Ready to go home
In just three days, I completely changed my mind about going home.
It first began with a simple, one-line message from Vicki.
"Come home. Here. Take the time to just be."
I've been trying to take the time to figure everything out. All the things running through my head, what I'm going to do next, how the next year will be, and the sort. But I wanted to do all that away from California; I wanted to hide away from it all and not go back and face things. But Vicki laid it out so simply for me - I need to just BE. Forget about what's happened, never mind what's to come - just focus on the now and present.
Then I got an e-mail from my dad. A while back, I signed up to be on the Sweet Tomatoes subscription list, and as a result, I always get coupons from them. There aren't any Sweet Tomatoes/Souplantations on the East Coast (closest one is South Carolina), so I forward the e-mails to my parents. (Being Chinese *and* qualifying as senior citizens, they rather enjoy Sweet Tomato.) I got another e-mail, and as usual, I forwarded it onto my parents, and I mentioned something along the lines of "Booger, here's another coupon that I won't be able to use."
"One more week, you'll be at home.
Home sweet home.
Daddy"
All my dad replied is to say that I'll be home again soon. But what hit me so hard was the phrase "home sweet home" that he used. My father is not an emotional man, nor ever shows the slightest sign of such. In three lines, he said he's waiting for me to come home, and he knows that it's truly HOME for me.
I teared up when I read that e-mail. A huge part of me wants to go back home so badly, to be with my Mommy and Daddy, and to be with the friends that are supporting me through this. But there's an equally huge part of me that doesn't want to go back. I want to stay here in DC and hide from everything. Stay as far away from it all, and not have to face anything.
But deep down... staying in DC means staying away from the people that I love. Home isn't just the house that my parents live in - it encompasses the love and warmth from my family and my friends. And I don't think I can hide away from that anymore than I already have.
And then today. I got a card from my Mommy in the mail today, and it turns out to be my graduation card. She had forgotten to give it to me during graduation, and originally was going to hold onto it until whenever I came back, but she decided to send it anyway. Inside was a small card that I recognized instantly. In leaving my high school, which was a very difficult decision for me, I had written down the lyrics to this song:
Be still, my soul
The Lord is on thy side
Stand calm within
The storm of grief and pain
Trust in thy God
To order and provide
Through every change
His faithful light remains
Be still, my soul
The restful peace within
Through trying times
Eternally, in love
"The storm of grief and pain"? That is exactly what the past five weeks have been like for me. The sheer amount of change that happened has absolutely changed my plans for the future. And I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm not exactly sure how to go about the next phase of my life. There's a million "what if"s going through my head, and my mind is racing as to every last thing. But I have to trust that everything will be okay. I have utterly no idea how anything can be okay after everything, but I just have to trust that it will.
I need to just be. I need to be home. And I need to trust that everything will be okay.
It first began with a simple, one-line message from Vicki.
"Come home. Here. Take the time to just be."
I've been trying to take the time to figure everything out. All the things running through my head, what I'm going to do next, how the next year will be, and the sort. But I wanted to do all that away from California; I wanted to hide away from it all and not go back and face things. But Vicki laid it out so simply for me - I need to just BE. Forget about what's happened, never mind what's to come - just focus on the now and present.
Then I got an e-mail from my dad. A while back, I signed up to be on the Sweet Tomatoes subscription list, and as a result, I always get coupons from them. There aren't any Sweet Tomatoes/Souplantations on the East Coast (closest one is South Carolina), so I forward the e-mails to my parents. (Being Chinese *and* qualifying as senior citizens, they rather enjoy Sweet Tomato.) I got another e-mail, and as usual, I forwarded it onto my parents, and I mentioned something along the lines of "Booger, here's another coupon that I won't be able to use."
"One more week, you'll be at home.
Home sweet home.
Daddy"
All my dad replied is to say that I'll be home again soon. But what hit me so hard was the phrase "home sweet home" that he used. My father is not an emotional man, nor ever shows the slightest sign of such. In three lines, he said he's waiting for me to come home, and he knows that it's truly HOME for me.
I teared up when I read that e-mail. A huge part of me wants to go back home so badly, to be with my Mommy and Daddy, and to be with the friends that are supporting me through this. But there's an equally huge part of me that doesn't want to go back. I want to stay here in DC and hide from everything. Stay as far away from it all, and not have to face anything.
But deep down... staying in DC means staying away from the people that I love. Home isn't just the house that my parents live in - it encompasses the love and warmth from my family and my friends. And I don't think I can hide away from that anymore than I already have.
And then today. I got a card from my Mommy in the mail today, and it turns out to be my graduation card. She had forgotten to give it to me during graduation, and originally was going to hold onto it until whenever I came back, but she decided to send it anyway. Inside was a small card that I recognized instantly. In leaving my high school, which was a very difficult decision for me, I had written down the lyrics to this song:
Be still, my soul
The Lord is on thy side
Stand calm within
The storm of grief and pain
Trust in thy God
To order and provide
Through every change
His faithful light remains
Be still, my soul
The restful peace within
Through trying times
Eternally, in love
"The storm of grief and pain"? That is exactly what the past five weeks have been like for me. The sheer amount of change that happened has absolutely changed my plans for the future. And I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm not exactly sure how to go about the next phase of my life. There's a million "what if"s going through my head, and my mind is racing as to every last thing. But I have to trust that everything will be okay. I have utterly no idea how anything can be okay after everything, but I just have to trust that it will.
I need to just be. I need to be home. And I need to trust that everything will be okay.