Popcorn For Breakfast
My breakfast, as indicated above, in a roundabout way is synonymous with place. This is the FAST place. The place of unhealthy lifestyle and the extremes. Over in Europe, I feasted but I also walked. A LOT. After more than 2 weeks away from the US, an empty fridge and no desire to eat. Grossed out with the thought of local fare after weeks of glorious Real Food and actual lifestyle... dem Leben mit Stil, a place where people don't drink wine from plastic cups. This morning, everything is surreal - yet again. I've returned to the Land Of Confusion, Land of BEFORE, Land Of Has-Beens, Personal Change, also Growth, the Place Of Fully Growing up. And I'm back on the emotional rollercoaster. Groenemeyer is with me und jedes Wort sitzt. You cannot understand. Unless you've been there. HE doesn't understand, on this side of the Atlantic. THEY don't understand on the other. I'm torn. So so torn. The more time passes the more fluidly I transition - and not. Even this can hardly be explained.
It would be fine if I weren't expected to choose. [Do I have to?] He says he wants to do this, he'll be ready to leave for Europe in a year or two. Expand the business. It'd be a brilliant move. Just in time. Nothing's ever just talk with him, we're alike that way. And yet, I'm not convinced. Until I see it. He just isn't good with change.
Now I got distracted and lost my train of thought. Lost the mood I started this entry with. He's obviously happy I'm back. I'm happy to be where he is - and not. Because I already miss THEM. I feel sorry. Guilty. Something has shifted and they're getting old. It's not so much physical, it's more about... stopping to go with time. Getting stuck at X, not moving forward to Y. The house is the same but older. So are its inhabitants. It shows here and there, most subtle. I called when I arrived at LAX and she cried. It's not something she usually does, much less in front of me and when it's ABOUT me. I was numb when I left them standing there at the airport, numb when I arrived at Chicago O'Hare, numb when I took the cab home from LAX.
As if I've finally learned to turn off my emotions for The Purpose Of Transit.
They're starting to hit now, now that I've slept and am officially back. It's over 30 Celsius here - 91F. And already, it's almost like I never left. Like Germany was a dream. Both so familiar, so "at home".
The question of questions in my mind again...
WAS IST DEUTSCHLAND?
Right now, the audio would be one obvious answer, H. Groenemeyer's high up there. You'd have to be an 80's child to get it. One that had an interest... in observation - of countries, society, social issues, less superfiscial matters. One who loves the German Way, and I mean the WAY you love. He's going from love songs to social critique and back. I think he's uniquely German in the way he approaches both. I did not see this yet when I lived there. There's a difference in the way people love. I think he captures the German way rather well. Understated but deep. Differences in depth, linked to attention span. I'm thinking the USA as a place has a major problem with its attention span. Exceptions, yeah yeah. No denying it though. Shows in everything.
The USA is ESFP http://www.typelogic.com/esfp.html. For the most part.
Germany is INTJ http://www.typelogic.com/intj.html. For the most part.
Total opposites.
And that's what can be so very attractive and at the same time so very unattractive, on either end. In the beginning, I liked the difference. It was what I needed. Leichtlebigkeit.
"Spassgesellschaft", Dad kept saying while I was there. And "Na, wunderbar!".
The first is some kind of Schlagwort at the moment as the country takes a spin into the hedonistic. The World Cup was timed well, quietly and not-so-quietly promoting the notion. Berlin going back to being Hedonistic Mecca, like in the olden days? Not impossible.
And why not? They deserve to have a good time, to finally let go of the past, to have Nationalstolz. Goddamnit! They fucking NEED Nationalstolz. Forget the nazi shit, it's been a long time, decades of somberness and guilt and putting down one's own country,
a whole nation, personally taking responsibility for events that occured pre-birth for most still alive today. It's a new age and a new kind of people and there's got to be an end to it all. The time is now. They need to find a way to let go. Remember but don't self-destruct. Again I'm thinking I can't explain this to him, or anyone here, anyone anywhere. You'd have to have been there. Sounds like an old record but it's true. Have to have been there to understand what it means to be German, born post war but just close enough to the big, despicable "IT", with grandparents who were there, saw history enfold - they were German and they were VICTIMS too. Especially Mom's parents. Nobody wants to hear it, it's always just about the other side, right?
For years now I've thought I need to put down THEIR story. It has to be recorded. It's not as one-sided as history books and all the stupid, tunnel-visioned Spielberg movies make it look. Everything is simplyfied in Hollywood. Americans LOVE good vs evil. As if it's that simple. It's time people started hearing the other side.
There's their story and it's personal. Refugees from the Russian forces entering the Eastern parts on one side, a small farming community tucked into Hessia in what became the American sector on the other - 2 sets of grandparents. Mine.
Who here even knows what Silisia/Schlesien is and what it means to people who were from there...? [Look it up, heh.] And, more importantly, who cares? Who gets why especially older generation Germans who were kids in the American zone just after the war will defend the USA even now because they "saved" them and gave them chocolate? It's easy to be the winner and bathe in the light of victory, to be celebrated when all is said and done. All of my grandparents were against all this too. But nobody asked them, rather forced them to comply. One grandpa at the front in Italy, one spending years in a camp Siberia. The USA has not seen war on their own soil in a looooooooooong time. If they had and had to fear being attacked HERE, they wouldn't be warlords in the world today. As simple as that. This is why I'm ready to throw up when they start defending their idiotic violent ways and the greed shines through.
Omi & Opa left behind their whole life back then. The new house they had just finished building, all their posessions, their pets. Hollywood won't make a movie about that. Or about how each of my grandparents lost brothers in that war, or parents from long-term effects. My parents just small children during all this. Both born around 1940, they were 5 years old when the war ended and heaven knows what they've seen during those years. Mom's story about riding the military vehicle with wounded and dying soldiers through a war zone comes to mind. She was a small child and watched all of it as things exploded all around, including people. This, by the way, is one of the reasons why I think making excuses for everything in today's "psycholoy" is ridiculous. What they saw in terms of war horrors SHOULD have turned them into gibbering basket cases - but it didn't. Why? Because they worked through it. On their own. No shrinks. They didn't go crazy. Didn't start shooting people. Didn't turn into mass murderers because they, quote, "had such a bad childhood". So people today think they have problems that will mark them, screw them up for life? Right... Uns gehts nur zu gut. Every generation has their problems but geez, just deal with them. Whatever the problem may be most likely WILL pale in comparison.
Then my generation. As a child in Germany through 70's, 80's, 90's... and in the world, travelling, living. Their grandchildren. You can try to explain it all to people but it just doesn't work, words won't capture it. Not in my mind. Perfection inaccessible equals mehness. They must have felt this way trying to explain war to us. I wish they were still alive now, I have so many questions I didn't think of yet back then.
Perhaps it's not that important that everyone "gets" it.
Perhaps we just need to get THERE, as a nation, for ourselves. Disregarding what the world thinks. It's time for some new national pride. The word in itself is so negativ behaftet that I cringe just typing it - brainwashed. But there it is. And I, for one, have come to feel something like it. Having been away has helped putting things in perspective. In a big way. Man soll sein Licht nicht unter den Scheffel stellen.
Perhaps I should stop thinking for a while and take care of all the laestigen mundane post-trip chores.
Ist nicht nur, dass ich dich liebe,
ist nicht nur, dass ich dich mag.
Ich wuesste wirklich nicht,
wo ich ohne dich bliebe.
Ohne dich keinen Tag.
I want to believe this is how it is.
It would be fine if I weren't expected to choose. [Do I have to?] He says he wants to do this, he'll be ready to leave for Europe in a year or two. Expand the business. It'd be a brilliant move. Just in time. Nothing's ever just talk with him, we're alike that way. And yet, I'm not convinced. Until I see it. He just isn't good with change.
Now I got distracted and lost my train of thought. Lost the mood I started this entry with. He's obviously happy I'm back. I'm happy to be where he is - and not. Because I already miss THEM. I feel sorry. Guilty. Something has shifted and they're getting old. It's not so much physical, it's more about... stopping to go with time. Getting stuck at X, not moving forward to Y. The house is the same but older. So are its inhabitants. It shows here and there, most subtle. I called when I arrived at LAX and she cried. It's not something she usually does, much less in front of me and when it's ABOUT me. I was numb when I left them standing there at the airport, numb when I arrived at Chicago O'Hare, numb when I took the cab home from LAX.
As if I've finally learned to turn off my emotions for The Purpose Of Transit.
They're starting to hit now, now that I've slept and am officially back. It's over 30 Celsius here - 91F. And already, it's almost like I never left. Like Germany was a dream. Both so familiar, so "at home".
The question of questions in my mind again...
WAS IST DEUTSCHLAND?
Right now, the audio would be one obvious answer, H. Groenemeyer's high up there. You'd have to be an 80's child to get it. One that had an interest... in observation - of countries, society, social issues, less superfiscial matters. One who loves the German Way, and I mean the WAY you love. He's going from love songs to social critique and back. I think he's uniquely German in the way he approaches both. I did not see this yet when I lived there. There's a difference in the way people love. I think he captures the German way rather well. Understated but deep. Differences in depth, linked to attention span. I'm thinking the USA as a place has a major problem with its attention span. Exceptions, yeah yeah. No denying it though. Shows in everything.
The USA is ESFP http://www.typelogic.com/esfp.html. For the most part.
Germany is INTJ http://www.typelogic.com/intj.html. For the most part.
Total opposites.
And that's what can be so very attractive and at the same time so very unattractive, on either end. In the beginning, I liked the difference. It was what I needed. Leichtlebigkeit.
"Spassgesellschaft", Dad kept saying while I was there. And "Na, wunderbar!".
The first is some kind of Schlagwort at the moment as the country takes a spin into the hedonistic. The World Cup was timed well, quietly and not-so-quietly promoting the notion. Berlin going back to being Hedonistic Mecca, like in the olden days? Not impossible.
And why not? They deserve to have a good time, to finally let go of the past, to have Nationalstolz. Goddamnit! They fucking NEED Nationalstolz. Forget the nazi shit, it's been a long time, decades of somberness and guilt and putting down one's own country,
a whole nation, personally taking responsibility for events that occured pre-birth for most still alive today. It's a new age and a new kind of people and there's got to be an end to it all. The time is now. They need to find a way to let go. Remember but don't self-destruct. Again I'm thinking I can't explain this to him, or anyone here, anyone anywhere. You'd have to have been there. Sounds like an old record but it's true. Have to have been there to understand what it means to be German, born post war but just close enough to the big, despicable "IT", with grandparents who were there, saw history enfold - they were German and they were VICTIMS too. Especially Mom's parents. Nobody wants to hear it, it's always just about the other side, right?
For years now I've thought I need to put down THEIR story. It has to be recorded. It's not as one-sided as history books and all the stupid, tunnel-visioned Spielberg movies make it look. Everything is simplyfied in Hollywood. Americans LOVE good vs evil. As if it's that simple. It's time people started hearing the other side.
There's their story and it's personal. Refugees from the Russian forces entering the Eastern parts on one side, a small farming community tucked into Hessia in what became the American sector on the other - 2 sets of grandparents. Mine.
Who here even knows what Silisia/Schlesien is and what it means to people who were from there...? [Look it up, heh.] And, more importantly, who cares? Who gets why especially older generation Germans who were kids in the American zone just after the war will defend the USA even now because they "saved" them and gave them chocolate? It's easy to be the winner and bathe in the light of victory, to be celebrated when all is said and done. All of my grandparents were against all this too. But nobody asked them, rather forced them to comply. One grandpa at the front in Italy, one spending years in a camp Siberia. The USA has not seen war on their own soil in a looooooooooong time. If they had and had to fear being attacked HERE, they wouldn't be warlords in the world today. As simple as that. This is why I'm ready to throw up when they start defending their idiotic violent ways and the greed shines through.
Omi & Opa left behind their whole life back then. The new house they had just finished building, all their posessions, their pets. Hollywood won't make a movie about that. Or about how each of my grandparents lost brothers in that war, or parents from long-term effects. My parents just small children during all this. Both born around 1940, they were 5 years old when the war ended and heaven knows what they've seen during those years. Mom's story about riding the military vehicle with wounded and dying soldiers through a war zone comes to mind. She was a small child and watched all of it as things exploded all around, including people. This, by the way, is one of the reasons why I think making excuses for everything in today's "psycholoy" is ridiculous. What they saw in terms of war horrors SHOULD have turned them into gibbering basket cases - but it didn't. Why? Because they worked through it. On their own. No shrinks. They didn't go crazy. Didn't start shooting people. Didn't turn into mass murderers because they, quote, "had such a bad childhood". So people today think they have problems that will mark them, screw them up for life? Right... Uns gehts nur zu gut. Every generation has their problems but geez, just deal with them. Whatever the problem may be most likely WILL pale in comparison.
Then my generation. As a child in Germany through 70's, 80's, 90's... and in the world, travelling, living. Their grandchildren. You can try to explain it all to people but it just doesn't work, words won't capture it. Not in my mind. Perfection inaccessible equals mehness. They must have felt this way trying to explain war to us. I wish they were still alive now, I have so many questions I didn't think of yet back then.
Perhaps it's not that important that everyone "gets" it.
Perhaps we just need to get THERE, as a nation, for ourselves. Disregarding what the world thinks. It's time for some new national pride. The word in itself is so negativ behaftet that I cringe just typing it - brainwashed. But there it is. And I, for one, have come to feel something like it. Having been away has helped putting things in perspective. In a big way. Man soll sein Licht nicht unter den Scheffel stellen.
Perhaps I should stop thinking for a while and take care of all the laestigen mundane post-trip chores.
Ist nicht nur, dass ich dich liebe,
ist nicht nur, dass ich dich mag.
Ich wuesste wirklich nicht,
wo ich ohne dich bliebe.
Ohne dich keinen Tag.
I want to believe this is how it is.