(no subject)
I am just one complete mess. I don't have anything together when it comes to my love-life. My emotions, when it comes to relationships, seem to deliberately try and baffle me, as if they have a mind of their own.
for example:
I keep having to suppress my panic attacks (I've never had these before) in thinking I am a puzzle piece in the wrong box. Like I have no hope of ever fitting in or belonging. I wake up not knowing where I am or who I am. And I wake up reaching to the right side of the bed for Victoria. I find myself singing the songs I sang to her...the songs that would make her laugh and giggle. and I can't think of anymore songs...at least not right now. the rhythm of my life is completely off...the things I love the most about myself. My passion, zest, zeal...my wit and charm and even my hair...it's all off.
but then again:
This weekend was beautiful.
I felt privileged to spend time with Helen and Cathy as a family.
and when Helen and I were alone... All I wanted to do was melt into her, kiss her until we would fall asleep spent. I wanted to tangle my fingers in her hair... push her up against the bed and exhaust the support beams...I wanted everything all at once and took all that she offered.
I scare myself more and more. My feelings turn on a dime...I can never predict myself. For the moment, I dislike my ex very much because I realize I didn't know her at all. All those cliché things people say after a relationship...but they all seem true enough to me. I hear about the things she does and says now...she's something closed off and childish. but most importantly...not the strong personality I looked up to. Not the woman I loved, but the scared girl I only identify with.
And for the moment, and I know this is truth but I only question how long I will acknowledge it and refuse to take it for granted and become self involved (but, who am I if not self involved? is my entire personality built upon my selfish nature? sometimes I think so...and this isn't self-loathing as much as it is humorous, which shows my self involvement and narcissicm even farther...hah). this truth is that Helen is...something/someone amazing. and of course, I shouldn't be with anyone right now because I'm young and was about to leave for who knows what...home...then peacecorps...or grad school?...all the exciting stuff.
But it's not in the Vanessa nature to waste her precious life not loving and spinning in wonderful confusion. So we'll see. although yes...I do scare myself.
but in the same vein where I feel completely lost...I feel so at home with her. I picture myself with her...meeting her family, being nerds together, growing and loving. I want it.
for example:
I keep having to suppress my panic attacks (I've never had these before) in thinking I am a puzzle piece in the wrong box. Like I have no hope of ever fitting in or belonging. I wake up not knowing where I am or who I am. And I wake up reaching to the right side of the bed for Victoria. I find myself singing the songs I sang to her...the songs that would make her laugh and giggle. and I can't think of anymore songs...at least not right now. the rhythm of my life is completely off...the things I love the most about myself. My passion, zest, zeal...my wit and charm and even my hair...it's all off.
but then again:
This weekend was beautiful.
I felt privileged to spend time with Helen and Cathy as a family.
and when Helen and I were alone... All I wanted to do was melt into her, kiss her until we would fall asleep spent. I wanted to tangle my fingers in her hair... push her up against the bed and exhaust the support beams...I wanted everything all at once and took all that she offered.
I scare myself more and more. My feelings turn on a dime...I can never predict myself. For the moment, I dislike my ex very much because I realize I didn't know her at all. All those cliché things people say after a relationship...but they all seem true enough to me. I hear about the things she does and says now...she's something closed off and childish. but most importantly...not the strong personality I looked up to. Not the woman I loved, but the scared girl I only identify with.
And for the moment, and I know this is truth but I only question how long I will acknowledge it and refuse to take it for granted and become self involved (but, who am I if not self involved? is my entire personality built upon my selfish nature? sometimes I think so...and this isn't self-loathing as much as it is humorous, which shows my self involvement and narcissicm even farther...hah). this truth is that Helen is...something/someone amazing. and of course, I shouldn't be with anyone right now because I'm young and was about to leave for who knows what...home...then peacecorps...or grad school?...all the exciting stuff.
But it's not in the Vanessa nature to waste her precious life not loving and spinning in wonderful confusion. So we'll see. although yes...I do scare myself.
but in the same vein where I feel completely lost...I feel so at home with her. I picture myself with her...meeting her family, being nerds together, growing and loving. I want it.