Facing old faces
I think it was a mistake for me to start up a Myspace account. Or maybe not. An old girlfriend found me on there... not just an old girlfriend, but one of two that i can honestly say that I truly ever loved. I let any feelings i had for her die a long ass time ago, but since she wrote me tonight, I haven't been able to get her out of my head.
You see, when we were dating, I was in my "ultra-goth" phase -- I was confused about everything... about me, about life, other people; just absolutely everything that you can imagine. We hooked up around the time that my sister went through her surgery and was left a vegetable after the anisteologist (i fucked up on spelling that correctly) didn't give her oxygen for 15 minutes or more... that entire year is a blurred-swiss-cheese-memory, so pinpointing anything is a huge challenge. I don't know if I loved her becuase I needed the comfort after tragedy or if I genuinely loved her for who she was. At any rate, I sabotaged our relationship because I was stupid. I didn't know how to deal with emotions, I was a jealous wreck and filled with rage and seperatism. But I never questioned the fact that I loved her -- still don't.
I always wondered how I would handle it if she somehow reappeared into my life. I've always wondered what happened to her. I started to think that if we got in touch that I would be Cool Hand Luke, handling my shit just fine, not letting anything bug me -- that was a few years ago, i had almost forgotten that she even existed.
It's extremely coincidental that she chose to find me now; the other day i was reflecting on things that make me cringe in embarassment and I remembered a letter that I had given her one night in the parking lot of Denny's (hey, i was 18... where else was i gonna hang out? Steak n' Shake?). It said something to the effect of "this is a symbol of my love/heart. keep it or throw it away, but it's yours to do with as you will." Or something even cheesier -- No, I wasn't always the most articulate of chaps. I'm cringing now and can't believe I'm posting this for public viewing. But what should she make mention of in her first message to me in ten years? That same damned letter! She still has it! I had HOPED TO GOD ALMIGHTY that it was gonegonegone!
And now she's back in my life -- not in any significant way, but she's here.
In our lives, we all have an obsticle to overcome... sins to repent, people to forgive, people to ask forgiveness of -- Heather is my obsticle. I used to treat people like shit, especially the ones that were closest to me; Heather is symbol of all those people. I feel like i need her forgiveness so i can forgive myself for the asshole i was. I'm eager to get to know her again -- I want to know that she's happy and that she loves life as much as I do and as everyone else i know does. But I also want her to know that I'm sorry for the emotional mind-fuck I put her through and that I'm so much different than what I was -- but essentially the same.
I'm really curious about why I'm harping on this the way I am... Is it because i loved her or because I feel guilty? Both?
You see, when we were dating, I was in my "ultra-goth" phase -- I was confused about everything... about me, about life, other people; just absolutely everything that you can imagine. We hooked up around the time that my sister went through her surgery and was left a vegetable after the anisteologist (i fucked up on spelling that correctly) didn't give her oxygen for 15 minutes or more... that entire year is a blurred-swiss-cheese-memory, so pinpointing anything is a huge challenge. I don't know if I loved her becuase I needed the comfort after tragedy or if I genuinely loved her for who she was. At any rate, I sabotaged our relationship because I was stupid. I didn't know how to deal with emotions, I was a jealous wreck and filled with rage and seperatism. But I never questioned the fact that I loved her -- still don't.
I always wondered how I would handle it if she somehow reappeared into my life. I've always wondered what happened to her. I started to think that if we got in touch that I would be Cool Hand Luke, handling my shit just fine, not letting anything bug me -- that was a few years ago, i had almost forgotten that she even existed.
It's extremely coincidental that she chose to find me now; the other day i was reflecting on things that make me cringe in embarassment and I remembered a letter that I had given her one night in the parking lot of Denny's (hey, i was 18... where else was i gonna hang out? Steak n' Shake?). It said something to the effect of "this is a symbol of my love/heart. keep it or throw it away, but it's yours to do with as you will." Or something even cheesier -- No, I wasn't always the most articulate of chaps. I'm cringing now and can't believe I'm posting this for public viewing. But what should she make mention of in her first message to me in ten years? That same damned letter! She still has it! I had HOPED TO GOD ALMIGHTY that it was gonegonegone!
And now she's back in my life -- not in any significant way, but she's here.
In our lives, we all have an obsticle to overcome... sins to repent, people to forgive, people to ask forgiveness of -- Heather is my obsticle. I used to treat people like shit, especially the ones that were closest to me; Heather is symbol of all those people. I feel like i need her forgiveness so i can forgive myself for the asshole i was. I'm eager to get to know her again -- I want to know that she's happy and that she loves life as much as I do and as everyone else i know does. But I also want her to know that I'm sorry for the emotional mind-fuck I put her through and that I'm so much different than what I was -- but essentially the same.
I'm really curious about why I'm harping on this the way I am... Is it because i loved her or because I feel guilty? Both?