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I am just one complete mess. I don't have anything together when it comes to my love-life. My emotions, when it comes to relationships, seem to deliberately try and baffle me, as if they have a mind of their own
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Remember that L word episode when Shane was supposed to marry Carmen? Shane’s dad ended up putting crap into her head that she's never going to make her happy and she's a low life just like him. Going to hurt her in the long run, don't tie yourself down, you're still young... all that bullshit? So, as much as we all hated it, she stood Carmen up at the altar and began a crazy spiral down to her self pity.
Then, she met that other chick (totally bad with names, you know this! lol) and she found a love she thought never existed. And now, in my world, they are living happily ever after =).
Sometimes things happen differently than we wish. And that only comes to play when 1. You're not ready for it yet, but will be later. 2. Something BETTER is in store for you. <3
Shell and I (and everyone lol) are disappointed that you're not coming back just yet. But we're excited about your new adventures. I love you, hon. Keep on living =)
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you guys are so amazing with all your support. I don't know what I'd do without you and I'm so glad you two took the plunge cuz now I have the best cousin-in-law ever!
I was having some really bad depressive states. they were getting scary and I couldn't for the life of me figure them out. So I spent some time away from Berkeley...away from the old place and I feel like a new person...rejuvenated and hopeful and happy. I need to completely separate myself from my old life (at least the one I abandoned) and I'll be ok. Life with Helen is beautiful. There's this line in Porgy and Bess that says
"if you can keep me, I wanna stay here with you forever..."
so simple, but it resonates and plays on a loop in my head when I'm with her and with her daughter, as well. Is this where life is headed? I'm on board with it, if that's what's meant to be.
Her other three kids and her ex-wife are coming to visit in a few weeks...we'll all be living in the house for three weeks. yikes!
so we'll see what happens there. yikes!
I feel like she isn't giving much credence to my concerns over this living situation. but I think she just doesn't want me to panic so she's pretty insistent everything will be fine and that I shouldn't panic. On one hand I feel a bit put aside and angry that she's so non-chalant when it comes to my concerns. But on the other hand I think she might be as worried as I am and is over-compensating with her dismissal of my concerns...and just hopes it'll all work out and I won't get scared off. it's happening no matter what, better make the most of it!
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