad.
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOOOM
BITCHY LEADERS
We don’t think you’re all that great, Darth Vader.
DARTH VADER
You dare deny that I am the best thing ever to wear black and
breathe menacingly? Die!
BITCHY LEADERS
We’re sorry. You’re cool.
EXT. RUINED JAWA MACK TRUCK
OBI-WAN KENOBI
The Empire is here. Only Imperial storm troopers are so precise.
AUDIENCE
Uh-huh. Well, it’s been awhile since you’ve seen any,
so we’ll forgive you that inaccuracy.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Wait, that means the Imperials will have destroyed my home!
OBI-WAN
Wait. Don’t. Stop. Whatever.
UNCLE OWEN and AUNT BERU are VERY, VERY DEAD.
LUKE SKYWALKER
I have real angst now. I guess I’ll save the universe.
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOM
DARTH VADER tortures PRINCESS LEIA with a FLOATING BLACK EASTER EGG. It’s scary. YES, IT IS.
INT. YET ANOTHER HOLE IN THE GROUND
CUE: ANOTHER UNNECESSARY SPECIAL EFFECTS SCENE COMPLETE WITH GEORGE LUCAS BRAND “HUMOR”TM
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Jedi mind tricks aren’t really ethical, but hey, they’re a lot of fun.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Setting whine to “medium”.
INT. HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY…I GUESS
The HIVE OF SCUM AN VILLAINY has a great HOUSE BAND.
LUKE SKYWALKER
I have a habit of pissing people off just by existing.
OBI-WAN saves him, and SOME ALIEN becomes the CHARTER MEMBER of the SEVERED LIMBS OF STAR WARS CLUB.
OMG HAN SOLO!
HAN SOLO
I think the classic “Star Wars” may be better by virtue
of their vast numbers of awesome characters.
CHEWBACCA
RAWWRRRR!
(I concur.)
OBI-WAN KENOBI
So, can you take us to the rubble formally known as Alderaan?
HAN SOLO
Sure. But let’s have a brief pause so I can kill someone.
GREEDO
You owe Jabba money. Though this isn’t all that important in this movie.
HAN SOLO
I’ll get his money. Chill.
HAN kills him unprovoked. YES, HE DOES.
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOM
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
Vader, why do you listen to me at all? I have “Moff” in my name.
INT. ONE OF THE HOLES IN THE GROUND - DOES IT MATTER WHICH ONE?
JABBA THE HUTT
Hey there. Let me repeat things unnecessarily.
HAN SOLO
It’s not like anyone can tell. You’re not subtitled.
“HUMOR” covers a SPECIAL EFFECTS gaff.
AUDIENCE
Wow, this is useless.
EXT. HOLE. IN GROUND. AGAIN.
SOME ALIEN lets the IMPERIALS know they’re escaping.
HAN SOLO
Okay, leaving now. I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?
CHEWBACCA
GRAWR-RUMBLE!
(It is entirely possible.)
LUKE SKYWALKER
I’m annoying!
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOM
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
Tell me where the rebels are or I’ll blow up a planet.
PRINCESS LEIA
Were we always in Alderaan’s orbit or did we travel here?
What’s the top speed of this moon sized station?
BOOM! A model EXPLODES.
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
I’m kinda evil, aren’t I?
DARTH VADER
Surprisingly so.
INT. THE COOLEST SHIP EVER BUILT ON A SOUND STAGE. THAT’S RIGHT. BEAT THIS, ENTERPRISE.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
I feel a disturbance. As if million childhood memories cried
out in terror of a movie-altering, megalomaniacal director,
and then were suddenly silenced.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
No, that’s a different movie, Obi-Wan.
CHEWBACCA and R2-D2 play CLAYMATION CHESS while LUKE is outsmarted by a FLOATING TENNIS BALL.
HAN SOLO
Ha! I laugh at your religion.
AUDIENCE
Do blood bourn parasites count as a religion?
HAN SOLO
Uh, does anyone else find the disappearance of Alderaan wrong?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
It was destroyed. By that moon there. That’s a space station.
And we’re going to be pulled in by it. I’m okay with this.
HAN SOLO
That’s messed up.
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOM
SOME OFFICER
There’s no one aboard this ship. Though we know how
accurate that assessment has been in the past.
DARTH VADER
Hmm, I sense a presence…that makes me talk to myself.
HAN SOLO
We’re just hiding. And, oh, this is going to end badly.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Yeah, probably.
THEY trick the most GULLIBLE STORMTROOPERS in EXISTENCE.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Setting whine to “high.”
OBI-WAN
I’ll turn off the tractor beam. Don’t go anywhere.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Yeah, right. As if anyone in this universe has ever listened to that advice.
R2-D2
Beeep-tweet. Wooooo.
(I instigate! I’m so good at that.)
LUKE SKYWALKER
Oh no! We have to rescue the princess!
HAN SOLO
No way. She’ll just turn out to be in another space station.
LUKE SKYWALKER
You’ll get a big reward. And win the girl when it turns
out I’m related to her!
INT. STILL IN ORNAMENT
DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN KENOBI play HIDE AND SEEK.
LUKE, HAN and CHEWBACCA try an ILL-ADVISED plan.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Hi, we’re here to SHOOT RANDOMLY AT YOU!
AMAZINGLY, this works.
PRINCESS LEIA
What the…?
LUKE SKYWALKER
Uh, hi. I didn’t really think this all the way through.
PRINCESS LEIA
That’s okay. I’m a fully capable female character.
LEIA saves them.
HAN SOLO
Oh, good. A garbage shoot. This isn’t disgusting at all.
PRINCESS LEIA
At least your outfit is made of plastic. I’m wearing a white dress.
LUKE SKYWALKER
At least you don’t get nearly eaten by the garbage monster.
HAN SOLO
How does that thing live in a compact anyway?
The WALLS close in.
LUKE SKYWALKER
C3-PO! We need your help!
STORMTROOPERS are OUTSMARTED by C3-PO. This is an ALL TIME LOW.
C3-PO
(way too British)
Oh no! They’re all going to die.
The DROIDS save the HUMANS.
HAN SOLO
Hey, why don’t I run off and do something stupid
so you two can have some alone time.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Uh, thanks?
PRINCESS LEIA
Who builds chasms with retractable bridges? Seriously.
What purpose does this fulfill?
LUKE SKYWALKER
I don’t know, but it gives me a chance to heroically
swing across with you under my arm.
PRINCESS LEIA
You’re kind of cute. Let me kiss you.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Okay, did that feel weird to you?
PRINCESS LEIA
Yeah, a little.
MEANWHILE:
DARTH VADER finds OBI-WAN KENOBI.
DARTH VADER
Tag! You’re It.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Let me call you “Darth.” Apparently, this is your first name.
No matter how LOW-TECH, LIGHTSABER battles still rock.
EVERYONE ELSE makes it back to the SHIP because STORMTROOPERS like to RUBBERNECK.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Ah, there’s Luke. Time to die.
POOF! He disappears.
DARTH VADER
That’s new.
LUKE freaks.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Run, you whiny little idiot.
The GOOD GUYS escape.
HAN SOLO
Hey, Luke. I know what will take your mind off your mentor’s
death. Shooting things!
LUKE SKYWALKER
Yeah, that kind of works.
HAN SOLO
Hope you don’t mind if I flirt with your girlfriend.
Argumentative women turn me on.
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
Well, good thing we put a tracking device on their ship
at some point in time.
EXT. SOME PLACE PRETTY
PRINCESS LEIA
This R2 unit contains the Death Star plans. Which is really a stupid
name for a weapon when you think about it. It’s more like a planet.
R2-D2
Weeee-op.
(Now I am the only hope!)
MEANWHILE:
The DEATH STAR appears to have a top speed of TWO MILES AN HOUR.
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
No, really. How does this thing travel star systems?
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Do you think I’m big on physics or something? I make
things blow up in space.
BACK AT THE REBEL RANCH:
GENERAL DODONNA
The Death Star is completely impenetrable. Except for one, completely
unprotected exhaust pipe. If we shoot into it, the entire station will
explode. I’m being completely serious.
AUDIENCE
Don’t worry. This is hardly the worst design we’ve seen. It’s actually
a step up from the one with its energy core in the ships’ hanger.
LUKE SKYWALKER
I can’t believe you’re abandoning us, Han.
HAN SOLO
I’ll be off now. I’ve got what I came for. I’m not really
a pirate with a heart of gold. Not at all.
CHEWBACCA
HWARRARR!
(We’ll see you at the climax, Kid.)
BIGGS DARKLIGHTER
Hi, I’m random! I give the appearance of a backstory without
actually having to supply any!
LUKE SKYWALKER
Hey, R2, ready to go off to certain death?
R2-D2
Beeep-booop-waaaah.
(Someone get me out of this ship!)
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Don’t worry, Luke. I’m here. You’ll be fine if my
disembodied voice doesn’t freak you out.
EXT. SPACE 1977
REBEL X-WINGS attack the DEATH STAR. This goes on for A WHILE so there will be some SUSPENSE before LUKE saves the day.
DARTH VADER
I am a high-ranking Imperial official. Of course it makes
sense for me to risk my life and the chain of command
by personally going out into the fray.
BIGGS DARKLIGHTER
*dies*
LUKE SKYWALKER
Oh no! Some who has been referenced twice is dead! I angst!
WEDGE ANTILLES
I will survive all three movies, despite incredible odds.
Probably because I have to drop out of this fight.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Oh no! It is up to me and my Atari -style targeting device
to save the day!
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Use the Force, Luke. In fact, even if you didn’t have the Force,
firing randomly would still probably work better than crappy
1970s graphics technology.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Setting whine to “kill.”
DARTH VADER
Oh, no you don’t!
HAN SOLO
I’m back to save you from Vader! I guess I really am a good guy after all.
BOOM! LUKE destroys the DEATH STAR, which has a rather limited EXPLOSIVE RANGE despite being so big.
DARTH VADER
Damn. Thwarted again.
THE REBELS throw a party, despite the fact that the people on the DEATH STAR probably sent the coordinates of the REBEL BASE to the rest of the IMPERIAL FLEET.
PRINCESS LEIA
I give you shinny medals, for nothing is better than that.
AUDIENCE
Hey, wait. Isn’t this scene in “Phantom Menace?”
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
What are you talking about? I never reuse ideas.
(A/N: I can’t help it. Despite how much I want to strangle Luke in this movie, I still like him better than Anakin. I think Luke’s annoying habits are more natural. He’s barely out of his teens, he’s a little naive and he’s been trapped on Tatooine all his life. Anakin is just petulant for no good reason I can see [except for when Shmi dies, but that’s different]. Plus, Luke grows out of his obnoxious phrase.)
Also wanted to let you know that after I do a BBE of "Sith" (how could I not?), I'm not going to do "Empire Strikes Back" right away. Two "Star Wars" movies in a row is enough for a little while anyway. But "Empire" will be put on my list of movies to BBE.
Enough of this. Time for "Star Wars!"
(Author’s note: “Star Wars” is still not mine. It belongs to Lucas Films. George will be milking us for money all our lives. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation. Wow, took me long enough to do the Classic series, didn’t it?)
STAR WARS IV: A NEW HOPE: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
The BACKSTORY wanders by.
AUDIENCE
Ah, for the days when I didn’t have to identify
“Star Wars” movies based on an episode number.
EXT: SPACE 1977
A TINY MODEL SPACESHIP is taken over by a LARGER MODEL after an exchange of special effects.
STORMTROOPERS manage to shoot down REBELS for the FIRST and ONLY time in the entire SERIES. But a STORMTROOPER still finds a way to DIE FIRST.
DARTH VADER
Fear me, for I am the coolest bad guy ever!
Or I was until the prequels came out.
C3-PO
(very British)
Oh, no! We’re all going to die!
R2-D2
Beeep-wop boop.
(Stop following me, you gold-plated freak!)
PRINCESS LEIA gives something to R2-D2 while C3-PO COMPLAINS.
DARTH VADER
Grrr…I’m so evil, I kill people before they can answer my questions.
STORMTROOPERS corner PRINCESS LEIA.
STORMTROOPER
Lady, we may not be the best shots in the galaxy,
but there’s more of us than of you. You might as well-
PRINCESS LEIA kills him DEAD.
PRINCESS LEIA
Don’t “Lady” me, buddy. I may have bagels on my
head, but that doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass.
DROIDS escape while C3-PO COMPLAINS.
GUNNER
There’s something trying to leave.
CAPTAIN
Not now. I’m on my coffee break.
PRINCESS LEIA gets dragged up before DARTH VADER.
DARTH VADER
Give me the plans.
PRINCESS LEIA
No.
DARTH VADER
Damn. Thwarted again.
EXT. A BARREN WASTELAND
C3-PO
(extremely British)
Oh no! We’re all going to die!
R2-D2
Beep-bop. Whoop-boop.
(Don’t you ever shut up?)
They MILL AROUND.
AUDIENCE
George, we know you love Tunisia. But. We. Don’t. Care.
C3-PO wanders into the DESERT, hopefully to RUST and never complain or make a bad joke again.
JAWAS
We hate to dash your hopes, but he and R2-D2 are plot points.
R2-D2
Beep-woop-wop.
(Well, I am anyway.)
JAWAS
We also sound like the mice from Disney’s Cinderella.
“They make Cinder-elly work, work, work!”
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Hmmm, I think I’ll add a totally unnecessary special effects scene
right…about…HERE.
CUE: UNNECESSARY ADDITION TO THE FILM
EXT. A HOLE IN THE GROUND
LUKE SKYWALKER
Setting whine to “low”.
AUNT BERU
Luke, make sure you get a droid that plays bocce.
LUKE SKYWALKER
With this lot, we’ll be lucky if it plays lawn darts.
Though a number of LUCKY COINCIDENCES both C3-PO and R2-D2 get bought.
LUKE SKYWALKER
ANGST. Well, not yet, actually. More like, TEEN ANGST.
R2-D2
Weep-wop. Boop.
(Hey, wanna add some irresolvable sexual tension to that?)
R2-D2 shows a CHEESY HOLOGRAM OF PRINCESS LEIA.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Hello, intergalactic nurse!
AUNT BERU
Dorothy! DORO…wait, no. LUKE! Come here
so Owen and I can have some foreshadowing!
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Hey, at least I’m being subtle still.
TUNISIA is a helluva lot PRETTIER with TWO SUNS.
R2-D2
Whoooop. Bop.
(Must…ditch…morons.)
R2-D2 gets the HELL AWAY.
C3-PO
(excessively British)
Oh no! He’s going to die!
LUKE and C3-PO go after him and nearly get themselves KILLED.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
It’s a good thing I’m here or this movie
would be over before it started.
R2-D2
Beeep. Wop-boop.
(Oh, no. Not you people again.)
LUKE SKYWALKER
I’m glad to see you. I’ve been looking for you,
for you are old and wise.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Well, I’m Sir Alec Guinness. I rule.
INT. DIFFERENT HOLE IN THE GROUND
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Your dad was an awesome guy.
LUKE SKYWALKER
It makes me so happy to hear that.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Have a lightsaber.
LUKE SKYWALKER
How did my father die?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
I cannot take refuge in a comfortable lie. So, I shall take refuge in
a really uncomfortable one. For it is the will of the Force.
LUKE SKYWALKER
What is the Force?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
The Force is all around us, generated by *CENSORED*
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
You didn’t hear that!
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Speaking of potentially awkward things, watch this.
CHEESY HOLOGRAM OF PRINCESS LEIA
Obi-Wan, you are the first of many only hopes in this series.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Hey. Pretty lady.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Don’t get any ideas. Trust me. Ready to go save the universe?
LUKE SKYWALKER
Ummm…
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Too bad.
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOOOM
BITCHY LEADERS
We don’t think you’re all that great, Darth Vader.
DARTH VADER
You dare deny that I am the best thing ever to wear black and
breathe menacingly? Die!
BITCHY LEADERS
We’re sorry. You’re cool.
EXT. RUINED JAWA MACK TRUCK
OBI-WAN KENOBI
The Empire is here. Only Imperial storm troopers are so precise.
AUDIENCE
Uh-huh. Well, it’s been awhile since you’ve seen any,
so we’ll forgive you that inaccuracy.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Wait, that means the Imperials will have destroyed my home!
OBI-WAN
Wait. Don’t. Stop. Whatever.
UNCLE OWEN and AUNT BERU are VERY, VERY DEAD.
LUKE SKYWALKER
I have real angst now. I guess I’ll save the universe.
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOM
DARTH VADER tortures PRINCESS LEIA with a FLOATING BLACK EASTER EGG. It’s scary. YES, IT IS.
INT. YET ANOTHER HOLE IN THE GROUND
CUE: ANOTHER UNNECESSARY SPECIAL EFFECTS SCENE COMPLETE WITH GEORGE LUCAS BRAND “HUMOR”TM
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Jedi mind tricks aren’t really ethical, but hey, they’re a lot of fun.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Setting whine to “medium”.
INT. HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY…I GUESS
The HIVE OF SCUM AN VILLAINY has a great HOUSE BAND.
LUKE SKYWALKER
I have a habit of pissing people off just by existing.
OBI-WAN saves him, and SOME ALIEN becomes the CHARTER MEMBER of the SEVERED LIMBS OF STAR WARS CLUB.
OMG HAN SOLO!
HAN SOLO
I think the classic “Star Wars” may be better by virtue
of their vast numbers of awesome characters.
CHEWBACCA
RAWWRRRR!
(I concur.)
OBI-WAN KENOBI
So, can you take us to the rubble formally known as Alderaan?
HAN SOLO
Sure. But let’s have a brief pause so I can kill someone.
GREEDO
You owe Jabba money. Though this isn’t all that important in this movie.
HAN SOLO
I’ll get his money. Chill.
HAN kills him unprovoked. YES, HE DOES.
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOM
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
Vader, why do you listen to me at all? I have “Moff” in my name.
INT. ONE OF THE HOLES IN THE GROUND - DOES IT MATTER WHICH ONE?
JABBA THE HUTT
Hey there. Let me repeat things unnecessarily.
HAN SOLO
It’s not like anyone can tell. You’re not subtitled.
“HUMOR” covers a SPECIAL EFFECTS gaff.
AUDIENCE
Wow, this is useless.
EXT. HOLE. IN GROUND. AGAIN.
SOME ALIEN lets the IMPERIALS know they’re escaping.
HAN SOLO
Okay, leaving now. I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?
CHEWBACCA
GRAWR-RUMBLE!
(It is entirely possible.)
LUKE SKYWALKER
I’m annoying!
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOM
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
Tell me where the rebels are or I’ll blow up a planet.
PRINCESS LEIA
Were we always in Alderaan’s orbit or did we travel here?
What’s the top speed of this moon sized station?
BOOM! A model EXPLODES.
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
I’m kinda evil, aren’t I?
DARTH VADER
Surprisingly so.
INT. THE COOLEST SHIP EVER BUILT ON A SOUND STAGE. THAT’S RIGHT. BEAT THIS, ENTERPRISE.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
I feel a disturbance. As if million childhood memories cried
out in terror of a movie-altering, megalomaniacal director,
and then were suddenly silenced.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
No, that’s a different movie, Obi-Wan.
CHEWBACCA and R2-D2 play CLAYMATION CHESS while LUKE is outsmarted by a FLOATING TENNIS BALL.
HAN SOLO
Ha! I laugh at your religion.
AUDIENCE
Do blood bourn parasites count as a religion?
HAN SOLO
Uh, does anyone else find the disappearance of Alderaan wrong?
OBI-WAN KENOBI
It was destroyed. By that moon there. That’s a space station.
And we’re going to be pulled in by it. I’m okay with this.
HAN SOLO
That’s messed up.
INT. GREY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT OF DOOM
SOME OFFICER
There’s no one aboard this ship. Though we know how
accurate that assessment has been in the past.
DARTH VADER
Hmm, I sense a presence…that makes me talk to myself.
HAN SOLO
We’re just hiding. And, oh, this is going to end badly.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Yeah, probably.
THEY trick the most GULLIBLE STORMTROOPERS in EXISTENCE.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Setting whine to “high.”
OBI-WAN
I’ll turn off the tractor beam. Don’t go anywhere.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Yeah, right. As if anyone in this universe has ever listened to that advice.
R2-D2
Beeep-tweet. Wooooo.
(I instigate! I’m so good at that.)
LUKE SKYWALKER
Oh no! We have to rescue the princess!
HAN SOLO
No way. She’ll just turn out to be in another space station.
LUKE SKYWALKER
You’ll get a big reward. And win the girl when it turns
out I’m related to her!
INT. STILL IN ORNAMENT
DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN KENOBI play HIDE AND SEEK.
LUKE, HAN and CHEWBACCA try an ILL-ADVISED plan.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Hi, we’re here to SHOOT RANDOMLY AT YOU!
AMAZINGLY, this works.
PRINCESS LEIA
What the…?
LUKE SKYWALKER
Uh, hi. I didn’t really think this all the way through.
PRINCESS LEIA
That’s okay. I’m a fully capable female character.
LEIA saves them.
HAN SOLO
Oh, good. A garbage shoot. This isn’t disgusting at all.
PRINCESS LEIA
At least your outfit is made of plastic. I’m wearing a white dress.
LUKE SKYWALKER
At least you don’t get nearly eaten by the garbage monster.
HAN SOLO
How does that thing live in a compact anyway?
The WALLS close in.
LUKE SKYWALKER
C3-PO! We need your help!
STORMTROOPERS are OUTSMARTED by C3-PO. This is an ALL TIME LOW.
C3-PO
(way too British)
Oh no! They’re all going to die.
The DROIDS save the HUMANS.
HAN SOLO
Hey, why don’t I run off and do something stupid
so you two can have some alone time.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Uh, thanks?
PRINCESS LEIA
Who builds chasms with retractable bridges? Seriously.
What purpose does this fulfill?
LUKE SKYWALKER
I don’t know, but it gives me a chance to heroically
swing across with you under my arm.
PRINCESS LEIA
You’re kind of cute. Let me kiss you.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Okay, did that feel weird to you?
PRINCESS LEIA
Yeah, a little.
MEANWHILE:
DARTH VADER finds OBI-WAN KENOBI.
DARTH VADER
Tag! You’re It.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Let me call you “Darth.” Apparently, this is your first name.
No matter how LOW-TECH, LIGHTSABER battles still rock.
EVERYONE ELSE makes it back to the SHIP because STORMTROOPERS like to RUBBERNECK.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Ah, there’s Luke. Time to die.
POOF! He disappears.
DARTH VADER
That’s new.
LUKE freaks.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Run, you whiny little idiot.
The GOOD GUYS escape.
HAN SOLO
Hey, Luke. I know what will take your mind off your mentor’s
death. Shooting things!
LUKE SKYWALKER
Yeah, that kind of works.
HAN SOLO
Hope you don’t mind if I flirt with your girlfriend.
Argumentative women turn me on.
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
Well, good thing we put a tracking device on their ship
at some point in time.
EXT. SOME PLACE PRETTY
PRINCESS LEIA
This R2 unit contains the Death Star plans. Which is really a stupid
name for a weapon when you think about it. It’s more like a planet.
R2-D2
Weeee-op.
(Now I am the only hope!)
MEANWHILE:
The DEATH STAR appears to have a top speed of TWO MILES AN HOUR.
GRAND MOFF TARKIN
No, really. How does this thing travel star systems?
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Do you think I’m big on physics or something? I make
things blow up in space.
BACK AT THE REBEL RANCH:
GENERAL DODONNA
The Death Star is completely impenetrable. Except for one, completely
unprotected exhaust pipe. If we shoot into it, the entire station will
explode. I’m being completely serious.
AUDIENCE
Don’t worry. This is hardly the worst design we’ve seen. It’s actually
a step up from the one with its energy core in the ships’ hanger.
LUKE SKYWALKER
I can’t believe you’re abandoning us, Han.
HAN SOLO
I’ll be off now. I’ve got what I came for. I’m not really
a pirate with a heart of gold. Not at all.
CHEWBACCA
HWARRARR!
(We’ll see you at the climax, Kid.)
BIGGS DARKLIGHTER
Hi, I’m random! I give the appearance of a backstory without
actually having to supply any!
LUKE SKYWALKER
Hey, R2, ready to go off to certain death?
R2-D2
Beeep-booop-waaaah.
(Someone get me out of this ship!)
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Don’t worry, Luke. I’m here. You’ll be fine if my
disembodied voice doesn’t freak you out.
EXT. SPACE 1977
REBEL X-WINGS attack the DEATH STAR. This goes on for A WHILE so there will be some SUSPENSE before LUKE saves the day.
DARTH VADER
I am a high-ranking Imperial official. Of course it makes
sense for me to risk my life and the chain of command
by personally going out into the fray.
BIGGS DARKLIGHTER
*dies*
LUKE SKYWALKER
Oh no! Some who has been referenced twice is dead! I angst!
WEDGE ANTILLES
I will survive all three movies, despite incredible odds.
Probably because I have to drop out of this fight.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Oh no! It is up to me and my Atari -style targeting device
to save the day!
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Use the Force, Luke. In fact, even if you didn’t have the Force,
firing randomly would still probably work better than crappy
1970s graphics technology.
LUKE SKYWALKER
Setting whine to “kill.”
DARTH VADER
Oh, no you don’t!
HAN SOLO
I’m back to save you from Vader! I guess I really am a good guy after all.
BOOM! LUKE destroys the DEATH STAR, which has a rather limited EXPLOSIVE RANGE despite being so big.
DARTH VADER
Damn. Thwarted again.
THE REBELS throw a party, despite the fact that the people on the DEATH STAR probably sent the coordinates of the REBEL BASE to the rest of the IMPERIAL FLEET.
PRINCESS LEIA
I give you shinny medals, for nothing is better than that.
AUDIENCE
Hey, wait. Isn’t this scene in “Phantom Menace?”
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
What are you talking about? I never reuse ideas.
(A/N: I can’t help it. Despite how much I want to strangle Luke in this movie, I still like him better than Anakin. I think Luke’s annoying habits are more natural. He’s barely out of his teens, he’s a little naive and he’s been trapped on Tatooine all his life. Anakin is just petulant for no good reason I can see [except for when Shmi dies, but that’s different]. Plus, Luke grows out of his obnoxious phrase.)